Guest Lost35 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 It wasn't mentionable to anyone I know, but it left me breathless, and has been on my mind quite a bit for the past two days. I don't know what to make of it, but over seven years out, I have decided not to make anything out of anything any more. I was simply walking into the grocery store, not thinking of anything in particular when, for a brief moment, Peter was in-step beside me, laughing and joking like he did in a way that made his voice come alive in my head once again. It has been a very long time since I've heard him. There were no recordings I could find, look as I did, for years. Yet, there he was, happy as can be, and alive as can be, for a brief moment. For years, this would have sent me into a tailspin of despair over the loss of it. I'm not in a place where I can be happy it (the memory) happened, and I don't know if I will ever get there. So far, there is no peace in the accident, or what happened, in any way. I keep thinking about it. It has brought up so many memories. So many of which I've buried in the name of survival. I miss him every moment of every day, still. But there is a bit of a veil of...time, I guess, that is dulling everything this time. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it. Which is why it has been on my mind so much. There has been so much pain, for so long, and now that the result of a memory is dulled, I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not. He is so far away... It made me want to go home so I would be there when he called, then I realised that was not reality, which is what left me breathing deep in the store. So, I guess this next bit will simply be, "confusion". Which I'm okay with. Acceptance seems impossible, but confusion I can handle. And so it goes... -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I'm so glad you were able to have that experience. I can appreciate the conflict the bit of dullness brings about. This month will mark 3 years since T died. Like you I still miss him every day. For the first time last month, the 21st of the month passed without me thinking about it being 35 months since he's been gone. When I realized it, I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm sure many would think it is progress. In a way, I do as well. Yet another part of me feels sad about it as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawn823 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Lost, Your words resonate with me. I had a similar experience about a week ago. My DH's best friend and his wife were in town visiting many friends. I went to dinner with them on their last night here, joined by one other person who had not met my DH. Something came up that elicited a humorous story about DH from his friend. All of a sudden, I felt him beside me, laughing, his beautiful eyes twinkling and shining like they used to always do. Only lasted minutes but it sent me reeling, memories flooding back. They are still lingering a week later, but like you, my emotional reaction to them is tempered in comparison to how such experiences used to hit me. I too have ambivalence about whether that tempered reaction is a good thing or not. I too miss Blaine every moment of every day and, although I have searched, I find that peace with his death continues to be elusive. I have made many positive changes in my life since his death 3+ years ago---including in my career, home projects, deepening of friendships and family connections, expressions of gratitude and compassion---all of which have brought me to a more peaceful place. But peace about his death and his absence from my day to day life eludes me. I have stopped trying to find it, but do recognize that contemplating the future ( which has always been my nature) takes me further away from that peace so I try to stay centered in the present as much as possible ( a battle for me.) I am not willing to yet accept that a more tempered reaction to poignant experiences or memories brings me closer to that peace --it probably does, but that feels uncomfortable and unsettling to me. Shawn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Wow, awesome thread! I just can so relate to what has been said. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Sometimes, like when I was standing in the middle of the grocery store, reeling, I feel like an alien. Then, I come here and take a risk and post, and feel normal and completely sane. I thank you all for that. Truly. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 I too feel a sense of normal coming here. Just today I was feeling like I'm living in this bubble of unreality and feel a tad crazy. Like, how can this be my life? Really? Why? Thank you all for not making me feel crazy! Hugs ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I too feel a sense of normal coming here. Just today I was feeling like I'm living in this bubble of unreality and feel a tad crazy. Like, how can this be my life? Really? Why? Thank you all for not making me feel crazy! Hugs ❤️ Ditto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rifatheroffour Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I too feel a sense of normal coming here. Just today I was feeling like I'm living in this bubble of unreality and feel a tad crazy. Like, how can this be my life? Really? Why? Thank you all for not making me feel crazy! Hugs ❤️ Ditto Ditto...again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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