House of Cards

[Captains wife]

I feel others on the board must also feel this way - that when even smaller challenges in life happen these days, it can seem too much to handle. At almost four years out, when things are trundling along, I am finding I am pretty happy and can cope with everything on my plate. However, when the house of cards start to fall over, I get very anxious again, moody, tears etc. and everything seems worse. Not that my life is that bad - and believe me, things could be a lot worse and I recognize that - but I keep getting "tested" by life recently and its starting to get to me sometimes. And a lot of it feels out of my control, which is worse. First MIL gets sick, then my son breaks his leg (out of my care), then I am having issues with school and my son, then my boyfriend disappears on me and yesterday my nanny was in a car accident (thankfully she is ok which is the most important) but that means I am without childcare for several weeks (again, this has happened before - she was in a car accident 2 years ago). My work and living location are such that I cant get my son to school and pick him up although I can work selectively from home. This also means my other support that she gives me (house stuff and babysitting so I can have a social life) has also disappeared. While I am lucky to have some family support, I will need to find local help plus take time out of work (again). I don't have a lot of local support from other families for various reasons. My family has offered help but also have "busy lives" so can only help selectively. My son needs to be at school and ferried to various appointments, including PT for his leg and his grief therapist plus we just signed him up for swimming classes which the nanny now cant take him to. I love spending extra time with my son but I have to keep up my job too as the sole breadwinner. Being a single parent, trying to carve out a new life, having a demanding full time job, keeping up this house etc etc just seems to be far too much sometimes. Thanks for the vent....Any coping mechanisms are welcome....I'm trying TO DO lists, cutting down on activities (dating), working out (endorphins)....Any others ??

[MrsDan]

I can relate. I have a small amount of family help in the area but I feel like I've tapped that resource out and besides I need to reserve that for big things. I haven't yet built up that network of support, and although DD has come out of her shell a bit, she's not the type of kid you can leave with just anyone. She needs to feel comfortable too. And it's the small things too. We have a meeting a few times a year that runs well past 6 o'clock, when daycare closes. I made arrangements for our February meeting for someone to watch DD until I could get her. But due to a snowstorm, that meeting was rescheduled for the end of March. I scrambled to make new arrangements. But now the next one's in two weeks! And a few days later I'm traveling for business, so she'll be staying with her grandparents for a week. Which she's never done before. That's an issue too; even when I can find help, I have to be mindful of what is too much for DD. But I also have to pay the bills. The best part is after I did backflip in order to stay until (almost) the end of the meeting, almost no one showed up!

 

Coping strategies? I'm not much help there. I've found one babysitter, and frankly I reserve her for nights out with my boyfriend. All my other efforts have been a bust. I've had to bring her to an exhibition opening; she'll be coming to another one in a couple weeks. I've relied on grandparents when I can, but they all live out of state, and as my FIL's illness progresses that will be less of an option.

[trying2breathe]

CW  You have a lot on your plate, I can see the frustration of trying to keep all of that going.  My life churns along for the most part without a lot of problems, but I too feel overwhelmed on days when challenges happen and a well-laid out plan no longer works.   

 

On those days when everything seems to be crashing down, can you let some things slide? 

 

Maybe your son misses swim lessons for a few weeks, or delay starting them for a little while. You mention not wanting to bother your family, but given your situation right now can you ask them or a friend to help with your son's transportation to appointments?  Is a neighborhood teenager available in the meantime to help with childcare?  Do you have grocery store delivery where you are?  You sound organized, detailing all of this out may not be giving you any new ideas. 

 

Widowhood is so hard - know that this too shall pass.  I hope that life will get back to a normal routine again soon for you.     

[blue]

Captains Wife, I could have written so much of what you wrote.

 

All I want right now is to work during the day and to have an evening out with adults once a month....but it seems impossible for similar reasons (daily babysitter has cancer, no extended family, unable to find evening childcare). Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I exist only for my child.

 

Here's how I cope when I am at that lowest of the low points...I come here. And then I cry for everything I've lost. I know that sounds depressing, but then I feel better! I feel like there is hope and I just have to be patient.

[DonnaP]

I totally get this! Things in my life are going well, but every so often something gets off track. Recently my son broke up with his girlfriend (again!) and has been having a hard time. I SO wish I could talk to Mick about this. We were always a team when it came to our kids. I am fortunate in that I am remarried to a wonderful man. But I often feel I don't have the same connection with him, since he does not have the history or know the boys like I do. Same holds true for his daughter, although I've worked hard at forging a relationship of my own there.

 

Basically, not having them around sucks!  (((BIG HUGS, Captainswife))) I know what you are going through...

 

DonnaP

[kjs1989]

My kids were in their teens when I lost D 3 1/2 years ago. It has been very tough dealing with their angst, but my heart so goes out to those of you with young children. It must be completely and utterly overwhelming. Family can be helpful, but it is no substitute for a spouse and co-parent. Bless you.