Why do we remember the end so clearly?

[Kater]

My dear friend lost her 13 year old son to cancer 3 years ago.  She stayed at my house last night and it was the first time we had a really good talk about what we are living.  Frankly, it was the first time I felt I could have a genuine conversation with her about things.  While losing a spouse is not the same as losing a child, they are both clearly awful and life altering events.  What we both noticed was that we could very easily recount their last moments - what they said, what doctors said, what the hospital looked like, etc.  but we had a harder time recalling some of the things about their lives.  I hate that I think so much about his last moments.  He had a heart attack, and we had about 36 hours in the hospital with him, although he was basically unconscious for all of it.  I could pretty much tell you hour by hour what happened in that time.

 

My sister in law was the echo tech on call that night and she did the echo when he arrived at the hospital.  She was such a blessing to me.  She knew the cardiologist that was handling his case and I trusted completely that DH got the best care possible.  She was working with that same cardiologist this past weekend and she passed on that he asked how I was doing which I thought was very nice.  I told her that she could tell him he is often in my dreams ha ha.  It doesn't happen as often anymore but most mornings when I am just waking up, I am transported back to the hospital room and all the events of those last 36 hours.  It's a video that plays over and over and over.  I have no regrets.  I know that he received the best care and nothing more could have been done, so that's not what is plaguing me.  But it is starting to drive me crazy and I think it could keep keep me from moving forward.   

 

I recall someone saying that they were doing the same so they wrote out all the events in painstaking detail and then closed the book on it and were able to dwell on it much less.  Has anyone else done something to successfully move those memories to the back of mind?  I had a gap for a while, but the last few days I have been replaying it again.  I am thinking some of it was triggered by my SIL mentioning the cardiologist.  It will be 5 months tomorrow that he died, so maybe I just need some more time....? (On a side note, it is amazing that 5 months can feel like 5 years and 5 minutes all at the same time  ???)

 

Kate

[Wheelerswife]

Kate,

 

I can completely relate to your experiences of reliving those last moments of your husband.  I think this is very, very common, and in my experiences, quite repetitive.  I have been through this twice, and at any time, I can pull up the tape-loop of the times surrounding both of my husbands' deaths.  Those images were strong for awhile...and I relived them in full technicolor at the time of the anniversaries of their deaths...at least for the first couple of years.  I've found that they tend to soften, but still, I can recall them.  In a way, they are a reminder to me that I won't forget them, even though my life continues to go on after their lives so sadly ended.  I'm no expert on the psychology of these relived experiences, but I think that they had such a strong emotional component that they are embedded into our memory through different pathways, and I think this keeps those memories more vivid. 

 

As far as your side note...yeah.  I get that, too.  A couple of nights ago, I gave one of John's guitars to his friend and colleague.  They used to enjoy jamming together.  It has been 2 years and 4 months since my second husband died, and we were talking about just that.  Wasn't he just here?  Yet so much has transpired since he died.  Sometimes it really hurts that I am moving further from the times we had together. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest April]

Like a recorder.. every syllable.. over and over.. my husband's death wasn't expected and yet I am still haunted by our last moments together.

[Captains wife]

This is really tough - reliving the last moments. My husband was missing for hours and then found dead and I went to identify the body. I had only spoken to him hours before he went missing. I replayed that night/morning over and over in my head for months. I don't think you can get certain triggered memories out of your head that are so life altering. However, I'm 4 years out now and certain details have faded and the event doesn't feel as emotionally raw as it did in the first several months. I also talked it out with a grief therapist and a few people until I didn't want to think/ talk about it anymore. Time will help....just give it more time. All the best,

[kjs1989]

Yes, this seems to be universal. I have told the details of that day to so many people, some of whom probably got way more information than they bargained for. Played that day over and over again in my head, the coroner showing up at my door, the calls I made, my daughter wailing on the sofa. Whether you lose your spouse to a long term illness or suddenly, those last days, moments, are etched in our brain, aren't they.

[ATJ]

 

 

"On the sands of life, sorrow treads heavily

and leaves a print that time cannot wash away."

 

~~ Henry Neele

 

 

 

 

"Time is like the wind, it lifts the light and leaves the heavy,"

 

~Doménico Cieri Estrada

 

 

 

ATJ

[Kater]

Thanks all for your comments.  As always there is comfort in knowing what I feel is common and that time will soften it all.

 

Kate