I don't feel like I belong

[Guest April]

I consider myself a strong person.. I would normally not care if I could conform to a any particular group of people.. I embrace my individuality.. but lately.. I just can't seem to relate to many people at all.. I'm not married but wouldn't consider myself single..  I'm not an older widow who is lonely and I'm not overwhelmed with grief.. Don't get me wrong.. I love and miss my husband.. who he used to be.. but he had his demons.. He was a disabled veteran from the first gulf war.. My children and I have been through a lot since my husband took his own life a little over a year ago.. who am I kidding.. we were going through a lot way before that terrible day.. I have tried a couple other forums.. they just didn't seem for me.. no one seems to be a suddenly single parent.. or they are just so over whelmed with grief they can barely function.. I'm sad.. but.. I need to take care of 4 children.. sometimes.. especially when I read how badly some people are grieving.. I feel guilty that I'm not in complete despair.. or maybe it hasn't truly hit me.. or maybe I'm just so engulfed with my children with school and sport and their mourning.. I don't know.. I guess I'm just looking for someone that can relate.. it would be nice to talk to someone that can understand.. maybe share ways of how they have helped their children.. Thanks for listening.

[twistedmensa]

My husband was a disabled Vietnam Vet...so I understand about the demons.

 

Everybody handles grief differently; just because you aren't in complete despair doesn't mean you aren't doing it right or should feel guilty.

[Trying]

April, welcome to or group, the group I wish no one needed.  I think you will find many people here who you can relate to. Our stories are all different and our grief journeys are different but there is always someone here who gets  the different pieces of my struggles.  We have other survivors of suicide here and many parents who are suddenly faced with doing it solo.  Some of us had fairy tale marriages and some of us had troubled marriages. I'm not great and sharing my feelings or asking for help with my family and friends so the people here have been my life line. 

 

It sounds like you were in survival mode for a while before your husband died, I'm very sorry for everything you and your children have endured.  I have 3 kids and they have been both my reason to keep moving forward and my greatest source of sadness.  Their grief is by far the hardest part for me. 

 

Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.  I think you will find that you belong here.

[Portside]

I feel guilty that I'm not in complete despair.. or maybe it hasn't truly hit me.. or maybe I'm just so engulfed with my children with school and sport and their mourning.. I don't know..

 

April - When my wife died, I also did not despair or shake my fists at the sky and lament "Why me?". I hesitate to say this but for my family (four sons) and me, it was a type of relief when my wife passed. Our lives were suddenly released from the massive burdens she imposed on us due to her illnesses.  :-\

 

My kids and I tried, as best we could, to immediately put the whole mess behind us and get on with our lives. The kids each handled it differently, but 8 years later, they are all well-balanced, successful, and productive young men. Honestly, the only thing I concentrated on was to let them know I wasn't going anywhere. Well, that, and to provide a stable environment for them. When my wife was alive, our home life was a disaster. One of constant upheaval.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

p.s. - I served with the Marines - PM me if you wish

[Guest April]

I have 4 children.. 18, 12, 10 and 3.. I asked my sons grief counselor (my oldest son.. 17 at the time.. needed to have emergency services.. he blamed himself.. because he fought with him before my husband passed away).. I asked him.. why I wasn't grieving.. he made a good point.. I probably grieved a long time ago.. we did go through hell.. I couldn't abandon him.. I felt like it was my duty to take care of him.. I kept him stable.. but I couldn't control it anymore.. his illness just got worse and worse.. to the point I couldn't balance it out anymore.. I couldn't hide it from the kids anymore.. after my son and he fought.. I had to put my foot down.. I told him he needed to get help or I had to move on.. they were my last words to him.. he didn't leave a note or anything.. I felt extremely guilty.. but a therapist explained to me.. that there was nothing I could of done.. my husband needed professional help.. more then he could have offered.. he needed to be in a facility.. which I later found out that his VA doctor was trying to get him to go to.. I wish he could have made him go.. although things were tough.. my children loved him.. my younger son (11 at the time) saw no wrong in my husbands actions.. he idolized him.. he couldn't see what he was.. so after my husband passed.. he just couldn't understand why.. I had to explain everything.. my daughter (9 at the time) saw the things things he did wrong.. and would tell him.. she was devastated when he passed.. although he had problems.. he adored her.. she was his baby girl.. I think she felt guilty that she didn't have the blind love my 12 year old has for him..  my now 3 year old I don't think has a clue.  PTSD + opiate dependency = a living hell.

 

My husband was a combat medic for the marines special forces.. he went in Navy.

[Mizpah]

I'm sorry, April.  I think you'll probably find what I found here: extremely supportive, kind people who can relate to various aspects of similarity.  You may find some who can relate to veterans' issues, some who can relate to not being overwhelmed by grief, some who can relate to having children, etc., etc. 

 

My heart breaks for your kids and for you and all you've had to carry.  I hope the solidarity we can offer will bring you tiny bits of comfort. 

 

(The young widowed parents section is full of amazing, strong, wise parents.)

[Guest April]

Thank you..  I think this will be my sanctuary.. between the parents forum and suicide/mental illness forum.. I am finding I do relate to a lot of the beautifully open and kind people here.. which is also sad that there are so many people that have gone through similar situations.. my only hope is that I too can help bring comfort to someone else.

[SemperFidelis]

Hi April, what you are going through is normal.  You have gone from worrying about your survival to not worrying about it. It is normal for that to sort of counterbalance the grief side of things. And yes, you may have gone through a type of grieving earlier on.... A grieving for the loss of an ideal or a loss of a person if you knew him befor his war experiences.

 

My husband did casualty evacuation in the 2003 invasion.

 

I am one year out and I do not feel like I have reached a point of total despair. I went through much much worse surviving the war he brought home. I think people like you and I have been sort of stress innoculated.