Rayspumpkin Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 So, I'm 3 years & almost 3 months out from my hubby dying, 2 years and 8 months since my Mom died; both of my bestest friends...and life blows. Today would have been 12 years since my husband and I started dating, as juniors in high school. I miss him so much. I can't outrun this grief, I haven't mentioned it really to anyone, no one cares. They're all ready for me to be "over it" *insert flipping the "bird" here*. I spent most of my day screwing up at work because I couldn't take time off, the rest of the time I've been unwillingly fantasizing about what today would have been like if Daniel were here. He absolutely loved anniversaries, he was so perfectly corny. He would have surprised me with something silly first thing this morning, then pestered me all day, dropping hints & leaving clues to some "big" plan. Also, did I mention that I decided on Sunday that when I ran out of cigarettes I was done? Guess who finally ran out today!! Ugh! I still feel so lost, and lonely, and angry, and blessed, and lucky, & cherished. How can one body contain so many conflicting emotions? Part of me wants to lie down in bed & cry, hoping I'll die; and the other part wants to celebrate the love we had and do something worthy of it, & the last part, well, the destructive part; wants to find a random stranger & have wild & crazy sex all night just so my mind can't think anymore. Alas, I will relive the hell I've grown accustomed to, crying for my hubby, crying that my Mommy isn't here to remind me of all the things that are good, like she did early in this widow journey, crying because in 9 months time, I lost my ENTIRE support system, and it seems all i have left are assholes. Just rambling because no one else gets it; I mean, "good God, it's been 3 years(drawn out like they do); he'd want you to be happy." Assholes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 So, I'm 3 years & almost 3 months out from my hubby dying, 2 years and 8 months since my Mom died; both of my bestest friends...and life blows. My life kinda blows, too, though I don't really tell anyone. I spent most of my day screwing up at work because I couldn't take time off, the rest of the time I've been unwillingly fantasizing about what today would have been like if Daniel were here. He absolutely loved anniversaries, he was so perfectly corny. He would have surprised me with something silly first thing this morning, then pestered me all day, dropping hints & leaving clues to some "big" plan. Can you do something "for him", just to honor these memories? Also, did I mention that I decided on Sunday that when I ran out of cigarettes I was done? Guess who finally ran out today!! Ugh! That's a tough habit to break. Are you doing this "cold turkey", or are you using any cessation aids? Just rambling because no one else gets it; I mean, "good God, it's been 3 years(drawn out like they do); he'd want you to be happy." Assholes. I didn't really need to look up the word "asshole" in the dictionary, but that's something I enjoy doing anyway. Merriam-Webster had this definition: a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person In my own mind, it's the "detestable" people - those who don't care to treat others well - that deserve to be called "assholes". The assholes you mention here may qualify as stupid and/or incompetent, but not detestable. If it's possible to be a well-intentioned asshole, that's probably what they are. I hope you don't behave detestably in response, for that would be far more assholish. And, by the way, that dictionary page has an audio button that recites the word "asshole" in case anyone "needs help" with its pronunciation. I would have been thrilled to have a machine that uttered swear words when I was a kid. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Cold turkey it is, and thanks for the grammatical advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Some days it all just gets to be too much doesn't it? It's hard to imagine losing both your mom and your husband in such a short time, I'm sure each would've been a huge support in your grief of the other. As for the assholes, God bless them for their ignorance because it means they haven't suffered major loss. It does make it hard to open up to those who don't understand. I have isolated myself from so many people so I have added to my own problems with friends. At some point I hope to start changing that if I still can. And quitting smoking is the best gift you will ever give yourself! Be prepared to be a major bitch at first but keep your eye on the prize. My boyfriend used an app that counted days and showed what positive changes were happening each day he didn't smoke. Put your cigarette money in a jar and at the end of 2 weeks treat yourself to something with the money you saved! You can do this, you've suffered through far worse than nicotine withdrawal and survived. Find your moms voice in your head today, I know it's there, and look for something to smile about. A bowl of ice cream, a bird outside your window, a fluffy dog, anything. Not as a way to ignore your grief but to balance it out. I hope you have a more gentle day. Keep posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Thank you so much Trying!