What is a career widower?

[Chrispy89]

... And am I one? I'm seeing lots of discussions around this lately but I'm not 100% sure what people are meaning by this.... I post one memory per day on facebook about my partner and will do this for a year.. A pledge I began because I was mighty pissed at all the people who kept referring to him as the 'body' (police, coroner etc) and because I had a slight obsession that I NEEDED everyone to know how amazing he was, to try and understand the pain I was/am going through. At almost 6 months I am kind of regretting the year pledge, having managed to do one every single day up until now, because some days I just don't want to have to remember. But.. I made a commitment.. And I'm usually pretty shit at commitments so I want to fulfill this one for him.

 

So does this make me a career widower?! How the hell would people make money outta this? Sounds crazy to me

[Lisa]

The career widows you are hearing about are very likely what we call "Professional" widows who actually do carve out a paying career and make money from being widowed.  It is great that people help other widows,  share their story, write a book etc. After time you will recognize the pro we are talking about. There is a lot of self and cross promotion among them. They collect "fans" or worshippers.  Social media has created this monster. It is best to get your support from a wide variety of people, hold onto your wallet especially  when new. Id use my money for a professional grief counselor not a kickstarter campaign of someone who I follow on facebook who NEEDS to write a book that MUST be read. Publishers still do give advances.  Self publishing is usually an ego stroke. It is a growing phenomenon you may hear cranky people like me talk about

[anniegirl]

Chrispy89, posting a memory a day on FB for the first year is not a career/pro widow. And you know, you don't have to do it daily. Once a week is okay too. Especially if it is making things harder and you find yourself struggling with it.

 

It's pretty common to set goals like this in the first year but it's really something you are doing for yourself. I would imagine that your partner wouldn't want you to do something for him that is making you miserable daily. Cut yourself a bit of slack. This was a good idea in the beginning because you needn't it but now it isn't. Take a break. Reassess.

 

I know people talk about grief being work but it's more endurance than work. If it's work, imo, it's time to rethink and come at it from another angle.

 

The urge to write down for the record or to set it straight is a powerful. Maybe it's something you don't need as much or at all anymore. Something to think about.

[Mizpah]

Oh hon.  Life has forced you into enough suffering - don't force yourself to fulfill an obligation you gave yourself while in the throes of the most intense grief you will hopefully ever suffer.  I understand the compunction to obsessively memorialize.  I filled many, many journal notebooks with memories of Simon at the beginning.  I started the morning after the accident when he was technically still alive, but I knew he was gone.  It was very important to me, as to you, to remember everything.  But we do these things for ourselves, not for the public, and I think whether it's 6 months or 6 days or a year or 6 years, the idea is the idea and you've done it.  Also, things that are forced aren't as genuine.  Doing it for the principle of the thing- I get it, but I feel so sad for you when I read this.  I understand the reasons for continuing it but also for the dread and me personally, I hope you let yourself off the hook.  There are millions of ways to pay tribute to our loves, and doing something just because you said you would, when you were crazed with grief, it's one of the things I personally would lay to the side.  But it's you, and you know yourself, and what you need to do.   

[Chrispy89]

Thanks for the advice, I will promise to look after myself, put myself first and to keep an eye out for those 'pro' widowers.. I've not seen any myself yet, maybe it's not as big here?