almost 6 months (in about 2 weeks)

[LTSLforever]

Please do not let it be true that the pain gets worse at 6 months.  Both my psychiatrist and my mom told me a while back that at 6 months it gets worse.  That cannot be possible - just like it cannot be possible that Steve is gone.  I am doing everything in my power to keep everything the same at home - down to the box of tissues on his night table next to the bed. 

 

I feel like getting a tattoo on my wrist that reads "I GIVE UP".

[Jess]

Do not get caught up in what other people tell you about how your grief experience will be. It is common that around 6-9 months it gets rougher for a lot of people, but you do not want to have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Instead, know it is a possibility and be prepared that if it does happen to you, it doesn't mean you are backsliding or that life is getting worse. It just is the phase of grief you are surviving. Every step of this journey is so hard is so many ways. No matter what happens, I promise you that you can get through it. I did and so did so many others here. You can do it. We are all here. Just keep talking.

[Mizpah]

Do not get caught up in what other people tell you about how your grief experience will be.

 

^Yes. 

 

And now let me tell you how your grief experience will be (hahaha).  Nothing, in my opinion, can ever be as bad as those first moments, hours, days, weeks, couple to few months.  Nothing.  Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.  You may feel more emotionally tired from handling it this long, but the emotional trauma of new widowhood....  Nothing compares, in my opinion.  It was so bad, so total, I barely remember it, and thank Gd for that. 

 

There's a lot of self-consciousness and self-monitoring inherent in grief it seems: is this normal?  Am I crazy?  Is it going to get better?  Is it going to get worse?  How do I feel?  How will I feel?  Is what I'm feeling ok?  It's exhausting.  We're all here for you.

[Justin]

Nothing, in my opinion, can ever be as bad as those first moments, hours, days, weeks, couple to few months.  Nothing.  Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.  You may feel more emotionally tired from handling it this long, but the emotional trauma of new widowhood....  Nothing compares, in my opinion

 

 

It was this way for me, too. I felt like a burned-out building for those first three months - a ghost. I would alternate between feeling extremely sharp pain to being numb during those times, and felt totally disconnected from most of humanity. a lot of the time I felt I was going or had arrived at crazy. Nothing felt worse than those first three months.

 

 

There were plenty of times when I sensed I was going "backwards" or losing progress for a bit, and this seems to happen for almost everyone in this journey. You want to be mentally steeled that this can, and probably will, happen occasionally. However, as Jess wrote you don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[LTSLforever]

Thanks for your responses.  I really don't think my pain can get any worse.  However, I do understand how it can for some people when the shock wears off.  I want to forget so many of the horrible details but I have a very obsessive brain which causes obsessive thoughts (about everything in life).  Steve was in constant pain every single second of every single day.  Even with high doses of meds, he still felt pain.  I can't forget hospice - watching Steve skip a breath and watching the life disappear from him (although there was not much life left at that point).  I can't forget how I did not save him. The things that I am forgetting are the things I need to remember - like his beautiful voice.

 

I believe I wrote about this in my introductory post.  Steve and I got married  (not legal) in his hospital bed.  We exchanged rings.  I married my soulmate knowing his time was almost over.  This was the most loving experience of my entire life.  We were both so happy.  I am not sure he knew he was dying.  I made a wedding album.  For many months, it has been to painful to look at the album.  Yesterday, as I was looking at it, I felt like I was an outsider looking in.  Did I really marry Steve?  Was that my life? 

 

I hate all these stages of the grieving process.  I hate everything.  I am broken, probably beyond repair. I have reached the point where I am kind of giving up.  Besides Steve's death, there is a lot of drama and illness (my mom has leukemia) in my family.  It is all putting me over the edge; I am hanging by a thread.  I spoke to my therapist on the phone yesterday and told him that nobody can help me and that I want to stop therapy.  Nobody understands me except all of you - I guess all of you amounts to a lot of people.

