What Are The Triggers ?

[Captains wife]

I don't know what it is - I had been feeling pretty good (year 4 now!) but since Sunday, I have been weepy and feeling really sad about what happened to my husband. I just miss talking to him and I feel there were unresolved issues that I will now never get to resolve. For some reason this week, it doesn't feel like 4 years, it feels like the accident happened just a little while ago.

 

I don't know where this came from but the triggers might have been Fathers Day, my son moving onto kindergarten, my son's class went to visit the memorial bench, I was recently going through some of my husbands stuff ?? My triggers of grief used to be just seeing his favorite foods in the supermarket - I don't know anymore what the grief triggers are...but they aren't fun.

 

What are the triggers for your renewed grief ?

[Guest TooSoon]

Its a weird thing (3 and a half years here).  I'm about to make some major, positive changes and I should be filled with nothing but joy and anticipation but it is simply not that simple, is it?  Strange things have been triggering me, too, and I find myself self-isolating again to try to avoid and circumvent them since i was reacting mainly to things other people said.  I haven't been weepy as much as I've been super-edgy and sensitive lately.  It is summer break so I'm on full-time Mommy duty (which at the minute is this intense 6 weeks of swimming team) and that's a strange place for me so I've just been burying myself in books because nothing else feels emotionally safe right now.  But why?!  No answers just sending you lots of support. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Captains wife.

 

I'm in the middle of a summer's-long trigger right now, too.  I'm going through John's possessions, and his brother will be here in just a couple of days.  I'm looking forward to a break in another week...and a bago, but being back in Connecticut might just end up being another trigger from another past life.

 

Fortunately, I expect to see some good people and sit around a fire pit...and then there is my ever-present dog who smooths things over for me.

 

Anniversary times are always hard, as well as other life cycle events, such at little John's move on to kindergarten.

 

Hug you soon!

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Some of mine are predictable like anniversaries, Fathers Day.  Any special milestone for one of our boys or any difficult parenting moment is a sure trigger.  Other triggers hit me out of no where like a song on the radio, a book or a movie. 

 

Sometimes I think these waves come along because I am struggling with something and just miss having him with me to balance me out.  I hope the tide starts to turn for you.

[Abitlost]

Lots of things, including realizing how long he has been dead, how much he has missed, and how much I miss him.

[donswife]

these triggers can sneak up on you

I wish we had a way to stop them or at least understand them

I am sorry these brought you back to a renewed grief ,Captains Wife

PS I get weepy not everyday but at random days ,

I then check the time this happens, usual right around 4 oclock   

I called him everyday after he got out to work then

I so miss these phone calls so much

[Wheelerswife]

Today's triggers:

 

I moved 12 bins of art supplies from the basement to the front door.  Tomorrow, they get donated to a local art teacher.  Why is this triggering me??  They belonged to John's late wife...and I never even knew her.

 

I attended our local Science Cafe.  Topic: The Orion space mission to Mars.  John was a huge space science nerd and we enjoyed attending Science Cafe's together.  He was the first presenter at the local Cafe when it first started several years ago and he presented probably a half a dozen topics, some on space and some on climate science. Then the host - a good friend of John's - mentions the time that the two of them went to the Kennedy Space Center for a Space Shuttle launch...but the launch was delayed...until the day after they left.

 

John's brother arrives in about 48 hours.  He is going to sift through a lot of his brother's things.  Having him here is enough to trigger a panic attack in and of itself.

 

Deep breaths.  That's what I keep telling myself.

 

Maureen

 

 

[donswife]

Wow Maureen that is a lot to take in

wonderful to hear John's friend mentioned, John

it sounded like a night your John would have loved

that can be so bittersweet so great to hear stories but also pulls at your heart that they aren't there

Take deep breaths like you said

soon you will be at a bago for some hugs and support

 

 

[CJF]

My triggers are when I hear of other couples going away on vacations or just doing things together.  It's hard not to think "that should have been us".

 

The other thing that triggers me is when I think of the friends who have disappeared and how difficult it is now to make new ones or how to keep the ones that are still around from disappearing also.  That sounds pathetic but I find it's true.

[Guest TooSoon]

OK, I am a f*cking train wreck lately.  I cannot put my finger on it and it driving me crazy.  Every little thing sends me reeling.  As I put it to adp earlier today, it seems like everything matters and at the same time nothing matters.  WTH?!

 

Maybe someone from somewhere beyond this 3-4 year thing - whatever it is - can shed some light?  Offer some encouragement?  I should be better, not worse. 

[Trying]

TooSoon, I am not far enough beyond to shed light on "being better" but I can empathisize. You are in the middle of a time of great change and while much of it is positive there is a lot of unknowns which is scary. For me, the positive steps forward I take are often occompanied by emotional turmoil, weepiness and some outright craziness. What I had in the past was secure and predictable and even if it wasn't always perfect, I was comfortable there. Each step away from that comfortable past is very triggering.

 

Sending you hugs and hoping things start to smooth out for you.

[Wheelerswife]

I wish I knew some of the answers.  I found myself much more stable after I lost my first husband than I was after I lost my second husband.  I tend to be pretty decisive.  After I met John, I made decisions to change my life and I acted on them.  I made good decisions for myself.  I was even open to a lot of uncertainty. 

 

It hasn't been nearly as easy since John died.  I want to be decisive, but I can't find many answers.  Maybe some of the difference is that I wasn't in any way expecting to have my life turned upside down this time.  Change is coming, but I really don't even know what to expect...other than change. 

 

I'm holding on for the ride, even though I don't really know where I'm going.

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

 

 

[MissingSquish]

Hugs CW.

 

I am also getting triggered by a lot of things recently too. For me, it's been the upcoming election and the sad things that happened in Orlando. I'm also dealing with some disappointment with my friends recently too. Squish was the person I was able to commiserate with that people suck sometimes. I wish I had more light to shed on the subject.  Sending love to all who are struggling with triggers now. 

 

 

[rifatheroffour]

Three years, 5 months, 11 days...today I barely got out of the grocery store before melting down.  My 2nd son leaves for marching band tour for the summer tomorrow and it feels like when I brought my 1st son to college last year.  I'm way off my game lately and feel ready to snap but full on tears from triggers are far worse.

[Sugarbell]

8 1/2 years here....I really no longer have triggers. I mean sure at various kids accomplishments..or selling the house I may have a moment of sadness...but it's a fleeting moment. I no longer go spiraling into grief. I can tell you that my rock bottom was at 4 1/2 years out...failed 5 month marriage to toxic ex..a closet pill drug addict..an emotional basket case.

 

Then I got my miracle-or spiritual awakening...and started becoming my whole true self again.

 

Being farther out...and this sounds so generic...but it's time. Time heals. I now have more time under my belt of memories solo with my kids..time has allowed me to rediscover me again..time has allowed me to learn from new or former relationships. Time has given me confidence that I can do this journey and survive/thrive.

 

I don't believe in time frames...time is different for everyone with different needs. We want quick fixes, we compare how far we've come to others..we think we should be at a certain point by a certain time frame.

 

I really no longer look at myself as a widow. I mean yea I guess I am and always will be one...but everything shifted to the light...but it took time. ((((hugs)))