Old friends

[Guest TooSoon]

I just spent three days in New Orleans with my college roommates (we went to school there) who are like sisters to me.  We have been through a lot over the 26 years we've known one another - including one post-widowhood estrangement that was entirely my doing (because of my undoing) and deeply painful for us both (though happy to say we now seem to be thick as thieves again) - and I know they would do pretty much anything for M and me yet over the course of these last three days of non-stop talking I realized - and I think they realized - the degree to which they have never fully understood what it is like to walk this path. I don't know why they would but even I didn't know how helpless they felt.  They don't feel sorry for me, nor should they, but what amazed them was all of the little things about my life now that are so different from their lives even though, on the surface, the image tells another story.  It really moved me, actually.  Time has softened my tolerance for people who don't understand but there was sort of a profound sadness in their acknowledging that they simply didn't have the perspective.  They were worried and distressed by my pain after Scott died.  They didn't know what to do so they stayed silent.  They were grateful when I explained what my life has been and is often still like for the past three years.  At the start, they said, they just wanted us to be ok, to "fix" everything for us, but it was clear we were not ok and it couldn't be fixed and then I just stopped talking about it and then they just didn't know what to do, what to say.  It was so good to come clean, fess up about how hard and isolating this has been and to be loved and accepted and embraced.  I'm not sure why I am writing this.  I've been terribly emotional lately and it was good to just be seen and heard and told that I am not a lunatic or freak of nature. Just a ramble. 

[Trying]

I think it's great that you felt comfortable enough to open up to them. I don't do that with any friends and have isolated myself as a result.  I have only one friend who doesn't let me stay quiet about my life, the rest seem mostly relieved that I don't want to talk about it and ok with keeping their distance.  I hope this has opened a door for you so you know you have true friends to turn to.

[missingm]

How great that you were able to be so open with one another. So much of what you said resonates with me.  Thank you for your open, heartfelt posts.  Wishing you a peaceful evening. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Trying, I have also isolated myself.  I didnt realize I was doing it and then one day I woke up and was like, "I have no friends!"  It seemed like being an island was the path of least resistance at the time but I'm realizing how much I need to connect again.  Tonight I asked a friend to pick up my daughter at my Mom's to take her to the ice rink tomorrow with a group of girls (I have to go to work and there's no school).  She'll have to coordinate it with my Mom.  Normally, I wouldn't even try it as I would think "well, what sort of Mom asks her friends to pick her kid up and cart her around AND deal with my mother?"  but today I did and my friend seems so happy that I reached out and that M will be able to go with her pals.  Why has it taken me 3 years even to start asking for help?  That seems super effed up to me but there you have it. 

[Amor]

too soon

I am glad you opened up to your friends.  I have a few friends who are trying really hard to understand.  Those type of people are a great gift.

 

[IfIonlycould]

TooSoon-Thank you for sharing this,  I have had the opportunity to reconnect in the same way with a sister and brother who finally opened up and explained.  It is a good feeling isn't it?  I have a friend who actually was very there for me right after and then as time passed she returned to "normal life" with all of the what seemed to me at the time to be problems that were mostly self created.  I was the one who pulled away from her. I was still very focused on myself, my grief and all the problems that came as a result of his dying.  I miss her.  All of the time.  We met years ago in college and went through alot together.  I have been trying to muster up the guts(?) to get in touch with her.  You're post gave me hope there can be a second chance.