You find out who your friends are . . .

[Karin]

I really need to get this off my chest to some folks who I think will "get it".

 

A few weeks ago, a friend who claims me as her "bestie" (I hate that word) asked me how I was doing/feeling.  Mind you, today marks 4 months since Eddie died, so at the time, I was at 3 months and change.  She caught me in a weak moment, and I told the truth, though I should have known better.  I told her that I was ready to sell off anything worth selling, give away anything else I don't want to pack, and move back "home".  That's 2,000+ miles from here, where I grew up and where all of my family lives.  Eddie's family is here, and I love them, but they're no substitute for my own family.  Though this friend has known for years that our ultimate plan was to move to the area I grew up, so this should come as no surprise, I should have known better than to be honest.

 

She proceeds to tell me that since I've been away from "home" longer than I was there (not true), I should stay here.  She also goes on about how she's too old (mid-30s) to find a new friend, so I can't move, or she'll be friendless if I do.  Also, she tells me that I would have to be the one to break the news to her 5-year-old child, who already has anxiety issues due, in my opinion, largely to her parenting style.  Yes, of course, that's what I needed to hear.  I hear all of this as her telling me that my feelings aren't valid, and all that matters is how it would affect her.  I had no words.  I finally had to just make her stop by telling her that it's happening, though not immediately, and I won't discuss it.  This from someone who tells others that I'm her best friend.  I've been limiting contact with her since then, as I don't need that kind of friend, especially now.

 

Thanks for providing a "safe" place to share.  I really needed to get that out.  I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but no one else understands.

 

 

[donswife]

it so hard to have made a decision and have people question it

do what you need to keep yourself sane or at least our version of it

so maybe you need to keep a bit of distance from this friend to do that

you will find you lose a few friends at this time

but the ones you keep (even of its just one) are your true friends 

 

[Captains wife]

Ouch. It would have nice of your best friend to put her own needs aside to understand that you need to what is best for you and your family - and get through this awful path of grief. I'm sorry she wasn't more supportive but you don't need that emotional drain right now. You need to do what's best to move on after what happened. Just keep some distance from her and do what you need to do. With all the technology these days your friendship doesn't need to end just because you move away- she should understand that. I found post widow my friendships changed a lot.

[Guest nonesuch]

Your....uhhh...acquaintance's responses are so clueless it hurts.

 

If she had stopped at being too old to find a new friend, you could almost write this off as, 'you're more precious to me than you realize and I don't know what I'd do without you.'  But to go on and on like that is just odd or self-centered or both.

 

Someone took me out for dinner a couple days after my husband died, and spent the entire time on her phone checking out potential dates on her E-harmony account.  She kept pulling up pictures, showing them to me and asking if I thought each one was cute.  I hadn't even had Late Husband's memorial service yet.  I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate this was.  She never did.

[Guest TooSoon]

Of course you must do what is right for you, full stop.  Not sure why she's being so neurotic and insane but here's what I've learned. 

 

With the perspective of time, I can say that I've learned that any time I have suggested (and I really mean suggested; I haven't made any big changes in three years) change to the important people in my life, they freak out.  A dear friend who wants to get divorced and move back here doesn't want to hear me talk about possibly leaving.  My work colleagues look away when I suggest I might not be there for another 20 years.  My research partner (who is at a University an hour away) cannot cope when I mention my potential plans even though we hardly ever see one another as we're so busy).  My parents and my father-in-law panic at the thought that they might not see my daughter multiple times a week, leading to all sorts of insane conversations about "holding the family together." 

 

But in the end, you must do what is right for you to build a new life.  It is not a choice; it got foisted on us against our will, but we have to do it.  Some people will come around in time and you will find others who step up, seemingly out of nowhere, and turn out to be lifelines.  You will also meet new people as you build that new life.  That has been my experience. 

 

 

 

 

[blue]

..

[kjs1989]

I'm sorry you received such a self-centered reaction. You have to do what is right for you, absolutely. People don't realize how truly life altering this loss is, and we do what need to survive, pick up the pieces and move forward.

 

My experience was a bit opposite.  I heard I would be moving to be closer to my sister several states away. I was like... "What?? Where did that come from?"

 

I was told that's what my inlaws were telling people. When I confronted them they said, "Well, we assumed you would want to be closer to your family."

 

Ummm... At the time I had two kids here in high school and one in college an hour away. Yeah... ummm... my family is HERE! I am not going anywhere.

[Catnip]

My Aunt went to lunch with cousins of mine. Apparently, the talk ?out there? in the family is that I remarried and moved to Florida!

What?

My Aunt assured them that I did not remarry nor move.

I?ve been a widow now for 9 years. I am still in the same house, same job, same kids (2 still at home, one is out on his own). I have never even been out on a date, altho I was asked at 3 months and said no, it was too early for that. I?m doing OK.

 

Who makes up this stuff? I?m around. My brother works with a cousin (and his mother is this Aunt) in a family business. They know I?m still here, that?s why my Aunt was able to tell my other cousins I did not move.

 

I?m just wondering who I married? Did I retire, too? Is he rich? Can he cook?

 

How do celebrities put up with the tabloids?

I?m still just shaking my head.

[Karin]

Thanks, everyone, for reminding me I'm not alone in this kind of experience.  I don't understand people.

 

Days after that conversation, apparently oblivious to the fact that I'm avoiding her intentionally and that hey, this loss may have changed me and my whole world . . . . she reaches out and asks me if I'll do her taxes (as I have in years past).  No.  Just . . . . no.

[Torn]

Just another opinion...

 

This "friend" is unknowingly being incredibly selfish & seems to disreguard the tragic loss you have been left to deal with in life.

  Very sorry for that..

 

  The world does seem to be full of these self centered people,I'm unsure why but it becomes obvious in our situations.