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Just here to offer encouragement on quitting smoking - You CAN do it!! I put my cigarettes down over 20 years ago. It was brutal for a few days, awful for a couple weeks, a minor irritation for a while and then WONDERFUL!!! I agree with Trying, this is the best gift you can ever give to yourself. YOU are awesome and I know you can do it. You're going to be so happy once its not awful anymore. You are worth it Rayspumpkin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Thank you! Today was a bust, I cheated...made it until lunch though; which is 8 hours into my work day, so that's something. Tomorrow I'll try to survive all day. I wanted to go cold turkey, but maybe baby steps is the way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 8 hours is good! I work 12 hour shifts and have only one or two chances to go for a quick smoke, so I got the nicorette gum. It helps with the cravings but not the habit..I'm not trying to quit though, yet, just trying to make it that long without one! I'm so sorry for the two significant losses in such a short period of time. I think people just don't get it. But their thoughtless and inconsiderate comments can hurt really bad. I had a lady recently comment on how I go out for coffee at my sisters restaurant and I'm always ALONE. Like sorry my husband died and now I do things by myself! Even though I'm alone I'm not lonely but that comment really hurt and pissed me off so much that I still get mad about it. I guess the only thing I can say I'm thankful for is I now try to be very conscientious when speaking to others especially when I don't know what they are going through! Good luck with quitting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 My mom died three months before my husband died, so I can relate to losing your best friends and support system. I'm sorry you're surrounded by unsympathetic people. If I remember correctly we don't live very far from each other. Maybe we should get together sometime for lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 I think people just don't get it. But their thoughtless and inconsiderate comments can hurt really bad. I had a lady recently comment on how I go out for coffee at my sisters restaurant and I'm always ALONE. Like sorry my husband died and now I do things by myself! Even though I'm alone I'm not lonely but that comment really hurt and pissed me off so much that I still get mad about it. I guess the only thing I can say I'm thankful for is I now try to be very conscientious when speaking to others especially when I don't know what they are going through! Yes I dated a guy for a year, all time hated comment was received after we broke up "Well, I didn't understand why you were messing with him anyway, I thought you loved Daniel" I still sometimes fantasize about murdering her. My mom died three months before my husband died, so I can relate to losing your best friends and support system. I'm sorry you're surrounded by unsympathetic people. If I remember correctly we don't live very far from each other. Maybe we should get together sometime for lunch. Sucks doesn't it? I don't remember how close we are...but I'd be down for a weekend lunch with anyone that "gets" it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MauiMermaid Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 (((Hugs))) Rayspumpkin. I get it. Lost my husband then best friend 6 weeks later. I wish I had magic words to make it all a little easier but just know you aren't alone. Stay strong, we're here for you. xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Tough spot to be in, I know aswell.. I lost my mom long ago & my wife was such comfort reminding me,how much my Mom would have loved seeing me now (then) during hard times. I honestly never thought about loosing my wife,much like I never thought loosing another human would have the impact that loosing my mom had on my mind/soul. Well my wife dieing,definitely TRUMPS ALL LOSS. Sorry, I rambled on to only say loosing your Mother & Husband puts you in a extremely difficult spot and I feel alone as you do aswell. Best to you stop smoking decision,for me at the moment smoking is the only pleasure I feel & I'll have to wait to quit.. Hopefully this day is brighter than the last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Best to you stop smoking decision,for me at the moment smoking is the only pleasure I feel & I'll have to wait to quit.. Hopefully this day is brighter than the last THIS!!! It's the only pleasure I have...the only safe way to see them sooner...which sounds bad...but it's the way my mind works. I'm already dead inside without them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Dammn......I barely found this post to say.... If quitting smoking is still on your mind consider e-cigs/vaping... I've dabbled with patches,gum & something else I've forgotten and am 16 days now from making the switch to vaping after 24 years of 2+ pack a day smoking. I felt sorta like the ecigs idea could help you out . Best to you in every manner...have a good day, ToRn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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