How our bodies process grief

[MrsT85]

Just wanted to share this article I read today - seems insomnia, memory loss/troubles and digestion issues (the first two of which hit me really hard at first and continue to bother me to lesser degrees almost 3 years later) are not only totally normal but have good scientific explanations behind them as well. 

 

They use the term "complicated grief" to describe a persistent type of bereavement that lasts more than 12 months - and although I have no ambiguities about the fact or circumstance of Tim's death I feel like most of these apply to me as well.  Statements like "For an estimated 7 to 10 percent of people who lose someone, the grief doesn?t ease over time. If it continues to affect their day-to-day functioning for at least 12 months..." and "Normal stresses seem to linger longer, and in the case of complicated grief, that may be because the body?s slower stress responder is taking the lead when everyday issues arise..." really ring true for me, and probably do for a lot of you too

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/body-processes-grief_us_56e878ade4b0b25c9183b066

[ladybug]

Thank you for sharing. 

[Joey]

Interesting article, thank you for sharing.

 

I have certainly noticed SOME of these symptoms since being widowed 18 months ago.

 

For me, weight loss has been an issue - I have not had an appetite, and managing that issue has been a hassle (cooking for one, eating alone, etc...)

 

Also, I wake up about 1 hour before I actually need to. I'm still tired, and it is dark outside, but I start feeling shitty early. Not sure what that's all about.

 

 

[MrsDan]

Joey, I was waking up an hour or so early for a period of time told by a psychiatrist that that is a sign of deep depression. So it's not surprising it would also be present when one is deeply grieving.

 

I felt tremendous physical pain, mostly muscular, for the first couple years. I don't think it every fully went away, but maybe I just got used to it. I think I was just so clenched, so tightly wound all the time. In the last few months, since I started seeing my boyfriend, I've been opening myself up a bit more, to joy, to laughter. And lately, I've been finding myself in a lot more pain again, mainly in my muscles and joints. It's almost like I was tightly coiled, and now that I'm starting to uncoil in some respects it's causing pain. I spoke to my sister, who has a PhD in physiology about it. I thought it might sound crazy, but she said no, it actually makes a lot of sense. I probably had a lot of adrenaline and cortisol running through my body for a long time. Those are pain inhibitors; once those started to recede, I began to experience more pain.

[Guest TooSoon]

MrsDan,  when I started to let my guard down, I had both physical and psychological fall outs.  Meltdowns, tantrums, panic attacks, irrational thoughts and behaviors.  Sometimes (um, like yesterday), I still do.  This, I believe, is the PTSD-like component of having lived through what I/we have lived through/live through.  When I have these "moments" it feels like the world is out of control and I will do anything to rein it in and though whatever I try to do to rein it in never works, it still happens - not as much anymore, but it still happens.  I'm embarrassed to admit that.  To admit that I don't have it all worked out yet and that I still get emotionally wildly out of control, but I also believe there really is a physiological component to recovering from the trauma.  The worst part for me is the self-loathing associated with it - when I fall apart, I then compulsively beat myself up for it, causing my body to respond in strange ways - sleep, appetite, nervousness.  Not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me but there you have it.  I hate it. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I thought I would add one more thing.  Yesterday was A Very Bad Day.  It had been building throughout the week but yesterday was not good.  Then I realized this afternoon that yesterday was the 3rd Sunday in March.  It was the third Sunday in March that my husband went to the ER, I got a phone call and life as I once knew it ended.  I'm not saying this is the sole reason I was such an irrational wreck yesterday but it cannot be a total coincidence, even if it was subconscious. 

 

This summer, while on vacation with adp and the girls, I just retreated one night into the bedroom while they all ate dinner and watched a movie together.  There was no reason for me to do this; I just felt compelled.  I got into bed and read and then started looking at old pictures on Facebook which is when I realized it was my 9th wedding anniversary.  I had completely forgotten, but something in me hadn't forgotten. 

 

Weird. 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

I think "complicated grief" is just a term to label someone who really loved their spouse and think a huge amount more of people are affected. Their is no rulebook that should state that if you're not ok after 12 months with accepting a loss one should be categorized. Some people, maybe like myself, process the loss at a much slower rate than others, and it doesn't or shouldn't mean we should be treated differently because of our loses. This is just my thought on the subject.

