First Month

[bdean38]

It will be one month this Tuesday when my wife of 11 years very suddenly passed away. She was my everything. We have a wonderful 4 year old daughter together. I never thought I could feel so lonely. I’m a very positive and faith-driven person. I know somehow, someway this will all work out in the end but it just sucks. I miss everything about her especially her presence. I look back and have no idea how a month has passed by. I don’t know what I’ve done this past month. I’ve been off of work this month. I’ve taken care of my daughter, gone to the gym, and that’s all I know. Everything else is a blur. I’m trying to work my way through this as healthy as possible…for myself and for my daughter. And because my wife being the shining light that she was, would want that too. I return to work tomorrow, not sure how I feel about that. My grief counselour asked me what I fear with returning to work. I guess my answer is that it’s almost like life is officially moving again or something, like back to reality..sort of. Not sure other than that at the moment. I feel like a zombie going through life. It’s weird and nobody I know understands. Sometimes I wish time would speed up and I’d feel better and other times I don’t want the next day to come because I get farther away in time from the last time I was with her. It’s strange. But I am thankful I found this place with others that have gone through this crappy situation.

[BrokenHeart2]

Welcome BD38 to the group nobody wants to join but we're glad you found us.  I'm sorry for the loss of your DW (Dear Wife). We understand.  We get it.

Sometimes I wish time would speed up and I’d feel better and other times I don’t want the next day to come because I get farther away in time from the last time I was with her. It’s strange.

I remember feeling just like this.  You're not alone in the horrible and crazy journey.

Good luck tomorrow.

Big hugs

[donswife]

so sorry you have to be in this group but glad you found us here

just walking around and getting through the day is a huge accomplishment

please keep posting here and again I am so sorry and please be easy on yourself

take care

[LTSLforever]

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife.  You are correct - "it just sucks".  Getting through this is hard, really hard.  Sending comfort and hugs to you.

[arneal]

So sorry for the passing of your wife. Yes, we've all been in that place. I think the going back to work deal, especially if you haven't seen anyone from there this last month, is dealing with the questions ('What happened?' or 'How did she pass?' or 'How are you?') and the looks. People don't mean any harm but they tend to look at you with this sad expression because your spouse/beloved has died. But you do what you do and you get through the first day, and then the second, and then the third. Just take it slow. And remember, we're here for you.

[Tatianakm]

Sometimes I wish time would speed up and I’d feel better and other times I don’t want the next day to come because I get farther away in time from the last time I was with her. It’s strange.

 

So very sorry for the loss of your wife, BDean38. Know this: everything that you feel is very valid and normal. It is just two months since my DH passed away, just and already at the same time. It seems like it was such a long-long-long time ago, as if I live in my own time zone. I discovered this forum when I was just about 3 weeks into it and I am so thankful I did! Having a little girl to take care is a blessing, as you will have to stay put together for her- you have no other choice; on the other hand it makes it so much harder to sort out your own grief, as it feels like you have to suppress your own feelings to remain a good parent. Post here often, you will always get a supportive group of people who are going through same rough time and a good advice from the widows/widowers who managed to pull through several years ahead of us. Hugs to you and your daughter.

[Mizpah]

I’m trying to work my way through this as healthy as possible…for myself and for my daughter. And because my wife being the shining light that she was, would want that too.

 

nobody I know understands.

 

other times I don’t want the next day to come because I get farther away in time from the last time I was with her.

 

I'm so sorry for your and your daughter's great loss.  I'm sure all of us could relate to all/most of what you sad. 

 

Keep working out (but you already know this).  I think a lot of my healing was due to consistent working out and running.  It is a dark and lonely experience/feeling, and it's good to get as much good going on inside as possible - endorphins, etc.  Getting sunshine and being outside helped me a lot too. 

 

I used to chant inside my head, not even really knowing what I meant by it: "Turn to the light."  It sounds like that's what you're doing/trying to do. 

 

Looking to the spirit of who your wife was for inspiration is also something I can relate to.  I felt like DH was gone, and I wanted to incorporate within myself and my outlook his own outlook.  I realize it's impossible, but it felt like a positive, purposeful mission at the time - be more like him.  I like to think/hope that, 5 years later, I am a bit....

 

We all understand whatever feelings you have.  Lean on us whenever you need to.  It can be a very dark and lonely journey. 

[bdean38]

Thank you ALL so much for listening and posting! My first day (well, it was just a half day) back at work wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was very anxious driving into work but everyone was so kind and respectful. Day 1 down!

I think having my daughter definitely helps. She keeps me smiling and makes me get out and do stuff...at the same time I'm trying to be conscience and I make sure that I have alone time as well. We'll see how it goes moving forward.

Mizpah: yes, you hit the nail on the head. When I go to the gym, it's the best I feel in any given day. I'm confident, I feel like, "yes, I got this...everything will be ok".  I love that feeling. I also think, how can I be more like her today. She had so many awesome qualities that I want to incorporate into my life moving forward.

[arneal]

That's so great, bd! Keep at it and know we are here!

[Jen]

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

[AubreeAnn]

I can relate 100% to everything you said. I'm just starting to go back to work. My main anxiety mainly came from driving down the road my love was killed on. I go a different route now. It's hard also because it's going back to a routine without a very important piece. That's what scares me the most, going back to the things I did before I lost him. To me, going back to work makes it seem as if "Oh that loss was a speed bump, now go on, continue what you were doing". Like a slap in the face. Work can be hard and we can relate. I hope you find it more bearable to make it through your day. Hugs.