Moving forward is exhausting

[Trying]

Around 20 months out I decided to approach my grief with purpose and action in an attempt to create a new life and start looking forward.  I was finding that trying to live the same life I had when Tim was alive was not working for me because that life was never going to be the same without him.  So I moved, went back to school, am making a career change, and stopped hosting the family parties and parties with friends that we always did.

 

For the most part I think I made good decisions.  Probably Ive taken on way too much all at once.  Alienating many friends by not making an effort any more has NOT been a good decision. 

 

Now I am finishing up school soon and need to start preparing to open my own practice and I'm getting ready to do some major renovations on the new house and I'm just plain exhausted.  So many major decisions to make.  All of this change and am I any happier?  I don't really know.  I keep telling myself that I will be happier when I have created a life that is just mine but none of it changes how much I miss him.

 

I have the day off today and there is so much that needs to be done around the house but after meeting with the contractor this morning I'm shot and don't want to do anything.  My house is a mess and I didn't even realize how bad until I was walking the contractor through every room to measure the windows. 

 

I'm so busy trying to distract myself with all of this big stuff that I'm not taking care of the basic every day stuff.  Is it ever going to all come together? I know I'm never going to stop missing Tim but can't I have the rest of my life running smoothly?  Will I ever feel like I have energy again? Will I ever be motivated again to keep up with all of the day to day stuff?

 

I'm not sure exactly what my point is, I guess I want someone to tell me "yes Donna, you can be a normal productive person who just happens to miss her dead husband". 

[Mrskro]

Here you go  .... "yes Donna, you can be a normal productive person who just happens to miss her dead husband". 

 

I could have written this whole thing.  I have found I have two places....either I concentrate on all the basic every day stuff and then start to feel like what's the point if my life is just going to be tidying the house and laundry.  OR I concentrate on the big stuff and changing things and that takes up so much of my energy I suddenly have no clean socks. 

 

I am really struggling with a balance, and I am really tired of everyone telling me I should move on...find a man....start living again. 

 

But I have to believe at some point yes we will all be productive people again. (I'm leaving out the normal because who wants that  )

[Guest TooSoon]

My strategy was different - stay put, concentrate on work - getting promoted, getting grants for my research, make sure kid is getting the help she needs with learning, her emotions and making friends and making the best of it until Andy and I come up with our "balance." 

 

It just plain hasn't worked.  Lately I have been saying, "A year ago I should have....." or "After he died I should have....."  But what use is that now?  We all made the best decisions we could with what we had at the time (ok, driving my car until there was no oil left forcing me to buy a new engine was not the best decision but you know what I mean). 

 

In building a life of my own, I also alienated people and find myself not exactly isolated because my job is very social in many ways but more importantly, I'm just not connected to anything here anymore.  Collateral damage?  I don't know.  It seems to happen with a lot of us. 

 

And I am also tired.  As I said to a colleague who has been being especially demanding and critical lately, "I am not tired like, "I got a bad night sleep" tired.  I am tired like, "The last five years have been completely leveled me" tired."  I get it. 

 

While this isn't constructive in any way, I've noticed that a lot of us in our cabal from 2013 have been expressing a lot of the same things lately, even though our circumstances are different.  I usually say this about my daughter but "Maybe its just a phase."  The latest phase in this process.  Maybe it just takes more time.  Solidarity.

[Trying]

Balance seems to be the common thing we are all struggling with.  I think most 2 parent families struggle with balance but for us it's that much more difficult and we are trying to do it all while grieving too.  I know I should cut myself some slack but when I see my house through someone else's eyes or my kids are screwing up it makes me feel so inadequate. 

 

My ex best friend (widowed 10 years) texted me for my birthday Saturday and made a comment that  "you've made so many big decisions, I'm glad to hear you're doing well".  Of all people she should realize that it doesn't mean I'm doing "well" but she has serious problems and that why we are no longer friends. 

 

[Torn]

Ya know it really seems "the curse" of oss around/ a lil after 2 years that it forces us to feel inadequacy,in a few ways.

  I feel the same as you guys,loads of "i should have's " & I've accomplished a fair amount but there's nothing that'll make me better totally,no matter how much I do,I "still do alone"..

  It's hard,really I wish each of us a lil extra peace in this time.

  I've tried to adapt a certain amount of assumption that my wife would be proud of the progress I've made.

  But I often think that some how one day I must learn to be proud of my own progress,possibly just another stage of 'letting go',but I suppose in time I'll feel better...best to you all

[donswife]

"yes Donna, you can be a normal productive person who just happens to miss her dead husband".

I wanted to add congratulations with opening your new practice

I go through a few of these phases

I do huge projects and only focus on that and then walk in my house and notice I look like a pack rat

or I then switch and I am vacuuming at midnight , yup I can see my neighbors rolling their eyes at that

I did take a few breaks from this and went away , took a deep breath and it helped

even know I hate the phrase ,maybe this is our new normal , we just need to find a way to be at Peace with it

 

[Needytoo]

I hate to admit it but it really sucks that I can't find balance in my life.  Seriously 49 years old, you would think I could get my "shit" together. 

With therapy and my therapy creative writing course I think I am finally feeling there might be a way.  Seriously, maybe there is a way.  It is still very much a work in the process.  I am working on setting boundaries something that I will admit I haven't done well in my life. It need to work on this in all aspects on my life.  For example, my kids 17 & 21 years old don't help me too much around the house but they feel I should be their slave and pay for everything because I am rich.(I am not rich)  I can't afford to keep giving them everything so I had to "fill" them in.  House hold chores I am getting more demanding on that as well.  We are having arguments which is a whole new experience for me, since before I would need to make everything perfect.  Now I am finding after the argument we are way better at communicating.  Chores are still not being done but hey most Moms complain about this. 

I have a hard time asking for help and I know it because when I thought the people that are close to me refuse to help me I think why would anyone want to help me.  I am finding this one huge lie that I sure wish I found out earlier.  I am very slowly asking the new people in my life for help.  It is a very weird feeling to accept help. 

If anyone has any other suggestions I am up for any advice. 

[MikeR]

Ok, for me it was like this:

 

1. Life is WAY different now. Some ways much better, other ways not as good. But it also took me time to realize and accept that it will always be DIFFERENT.

 

2. It's a struggle to balance the big and small stuff. Heck, there's only one if us rather than the two that used to deal with everything. My cope is to remember that it's harder than it was and to not let it get me down.

 

3. I miss Cathryn and always will, but as time goes on it becomes easier to live with. From early on I realized it would get better so I kept telling myself to have patience. Most of the time it works.

 

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing just fine!

 

Mike

 

 

[trying2breathe]

As a former OCD-type, losing focus after DH died was extremely frustrating - not just dealing with grief but also the feeling of not being capable at times of accomplishing anything.  It was hard to come to terms with the fact that some days maybe absolutely nothing would get done. 

 

As 3 years approaches, I'm realizing that there's little in my life that's essential - things can slide.  What would previously make me crazy trying to accomplish, now isn't on my radar.  I think what it comes down to is that I just don't give a s**t.     

 

Donna - you'll be as productive as you want to be.  It's great to have lists and a plan, and I imagine that you'll get much done with this. 

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm the same way T2B.  I start some project and then eventually let it slide.  I lose interest or just don't care.  It's crazy because I never used to be this way.  I just dont give a s**t about alot of stuff either.  It'll be 3 yrs next month and I still sometimes cant believe this is my life.

Solidarity!