My oncologist...my touchstone

[Wheelerswife]

I'm just back from seeing my oncologist.  My tests/scans are again clear...no evidence of disease.  It has been 27 months since my cancer was found and removed through surgery.  That was just 6 weeks after my second husband died.  My oncologist is a great lady, in her late 30's, and understands from daily experiences and encounters with cancer patients just what is important in life.  She isn't the one who had to tell me I had a rare and aggressive tumor, but she is the one who sat there while I struggled to just breathe as she outlined the options I had for treatment.  She empathized with me when I told her I didn't want the option of chemotherapy, even though it was possible that tumor cells were left behind.  She saw my anxiety and the panic in my eyes and she was incredibly gentle with me.  From the beginning, she encouraged me not to focus on the worst case scenario.  I asked her, probably three or six months later on a return visit...how do I live with this?  She told me to live like I didn't have cancer and to leave the worrying up to her.  I never really told her I didn't know how to live having lost my second husband, but I know she knew that was a part of my question.

 

I have to travel 800 miles to get to my oncologist...I need someone who knows my rare cancer...and I saw her every 3 months for awhile, then every 4 months, and I last saw her in January.  Each time, I spend a day flying to get there, another day undergoing tests, and then I see her the following day.  Each time, she has been able to tell me that my scans show no sign of recurrent disease.  That is a short conversation.  Then, she wants to talk about how I am doing.  She is honestly interested.  She remembers everything.  She asks for an update on my anxiety and coping, my schooling, my summer plans, my slow and gradual return amongst the living. 

 

When I first met her, I had a year to go on a second Bachelor's degree and I didn't have a sense of direction for a second career.  Since then, I've completed that Bachelor's degree and 3 semesters of a Master's degree.  I've spent 2 summers traveling the US.  At this point, I have just one semester to go and I will check in with her in 6 months, just as I finish my final projects for this degree.  It is interesting to see how far I have come through her eyes. 

 

It has been a scary walk...or trudge...losing my second husband and facing my own mortality at the same time.  I still hurt.  I still face anxiety.  I'm still afraid, sometimes, that the rug will be pulled out again.  My chest aches just writing this.  But I know that there really isn't much choice for me.  How do I live with this?  I have to live like I don't have cancer...or that will eat me alive.  I also have to live with the attitude that I can be happy again, and that I will be successful in a new career, and that I will find love again, too.  It isn't necessarily easy...and there are no guarantees, but I guess I don't know how else to do this.  I have to have hope, and my oncologist helps me feel hopeful.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Being strong doesn't mean you don't have fears and anxiety, being strong means you keep going despite those fears.

 

I'm am so happy to hear your results were clear and that you have found an oncologist who understands beyond the just the medical implications of your diagnosis.  What a great way to start your summer!

[Max2507]

Trying you really summed it up well. WW we have never met, spoke or interacted otherwise but you have been such an inspiration to me at so many points down this road. So glad you have received a great report again, so wonderful to hear good news.

[Taurus]

Congratulations Maureen...so very happy for you.

[WifeLess]

Maureen,

 

Your fear that the rug may be pulled out from under you again is certainly understandable after what you've been through. And I suspect that feeling is shared to one extent or another by all of us here who have tried to put our lives back together after our losses. As you say, there are no guarantees.

 

But for now, I celebrate your great news! Very happy for you!

 

--- WifeLess

[Guest April]

What an amazing amount of resilience and will, not to just survive but to live to your absolute fullest potential.. even during such trying times!  It will be an amazing feat if I ever earn just an associates degree.. Just making it back to school will be a small miracle in itself!

 

Your oncologist sound like an amazing doctor and human being.. traits not so easy to find in the same person.  Congratulations on another round of clear test results.. I pray you have many, many more!!

[donswife]

Maureen,

Your post took my breath away and I am happy for your good news on clear scans

But I do understand the fear and anxiety of the time you might hear something different

I will just let you know I am a stage 3 cancer person (not a fan of survivor as it still seems to be a part of my life still)

I am 4 years out but still see my oncologist who has become my friend and strongest advocate to try and keep me healthy mentally and physically

I am so glad you found an oncologist who understands what you have been through and will keep your emotional temperature as part of your recovery

this is a hard enough journey to be a widow then faced with cancer

I have read your posts from day one of my time here and you have been a life saver for me

I don't say that lightly because its the truth

I promise you this wonderful group of people will be there for you as you were here for us

You can pm me whenever you need to talk

take care

Nancy

 

[Blue14]

Wonderful news!

[DonnaP]

Maureen,

 

Your strength of will, determination, resilience, and unfailingly positive attitude have made all the difference. You still have a role to play in this world, and those of us left here are glad to have you with us! I'll be your cheerleader anyday.

 

Love and HUGS,

Donna