 

The only real relief I get is from Xanax. When I need to escape,  I take 2 Xanax with 2 benadryl  and that does a great job at  calming me down because it puts me to sleep.  That will probably be on the agenda for today.  Psychiatrist knows about the 2 Xanax; I guess it would be wise to tell my doctor that I mix it with the Benadryl.

[Mizpah]

I am broken, probably beyond repair.

 

Try to remember how early out you are.  Of course you feel hopeless about better days.  But you will not always feel this way, though you can't see/feel it now.  There is relief with time.  Healing and rebuilding is a very gradual process.  It is normal to feel terrible right now.   

 

Maybe try to drop the Benadryl - it seems you know it's not a good idea. 

[LTSLforever]

Last few days have been really bad.  I feel myself withdrawing from everyone.  I need Steve; I need his love and support.  I miss him so much. 

My mom has leukemia and had another round of chemo last week. She gets very sick after each round of chemo.  Steve had intensive chemo before his stem cell transplant.  It's all to close to home for me.  I just want to run away from life.

[Mizpah]

Can you take a day or two off from life, and go sit by a river or a lake or the ocean or in a field or something?  Go for a little hike?  Go to the spa for a massage or a mineral bath?  I realize most of that costs money, and maybe that's a strain too, I don't know.  If there's anything that brings you relief, maybe you can indulge in a bit for you? 

[LTSLforever]

Mizpah - nothing really brings me relief - except my feline kids.  I have had issues with depression for a very long time. Steve helped me get out of that depressed world.  Now I am back there but so much worse.  My mom is very sick, I have a very strained relationship with one of my sisters (she has hurt me so badly) and I am in a dark deep hole.  I cancelled my last 2 therapy appointments.  I just want the pain to end.  Maybe I should not even be posting - I don't know what to do anymore.  I guess there is a part of me that is reaching out for help.  There are moments that I am okay but most of the time I am just so sad.

[Mizpah]

Why did you cancel therapy?  Do you not like your person?  Is it not bringing any relief to "get it out"?  Are you on meds? 

 

I think many of the widow(er)s here struggle with depression as well - people? 

 

I wish I had great advice, but all I have is support and hopes for lighter days for you.  Do you have a friend you could see?  Where do you live?  Are any of us nearby? 

 

Keep talking.  Keep reaching out for help.  It's what we're here for. 

 

Edited to add: I don't know anything about living with depression, but I know about living in/through/with grief/loss/mourning, and time does help.  Time does bring bits of relief.  You are still very, very new to the grief "journey."  There's a reason the phrase is "hang on for the ride" - I hope you will keep hanging on. 

[MrsT85]

 

LTSL - I'm sorry you have so many additional hardships piling up in advance of your 6 month.  You're in a very very tough part of the journey (which seems ridiculous to say since none of this is easy, just varying degrees of terrible) and as wid who doesn't have children and who battles self-destructive impulses (cutting) I ask that you please keep posting even when you feel helpless and hopeless.  No matter what you write - someone (and usually several someones) has been there too and will understand.  I've been in those deep depths of despair and self loathing, where the fact that I never got to be a parent made my existence feel even more pointless.  Sharing continually with this group - for over three years now - has been more important that I can adequately express.

 

Mizpah - nothing really brings me relief - except my feline kids. 

 

You mentioned your feline babies and that they bring you relief - I just started a thread over in the "Wids without Kids" section called "Tell us about your non-human babies."  Maybe you could tell us a little bit about your sweet kittens? 

 

[SK]

This is my first post & I want to thank you for your help!  I lost my husband 7 months ago (he was 59) and it seems to be getting MORE difficult to handle...I thought I was going crazy.  I'm comforted to know it's "normal" for this to happen.  I still fall apart daily and lately I feel more lost than I initially did...like I have no purpose.  Our children are grown & on their own, no grandchildren in the near future.  Most times I feel as though if I didn't have my 2 dogs who rely on me to care for them, I could crawl into bed & never get up again.