[Quixote]

Almost five years, still fight with all those issues.  The worst was the cognitive problems:  lost a year off work for that, just returning last November (official diagnosis was delayed grief processing or some such). 

 

Do people really feel normal after a year?  I get some are more functional than others, no grief is very individual, but labeling as out of the norm seems a bit extreme

[soloact]

Complicated grief disorder makes it billable

[widowat33]

I thought I would add one more thing.  Yesterday was A Very Bad Day.  It had been building throughout the week but yesterday was not good.  Then I realized this afternoon that yesterday was the 3rd Sunday in March.  It was the third Sunday in March that my husband went to the ER, I got a phone call and life as I once knew it ended.  I'm not saying this is the sole reason I was such an irrational wreck yesterday but it cannot be a total coincidence, even if it was subconscious. 

 

This summer, while on vacation with adp and the girls, I just retreated one night into the bedroom while they all ate dinner and watched a movie together.  There was no reason for me to do this; I just felt compelled.  I got into bed and read and then started looking at old pictures on Facebook which is when I realized it was my 9th wedding anniversary.  I had completely forgotten, but something in me hadn't forgotten. 

 

Weird.

 

I remember one of my professors talking about cellular memory, I believe that's what she called it. The way she explained it was that our cells hold memories, and even if our minds forget something we have physical or emotional reactions to certain things. It had happened to her, she couldn't figure out why she was having fear responses while she was walking down an unfamiliar street, until she got to a house and realized it was where she had been sexually assaulted years prior by two men.

I'm not sure if this applies to you, but thought it was interesting!

[Kater]

Thank you for posting the link.  I was reading about cortisol today.  My reason is that I have turned to smoking (ugh, although only a couple a day, still ugh) to chill out at times.  Smoking also has an effect on cortisol, so this article helped all those cravings make sense.  It also reminds me that I must put an end to that behaviour and find another coping mechanism.  Used to exercise a lot, which can lower cortisol.  I just have not been able to drag my butt off to any class since my hubby died.  I can cry in a yoga class on a good day.  I would be a puddle on my mat if I attempted yoga now.

 

Re: "complicated grief".  I have had a few people ask if I was seeking counselling.  That usually comes when I confide in someone that I am not suicidal but I really don't care if I live or not.  I know from tons of comments on this and similar boards, that is a common feeling amongst those of us in this awful club.  I have not yet hit 3 months.  I feel like my grief is progressing, moving, changing.  Some days better; some days no different - maybe even worse - than in those first few weeks.  But I don't feel stuck.  If ever I do, then I will think about counselling.  I have never been one that liked to be told what to do, so I think counselling would piss me off more than help tight now.  Again, it is from those people that think I should be over this by now and don't realize I am very much still in acute grief.  I know it, and I know you all do too, which is the source of any sanity I maintain. 

[SoVerySad]

I have definitely experienced most of those physical/mental issues. The hardest symptom for me to deal with is the memory/concentration/focus issues. I have become increasingly concerned as they aren't getting better as my Psychiatrist said they should with my medication. I used to do dementia evaluations and remembered that we started out each eval telling the patient 3 words to remember. I decided that instead of my normal routine now of writing everything down, I would try to remember the 3 things I wanted to talk to the Psychiatrist about when I went last week. The night before my appt I repeated them to myself several times, did so again upon waking, did so again on the drive there. Once I was in his office, I could only remember two of the issues I wanted to discuss with him. On the drive him the third issue came to me- it was my concern over my memory/concentration issues not getting better. I just had to chuckle over that one rather than cry.

 

 

[Portside]

Complicated grief disorder makes it billable

 

Exactly. The entire series of Diagnostic and Statistical Manuals of Mental Disorders (DSMs) were put into place in order to provide a standardized method for billing purposes. It is not, by any means, useful for treatment of those disorders. And, if an industry can't define and describe it, they can't bill for it. Even within the mental health treatment community, there are monumentally heated discussions back and forth concerning the usefulness of the DSMs and the codification of normal behaviors into some 'disorder'.

 

Most widowers/widows do not suffer from 'complicated' grief or for that matter, PTSD. Neither do most combat veterans, robbery victims or others that have been temporarily shaken to their very core.

 

There are, of course, those that do. But generally, us humans are much more resilient that the modern media and culture would suggest.

 

Best wishes - Mike