LTSLforever

powbesh - I sent you 2 messages. At the top of this page is an envelope; it is next to your screen name. When you click it, you will see "compose message" and a little lower down it reads "go to inbox". You can read and respond to messages in that area. If I did not explain this correctly, can someone please give better instructions.

powbesh - - I will PM you later or tomorrow morning. I have only used the PM feature a few times (long time ago) but I think I can figure it out. I, too, have been on meds (tried different ones) for many years. Some don't work. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to find the proper medication and the proper dosage. I am somewhat treatment resistant. I am using one off label medication to help me. I also take a medication for anxiety which helps the depression. Details will be included in my PM. Not bathing - I experience that and still do. All related to grief and depression. Try to eat something - even if it's a few bites every few hours. If I lived near you, I would bring you food and hugs.

Powbesh - my heart goes out to you; I feel your pain. For me, this life is unbearable. Steve is gone three years and my mom died a year ago. I went from taking care of Steve to helping with my mom (we had an aide and my sister lived with my mom). I experienced and still do experience all those thoughts - wanting to be with our loved ones and leaving this place of pain. Although we feel like we want to die, it may be more about getting out of the pain than actually ending it. I also have no human kids (have fury children whom I love so much and they love me) and no family or friends. I do have two sisters but they have been emotionally abusive to me. On the positive, it took me one year to feel better after Steve died. Months later I even dated someone for a short time. I saw every red flag and went with it anyway. Time does help. Right now I am reliving the grief for both Steve and my mom. Very difficult when you also have severe depression. My recommendation is therapy and support groups. However, I know it is hard to leave the house when you are in so much pain. I am currently going through this. It is so hard when you feel like you don't have one person in the world who cares about you. Meds can help - at least when you are going through the worst of times. I take meds prescribed by a psychiatrist. Sorry this is so long. Please feel free to PM me. Maybe we can be support buddies. I posted a lot at the beginning of my journey and then stopped. Reaching out is very difficult but it is probably necessary for all of us.

I get it. My two cats are my kids. Years ago, I had to put my boy cat, Samuel, to sleep. It hurts. Since I lost Steve and recently my mom, my cats are the people (well animals) that keep me going. Without them, I don't know if I could survive in this world. We can always count on our pets to help us make it through the day. Euf - I am sorry.

I have not posted much but I am going to try to get more involved. I have a severe case of social isolation. It is not because of responsibilities or being busy. It is due to death, depression and being hurt so badly by my own sisters. Peony09 - when I read your words "in some way or another social isolation = Safety" - that is exactly how I feel. I am at the point where I don't trust or believe in anyone (except for my therapist and my feline children).

Your letter is perfect! Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

It is over 13 months and I am still in so much fucking pain. Anytime I take a step forward, I take 10 fucking steps backwards. Fuck my sister. I am too embarrassed to write about how fucking cruel my own blood can be. If it wasn't for my mom and feline children, there would be no reason for me to live. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE! Maybe it is time for me to be with Steve.

Beth - I know that excruciating pain; I still live it every day (1 year for me). There have been times when I feel a little better but I always relapse. I read all of your posts and our feelings are similar. I am currently going through a stage where I am withdrawing from everything and everyone (except for my feline kids). It is definitely time for our loved ones to come back. I wish I could help you but I don't know how to live this life.

Too many firsts - it's almost one year October 28 - Steve's birthday October 31 Laurie and Steve get "married" (exchanged rings) in his hospital bed October 31 evening - Steve is transferred to hospice November 6 - lost my love and I died with him. If Steve could hold me one more time, if I could hold him one more time, if I could hear his voice, if I could see him, if we could be together again............. If I could just see more light than I see darkness.

Jen - I am useless in helping but I totally understand. I am at 11 months and I don't see an end to the pain. There are days that I want it all to end. I am just here to say - I hear you and I know how badly it hurts. We must find a way to get out of the darkness - the big question is How and I have no answers. SVS's words which came from Wifeless - "You won't always feel as you do now." I do believe in those words and I think we really need to focus on that.

I am so sorry. I understand. My dad died 26 years ago and my mom is very sick. This journey is so difficult.

It's great that you want to face your fears. I have always admired you; you have good ideas on how to handle the situation. Take it in steps - have a friend drive you and when you are ready, you drive with a friend as the passenger. Feeling scared all the time is exhausting. I agree with TooSoon - "I know you can do this". We are your cheerleaders.

