Mommy guilt

[MrsDan]

A little background, for those who don't know. DH died in October 2012 when DD was not quite three months old. Aside from going to work, I essentially became a recluse, excepting an occasional lunch with a friend, or another friend staying with us when she was separated from her husband. The only people who ever watched her outside of daycare were family - Dan's parents or siblings, my mom, or my sister. Then we moved to another state. We stayed with Dan's brother's family for about six months, until we got settled, about an hour away from them. Shortly before we left BIL's, I started dating. I have been seeing BF since November, and it became more serious around the New Year. He lives about 30 minutes away, but works one night a week in my town. He goes out of town every other weekend, and we're both busy with our kids most of the weekends. We talk every night on the phone, and lately he's been coming to my house 1-3 nights a week. Sometimes he'll come by my work or I'll meet him nearby for lunch. One night a week, I hire a babysitter, and we get together; usually I'll go to his place or go watch him play (he's a musician.)

 

The first few times, I put DD to bed then went out. But she was bent that I was leaving at all, even if it was after I put her to bed. Then I had the sitter put her to bed and it went great; she texted to say they played, did puzzles. Then the next time it didn't go well, she wanted me to put her to bed, an hour early before I left. But it turned out she was actually sick. I took a week off; BF came over instead. So I thought the next time would be better. She cried, I left, and she was inconsolable and insisted on going to bed.

 

Tonight the sitter is coming over at her usual time, but BF isn't free until later. So I thought the sitter, DD, and I would spend some time playing together, and then I would go out, but still before DD goes to bed. I discussed this issue with her last night. Basically, she wants me to put her to bed. I told her that I usually do, but one night a week the sitter will be putting her to bed. She is very upset about this. My hope is that eventually she'll get used to it, but I'm not sure this kind of exposure therapy is appropriate.

 

Is it unreasonable for me to have the sitter put her to bed one night a week? I'm not really comfortable doing more than that, and frankly I couldn't really afford to. BF is very understanding that I can only go out one night a week. He has a child but does not have custody and sees her on the weekends. He's been more than generous in coming to me. But I think it's fair that I go to him once a week. But is that expecting too much of my kid? I was worried and we took a week off, and that made it worse. It doesn't seem as though he's the issue; they met and it went great. It's not the sitter as far as I can tell; she's a nanny, so she knows what she's doing. What's fair? Would I even be feeling guilty about this if Dan was alive and we got a sitter to go out once a week? But then, we'd still be in our old town and would have grandparents as an option.

[Guest TooSoon]

Only you can decide what you're most comfortable with.  I would hope for you that you go and let the babysitter put her to sleep.    If you do it, let's say, three or four weeks in a row - same night, same routine - and it is still a problem, then revisit it.  She might just get used to it.  Sticking to a routine with these things and not equivocating or negotiating has worked well here.  M just gets used to things and moves on to protesting something else.......The reality is we're going to be in our situations for quite some time and you need to be able to get away every once in a while.  And plus, happy mommy, happy kid.                       

[Captains wife]

I get mommas guilt often- I work 4 days a week for 12 hour days and when I was dating I would take some extra me time. However, I came to realize as a single parent we can't do everything and it won't hurt your daughter to have a little independence from you- as long as your daughter is bonding with your babysitter, why not have her put her to bed one day a week? Agree with TooSoon- happy mommy equals happy kid so you need to get a break once in while. And it sounds like your relationship is going well (yeah!) and that will reap long term benefits for you and your daughter. Your daughter will adapt to the new routine...my toddler son did with our nanny.

[klim]

In my opinion, you deserve and need to get out. Her needs are being met, as you mentioned, the nanny seems to know what she is doing. If you keep it routine then she hopefully will adjust. My son when he was little, fussed/cryed/clung when ever I dropped him at the nursery school and yet after I left he would play and colour and participate. In otherwords he was mostly upset when he had to say goodby but not afterwards.I had to drop him off... I was heading to work. It pulled on my heart strings.

 

Perhaps your daughter puts more of a fuss when you leave but will settle.  I would keep the weekly event happening keeping it as routine as toosoon mentioned. It may pull at your heartstrings but I think it's a good

[Trying]

That mommy guilt is tough to get over!  Of course you deserve a night out and you are not harming her in any way but I remember being in the middle of those situations with my middle son and it can feel awful! He would cry for 2 hours when I dropped him at daycare and I couldn't leave him with his own Dad from age 2-3 without hysterics. That was mom guilt plus poor DH was heartbroken.  Im sure she will get used to the routine and will probably start to look forward to her special nights with the sitter.  Maybe there can be something special that she only gets to do with the sitter like finger painting or a special book or movie so she has something positive to associate with sitter night.  Hang in there, this phase will pass.

[Guest TooSoon]

I like Trying's idea of some special activity or other thing that happens on that night.  With my kid, ordering pizza helped (still does, might always) or if we picked out some special craft she could do that night or a book series she read only with my parents (in your case the sitter) - something to make it more event-like, more her own.  Maybe get some of that (I know it is not the healthiest but) pre-made cookie dough and they could make cookies?  Jiffy-Pop is still a motivator in my household even though M is 9. 

[Sugarbell]

Yes you do deserve a night...I know the Mommy guilt just pulls at all of us!

 

I am experiencing it now with my daughter (the boys don't seem to pull at me like she does) Spending 2-3 nights a week outta town for work (I see my oldest on these nights) other 2 my Mom keeps. Yesterday she said "This job is just stupid can't it wait till we are moved?"... plus I think she's the only kid in her class Friday who won't have a Mommy present at her classroom Valentines Day party (Cause it's Stepford...she won't have this problem anywhere else...but literally her class has 20 classroom Moms cause no one works)

 

Try taking DD for a manicure. I took my daughter to the mall Sunday afternoon for a girls day. She had her nails painted for VDay and it only cost 7.00. and she was happy.

 

Good luck! solo parenting is hard on the heart.💜

[serpico]

I think you'd be doing her more long-term harm by giving in and staying home than by standing your ground and doing what you need to do. Put simply, I don't think we should let our kids dictate things to us.  And yes, I get that it can be difficult, but once you make up your mind that not giving in is what's best for her hopefully it gets easier.

[Guest TooSoon]

How did it go?  I've been thinking about you today! 

[MrsDan]

Well, not great. She cried, wanted to go right to bed again. So, I think we're going to just keep trying. That's a good idea about having special she can only do with the babysitter. I agree it's probably not a good idea to give in, I just wasn't sure if once a week was expecting too much from her. My mom is visiting right now. Tonight I'll go out after she goes to bed, but tomorrow he is performing so I'll need to leave earlier. Hopefully she won't give my mom the same grief.