Over 10 years and........

[CarlyM]

I don't know how to even start this, but it has been 10 years since Stuart died, I am now 34. I have a new partner who I love very much and we have built a new life together. I am back in therapy as we recently moved overseas together and I have found the change very difficult,  but also I kind of knew that I needed to address how I deal with change and uncertainty so I think that drove me to seek the change in the first place.

 

Anyway, we keep talking again and again about Stuart and I cry and my therapist asks why I'm crying and my answer is because no one has interrogated me about this loss ever in the way she is doing now. She thinks I need to ' move on', I took offence to that as have always preferred "move forward" which I can manage. So, I then articulated that I need to ' live without fear' rather than move on, because frankly this and a number of other significant losses has made me fearful of everything. I can't cope with adrenaline at all and I ALWAYS expect the worst, because that has been a reality in my life. My anxiety is high and I realise now that it has been for years but that life with my family and friends around me enabled me to ignore it.

 

So, am sat here wondering if I really do need to undertake some kind of moving on to help me escape from this fear and start to hope and dream again about the future??? I buried my 20 something carefree self with him and am not sure how to ever recapture some of that person..... Can anyone else relate! As with everything in this bloody journey I just feel so alone!!!!

 

 

[Forgottenwife]

Ok. I can only speak to my very own personal experience, everyone has to deal with things differently.

 

I had something loosely similar happen in a therapists office, and I got a new therapist. I just didn't go back. If someone at my office today shared a memory and a tear over their mothers death, or a beloved pet dying, no matter how long ago it was, I would never be so rude as to tell them to 'move on.' On special occasions, my father in law will tear up about his first wife who died in 1982. I just give him a hug and tell him I know she must have been really amazing, and then we have turkey or cake or whatever it is we came to do.

 

The therapist I quickly replaced was one of those annoying cheerleader types (again MY EXPEIRIENCE ONLY) 'You CAN have a happy life!!!' Umm, I do. 'You CAN recover and leave your bad memories behind!!' Yeah, I do that too. Ugh, she was the worst. I have a life and a job and a new man and blah blah blah and sometime I just want to talk about my bumps and bruises and the hurts. You know, when I'm driving in the car and the sun is just right and that song comes on... I remember my wedding all those years ago... I might cry a little. I don't need someone ever to tell me to 'move on,' I'm already doing that. I'm normal. It's a part of me.

 

I personally found a therapist where I get to say whatever I want - and my therapist could relate because she had empathy and a similar loss. A human I could relate to.

 

My opinion from your post only, Why can't you have both? Grief and loss and memories and a happy new start with someone to help you manage change and uncertainty TODAY? 

[Captains wife]

First of all. I am so sorry that you lost your DH so young. I am happy to hear you have a new partner you are really happy with.

 

I am surprised that you were told by a therapist to "move on" - that seems harsh because the loving memories and sense of loss (especially so young) will stay with you. Its about dealing with them in your own way. Of course you expect the worse - look what you went through ! So many people around us too just "want us to feel better" but as Ive learned it doesn't work that way. When I just wanted to "feel better" my therapist calmly explained to me that your body needs time to heal and deal with such a loss and this takes a long time. So please take the time you need and get the help you need to do that.

 

I might think about a new therapist, coming here is helpful and please go easy on yourself given all your life changes too. I know a lot of people think I have "moved on" in my life (especially since I had been dating) but I still mourn our loss a lot (at almost 4 years out) and Ive learned my therapist is right - I cant just put this behind me and "feel better" and I need to keep dealing with it and learning to live with it.

 

Sending lots of widow support.

[kjs1989]

Yes. the anxiety. I have that, too. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I used to think there were certain "assurances" in life, at least in MY life. Crappy stuff happened to other people. At least, that's how it seemed, but yet, back when my family was fully intact I must admit wondering when my number would be up; life was just too perfect. I actually used to lie in bed at night and think about what I would do if tragedy should strike my family. I would put it out of my mind, and think, nah, you're blessed. Not gonna happen.

 

Yep, best laid plans.  And now,  ANXIETY.  I have it. Makes my kids  a bit crazy, but they understand. Every time they get in a vehicle and drive away, I have it, because.... my husband died doing something that for intents and purposes should have been SAFE. Stupidity reigned supreme among a bunch of grown men in the accident that took his life.

 

But... a good psychologist has helped me and continues to help me. There are some BAD ones out there. Yes... the just "MOVE ON" ones. The ones who just have no idea what grief is. I had several of those before I found this lady. One really less than helpful "grief counselor" was faith based through a local church. He was awful. He equated my loss to the loss of his grandmother.  ( Sorry, I lost ALL of my grandparents and my dad. Not even remotely close) A psychiatrist told my daughter it was just taking her longer to get over it than most. Get OVER it??

 

Anyway, we do not get over this loss. We will live with it the rest of our lives. And we will MOVE FORWARD but not  MOVE ON. Our past is too much a part of us to just discard. I think I will always be taking a step back or two for every few I take forward. It is how I best cope. But hopefully, the gains will be more than the setbacks as I go through the rest of my life without D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MrsT85]

Yes. the anxiety. I have that, too. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

 

Anyway, we do not get over this loss. We will live with it the rest of our lives. And we will MOVE FORWARD but not  MOVE ON. Our past is too much a part of us to just discard. I think I will always be taking a step back or two for every few I take forward. It is how I best cope. But hopefully, the gains will be more than the setbacks as I go through the rest of my life without D.

 

KJS, I don't think I could have said it better myself.  I was always an anxious person - losing Tim in a car accident at age 27 amped up all of those "irrational" fears up through the roof because suddenly they weren't irrational anymore.  They were things that had happened to me.  And now there's no moving on from it because - there's just moving forward and rebuilding.

 

Recently my new guy and I were watching a documentary about artist H R Giger (one of my favorites - I like the dark, weird shit I guess) and there was a scene where he was talking about the actress  Li Tobler, who he was in a relationship with from 1966 to 1975 - the year she died from suicide.  This was filmed in 2013/2014 - at which point he had been married, divorced and then married again since 2006.  He still had tears in his eyes when discussing his Li almost 40 years later - even though he was happily married and as successful as someone in his field could possibly be. 

 

I thought - it really never stops hurting, does it?  We'll always love them and miss them, and sometimes lose it a little when thinking about them.  It doesn't make us broken. 

 

 

[Forgottenwife]

Anyway, we keep talking again and again about Stuart and I cry and my therapist asks why I'm crying

 

I'm a little stumped. If you can't cry at your therapist's office, where can you? I don't even know how I would respond to a therapist that asked me this!

[donswife]

I agree with forgottenwife

I cry almost every time I go to my therapist

It should be the safest place you go and feel/talk about anything 

my therapist is more of a grief counselor so maybe look for someone who specializes in grief ?

 

[MauiMermaid]

I agree with forgottenwife

I cry almost every time I go to my therapist

It should be the safest place you go and feel/talk about anything 

my therapist is more of a grief counselor so maybe look for someone who specializes in grief ?

 

This is my experience as well. I actually look forward to being able to have that safe place where I can wail crying and feel accepted, understood and not crazy. Grief and trauma specialists seem to really "get" this and not judge.

 

Hugs to all xoxo

[MauiMermaid]

He still had tears in his eyes when discussing his Li almost 40 years later - even though he was happily married and as successful as someone in his field could possibly be. 

 

I thought - it really never stops hurting, does it?  We'll always love them and miss them, and sometimes lose it a little when thinking about them.  It doesn't make us broken.

 

Well said. xoxo