bartlebee Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 What about bankruptcy to clear off his debts and give him (& you) a fresh start? Alot of people find themselves in the position of having to file post-divorce. The bankruptcy laws are such that a person doesn't have ot be homeless and rock bottom in order to file. Rather they exist so a person can file (while retaining the equity in their house, their car, their personal items, etc) before they get wiped out, or before the person gets crushed under the debt. If everything else about the relationship is in the right place except the debt burden then maybe getting rid of that would clear the path for the two of you to move forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 My children do come first in many, many instances but never when it puts my relationship with the man I love in jeopardy. I know perfectly well how selfish that sounds. We live in a kid centric society (though perhaps we didn't grow up in it ourselves) and parents are supposed to sacrifice everything - including their own futures - to make certain our kids are happy. But our kids are grieving. It's a process that takes time, and beyond being understanding, listening and keeping them from self-destructive behavior (which is nearly impossible once they hit a certain age), there isn't that much we can do. They have to weather it and come out on the other side. Just like we do. Giving them the power to decide what we, as the parent, should or shouldn't be doing is not a kindness to them (or to ourselves). We are still the parents. It sucks sometimes. It sucks harder when grieving is involved. But we have to think of the longterm future whereas kids (and they are kids up until the day you know they aren't anymore and that can be a long time) don't think longterm. They think about now and maybe a couple of days from now. They are not worried about us not should they, which is why we have the tricky job of balancing our very real and important needs against their perception that the world has ended when it hasn't. I know that sometimes love isn't enough no matter how much we want it to be. I am glad that you and your guy are still talking. Still trying to find a way. That way - whatever happens - you can find a measure of comfort in that. You are a good mom. He is a good father. You both deserve your happiness. Together hopefully but individually if not. Yes. Let's face it, it sounds like your young ones will be unhappy with any relationship you get into. Where does that leave you? You say you love this man and respect him. Those are the main things. I guess I am not very analytical, and have never had any kind of life plan. I have been with someone for three years, whom my children also love (they were 6 and 3 when we got together - easier I know). He would like to marry at some stage but logistically it is tricky right now, and he hasn't pushed it. Anniegirl makes a good point about how we want life sorted, quick, and initially I imagined we'd be moving in somewhere in a couple of years etc. but funnily as time goes on I am quite happy to have a bloke who stays over weekends and one night a week. And not to look for a new house etc. We love each other, and after what we have all been through, that is pretty good, especially looking back on the living hell of the early days. Trying you sound like you have something good there - none of us can read your mind but please don't throw something good away too easily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I started another thread in the middle of the night about grief being triggered by bald tires and a mailbox. New guy had offered to both go get the tires put on and fix the mailbox but it really wasn't about that. Any how, after everyone was so great in understanding here, I took a chance and told him that I was grieving the loss of DH, our partnership and how he got me these last tires right before he died as his last chance to take care of me. New guys response was as perfect as I could ever hope for. He told me that he doesn't want me to hide my grief from him, that he wants to comfort me and listen to my memories. He told me he could never feel threatened by my love for Tim. I really need to stop worrying about all of the other stuff and realize I have a wonderful guy. The future is to be determined but I would crazy to walk away from him right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolamei Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I have no good advice, but just wanted to say DOESN'T DATING SUCK?????? This shit always makes me so resentful that we are in this situation. I remember being so smug with my husband "Thank GOD we never have to figure this dating shit out again...aren't we lucky to have such a strong marriage"...yes, we were!!! It's so hard and so complicated and so painful but being alone forever is such a scary, lonely prospect it seems worth trying...but such a painful process...but also rewarding! That was completely unhelpful except to say I totally know what you are going though...an empathy post, haha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Yes, dating sucks, omg so true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I have no good advice, but just wanted to say DOESN'T DATING SUCK?????? This shit always makes me so resentful that we are in this situation. I remember being so smug with my husband "Thank GOD we never have to figure this dating shit out again...aren't we lucky to have such a strong marriage"...yes, we were!!! I totally get this. My Tim and I would have almost the exact same conversation all the time. We'd often watch our friends awkwardly try to date or have a friend come to get drunk and cry and sleep on our couch after a breakup. Afterwards, we'd always have the same conversation: "I'm so lucky to have found you. I love you so much and know I'll never ever want to leave you. I'm so glad I'll never have to date again." And then he died. And it was my turn to run to my friends' arms and cry and get drunk and fall asleep on their couches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 My first thought is no imminent decisions need be made if yall aren't discussing marriage in the near future. Y'all have been dating a year, so if the decision to cut him loose isn't clear-cut, continue dating him another six months or a year. Perhaps yours or his feelings will change or even something such as his finances could change with a new job. With a bit more time, it's possible he could be a better fit for you. Or, hell, you could lose interest in him altogether and there's your answer. Hard to say. But, if your goal is marriage sooner rather than later, and yall are at the point where that's on the table...my feeling would be to initiate breaking up as his situation is not a fit for you at this time. It's just not, no matter how much you'd like it to be. No need to do anything impetuous. Just rationalize this. You can always give it a bit more time, nothing wrong with that approach. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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