Chapter 2 conflict

[Sugarbell]

I read it PS! Several times.

 

Part of the reason I am chicken shit.😁.

 

Can't handle it all right now.

[Trying]

Portside you are very thorough as always!  I am definitely all for planning and communication and the fact that you are both on the same page makes it much easier.

[klim]

I know ,even though DH's death was without warning and there was no end of life discussion that his portion of the assets that he helped attain should not become a shared asset for a new beau.My dh would want monies to go to our kids.

 

My portion would be up to me to decide.

in otherwords my thoughts  are if NG and I were to move forward and he moved into my house...it would remain my house.... living costs would be shared. He has no assets and I am quite well off so we are not on even finacial footing at the moment. I don'i believe I could just share everything ,in the sense that he would own hallf of everything. If anything, right now I would rather hand half of what I own to my sons than my ng because that is what dh would want and he worked hard to obtain what we have.

Of course this is  a moot point at the moment cause there are no plans to blend right now. I know for sure I will be getting financial and legal advice before anything major happens.

 

And Trying have fun with the renovations and personally I would consider NG's input,unless it's crazy extreme. some type of comprimise should work. 

 

PS I also have a seen a situation where when there was a recoupling and  then a death ,  the children(Financially) were not looked after by new spouse. There was not a single penny that made it to them.  So I am leary of that.

[imissdow]

Read all of this with great intrest. I am closing on my new house in 2 weeks and have been dating NG for 3 months. We have talked a little bit about decorating and what I want to do with the house. At his point all he decisions are very much mine and should be. I have wondered if I should include him at all.  I do find it very useful to bounce ideas off someone. He has been really good during the house hunting process of listening asking questions but not telling me what to do.  I dated a different guy for a few months and decided to paint my bedroom he was bothered that I didn't include his ideas in my selection process. I found it interesting that he felt he should be considered when we hadn't done more then share some kisses.  I am a firm believer in making decision based on where you are now not were you wish to be in the future.  If your confident that you and NG will be sharing the house in less then a year include him. If some were in the back of your mind you doubt that will happen I think you owe it to yourself to ask why and then make decisions with that in mind.

[Trying]

I don't think I have any doubts that getting married is what we both want but I have trouble trusting in the future in general since Tim died.  Whenever I start to feel calm, happy, optimistic, it seems like another blow hits and I feel foolish to have thought I can be truly happy again.  I think this makes me guarded in general and leads me to want to be in control of everything I can.  I'm working on this but it shows up in interesting ways sometimes.

[Guest TooSoon]

I don't think I have any doubts that getting married is what we both want but I have trouble trusting in the future in general since Tim died....  I think this makes me guarded in general and leads me to want to be in control of everything I can.  I'm working on this but it shows up in interesting ways sometimes.

 

I just had a conversation with my boss (who is also a friend) yesterday about this.  I feel like I can't put my trust completely into anything again or anymore because something in me is waiting for the bottom to drop out again.  I just can't believe deep down that it isn't going to fall apart all over again.  I'm not sure how to overcome that and it manifests in "interesting ways" with me, too, as does being control freaky.  Can definitely relate.   

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I've been renovating my house...  Because he and I are such good friends, and he is doing the work, we've made alot of decisions together...  For me, he's helped me see different sides of things,  from paint colours to which doors to put in.  I found that bouncing ideas off each other has actually been helpful.  There are things I would never have thought of or picked or done but I love now. ..

But one of the things we've both done is when we feel strongly about something ....I'll use tiles as an example.  he wanted the 24"x12" tiles  I hated them in the guest bathroom  (I agree with him now btw)  He showed me two samples.  Here pick one....The floor looks awesome. 

 

Getting an outside point of view is so very helpful...even if you're in a relationship.  LH and I would decide something, and another would say, "You really don't want to do that," and they were right.  "This works because we're both left handed" is not a reason to do something really weird.  "Oh, no, we're going to live her FOREVER" is equally wrong, we moved out before LH's passing.  My handyman has a good eye for things, and his wife's is even better.  When they disagreed as to how the bifold door should open in front of the washer dryer, I was able to offer the solution of a curtain with the big-ass grommets at the top.  Wish I'd taken wife-of-handyman shopping for the fabric, though.  Pretty as it is, it's a little hard to look at if you sit in the bathroom for long.

 

Redecorating is thought of as a cut and dried process, and I guess for many, it is.  But there always seems to be an organic component to it.  You get started, and one thing leads to another.  You don't abandon your plan, but sometimes the people involved come up with really good ideas that you would never have thought of.  My boss just re-designed his whole store.  We were just about through when the contractor said, "hey, what are you thinking of for this corner? I came across these metal pegboards and for things that don't need pegs, you could use magnets"  They're perfect.

[Trying]

NG is coming to my next meeting with the contractor and im going to have him help me pick out the appliances.  We are definitely not at 50-50 yet but I'm working towards including him more.  I have never had such desire to be in control as I have now and it's funny because that's the only version of me that he knows.