SVS - You brought up many issues I have been thinking about. I am very happy you have found the support that you need. I have been in counseling for a long time - on and off - currently on. Steve even went with me a few times. Steve's space on the therapist's couch is empty. I need Steve, and the reality is that my needs don't matter and my needs will never be fulfilled. Sorry if this is negative. I don't think I ever had the opportunity to really deal with losing Steve (although I have felt horrible pain and emptiness) because my mom was diagnosed with leukemia shortly after Steve died. Her disease (along with falling so many times) has put me on another rollercoaster that is destroying me. I, too, feel like I have very little support. I definitely have trouble asking for help and reaching out to others for assistance. I have always been a loner. When Steve and I were together, it was mainly the two of us fighting for his life. Even though Steve was so sick, he made me feel safe and loved. When my mom was well, I was blessed with her never ending love and support. But everything is different now. I lost my greatest love and I may lose my mom soon. I have siblings but there is strain in those relationships. My mom has amazing friends and I know they would be there for me. However, I need to develop my own support system and I suck at it. Sorry if I wrote to much on your thread.

The last time my mom was hospitalized the hospital oncologist said my mom had 3 months to live. I think that was several weeks ago; I can't even remember. He is not my mom's main oncologist; he only sees her when she is hospitalized. Her main oncologist said mom is too frail for more chemo so that's currently on hold. He did not necessarily agree with the 3 months since my mom seems to always bounce back. Neurologist said mom has had several mini strokes. Although I don't want to face reality, it is staring me in the face. My mom has fallen so many times and with each fall she takes many steps backwards. I just don't know how much more her body can handle. I had, am still having and will always have a very difficult time with Steve's death - it is almost 8 months since I lost him. I am not ready to do this again. I don't see any joy in life; just never ending pain. Is this really my life? I need to wake up from this very bad dream. I need Steve to come back to me and I need my mom to be okay.

We know each other's pain too well. That pain is so bad. I feel the same way; I can't do this again. Steve had cancer of the bone marrow and my mom has leukemia, plus other heath issues. Trying, we need a very big group hug with lots of support.

I don't post much but I guess I need to vent. I was sick and admitted to the hospital for a week. Same hospital where Steve died. Emotionally, it was very difficult for me. I wanted out so badly but I could not leave until my medical issue was resolved. So this past Monday I was released. I thought I would be very happy to go home but all the emotions came back full force when I got home. It was like I was losing Steve all over again. Well, it keeps getting worse. I have written before that my mom has leukemia. She has been hospitalized many times and is currently in a rehab/skilled nursing home for physical and occupational therapy. This morning she fell and was transferred to the hospital that I was in (and where Steve died) because it has a trauma unit. I hate that hospital but I had to go back there again today. Mom is stable but she needed staples in her head and has bleeding in the brain. This is too much for me. I don't know what to do.

MrsT85 - so happy for you. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you and your husband a lifetime filled with joy.

I am so sorry. Wishing you peace and comfort.

ArtLovingDad - I read your post. You are open, honest and brave. I don't use the word "hate" often but I hate what Portside wrote. I have not been posting because I don't feel this place is safe and Portside's words just confirmed my feelings. ALD, please know that your feelings/thoughts are respected by most people in this community. If you ever need a friend or want to PM with someone, I would be more than happy to share this journey with you. It sucks and it hurts so badly.

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be okay. I have written those words several times and still have those thoughts. Just want to let you know that we understand and that you are not alone.

Your sons words to you are beautiful! You must be a very proud mom.

Congrats Aunt Jen. Enjoy your snuggles with your nephew. You deserve lots of happiness and love in your life. Sunshine is truly beautiful and comes in many ways and you got yours today! Sending health and happiness to you and your family.

The more I read, the more I question whether I belong her. Maybe I am just too weak, sensitive, etc. for this forum. However, I view my sensitivity as a gift; a gift to which I am grateful - it allows me to care and love in a very deep way. Life is not fair. Expressing feelings is not whining. Admitting your feelings is helpful. It is not unrealistic to feel envious of other couples. We lost the most important person in our lives and we are human. Part of being human is feeling but that doesn't mean we wish anything but health/happiness for others. However, for a moment, we feel a sting and that is okay. I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. I will not post anymore on this thread. Some people may be just stating their opinions but it feels a little too judgmental for me.

So Very Sad, Jen, Trying, Hachi Your comments made me cry - in a good way. You all understand. After reading some of the earlier posts, I started to believe this forum was a very unsafe place for me. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD (from watching Steve die) and complicated grief. There are lots of issues surrounding Steve's illness and death that have completely destroyed me. There are days that just getting out of bed or making a phone call is difficult for me. There are days when filling my feline kids water bowls seems like too hefty a task. Thankfully, I have days when the pain is not as severe and I am able to function fairly well. But when it hits, it hits so hard I just can't take the pain. As Steve was getting sicker, my mom was also very sick. Shortly after Steve died, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia. Unfortunately, I can't see the wonderful in anything right now because there is no wonderful in my mind.

I really understand you. I don't know if I will ever be okay. Just want to let you know that you are wonderful. Before I registered for the site and began posting, I used to come here and read. Your words always made an impact on me. You help me to not feel so alone and that is so important!