New relationship dredging up grieving

[robunknown]

I’m in a new relationship now with a widow. The “L” word is not far away. It’s not that I feel guilty about the relationship. But these feelings...well, I haven’t felt them in a very long time, not since DW.

 

It feels like I am walking down an old familiar, overgrown path that leads to somewhere amazing I haven’t been to in a long time. Part of me wants to start sprinting down the path (moving the relationship too fast), part of me is fearful the path will just fizzle out (it just won’t work out).

 

I was lucky to have my DW tell me this is what she wanted for me and our son after passes.

 

I’m just finding the new process of falling in love, while absolutely beautiful and wonderful, is dredging up old grief and that fact took me by surprise.

 

I’m back down to just taking things day by day.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

When I realized that I was falling in love again (also widowed), it really threw me for a loop.  It didn't bring up guilt for me because Scott not only told me but was adamant that my daughter and I keep living.  However, I wasnt looking for a relationship or to fall in love when I did and I wasn't prepared for how scared I would be truly trusting another person in that way.  I knew after a certain point that if we were going to pursue our relationship and build a life together, I had to let down all of the walls I built up to protect myself during cancer and then death.  It was hard and very scary but it is worth it. 

 

For a while, not anymore but for a good long while, those feelings existed in parallel with falling in love.  It was bit of a roller coaster. I was open and honest (and sometimes a little crazy) with him about how scary it was for me and that helped.

 

I just wanted to validate what you're feeling and also say, I am happy for you! 

[robunknown]

Thanks Toosoon.

Yeah, one of the factors I always forget is that just because my wife passed, doesn't mean the trauma of taking care of her for so long is totally removed. The trauma didn't magically disappear into grieving her loss. It is that caretaker trauma, the walls that were built up as DW and my relationship changed, I think are crumbling for the better.

[Trying]

A new relationship is scary, confusing, exciting and definitely dredges up all kinds of emotions.  My DH also told me he wanted me to live life to the fullest.  Letting down the walls, opening up, daring to dream about the future, and being willing to risk uncertainty can be an emotional roller coaster.  I had to get to the point where I felt the positives far out weighed the "what ifs". 

 

Best wishes for you in your knew relationship, enjoy her and the all of the wonderful things that come with falling in love.

[Mizpah]

Aw, yayyyy!!!!  That's lovely.  Congratulations on finding someone you adore. 

 

Back when I was about 15 months out, I forced myself to date someone who was nice but didn't interest me in any passionate way.  It felt safe and I needed to make myself face the social world again. 

 

When I was ending it, I told him that I couldn't let myself feel anything for him, because if I felt anything, I'd feel everything.  He thought I meant that if I felt anything for him, I'd feel everything FOR HIM.  I didn't correct him, because he was nice and I didn't want to take that away from him.  But what I meant was that if I let myself feel anything for him (or any man at that time), I would feel everything - for DH - about DH - about another man being the man in my life/future who wasn't DH - the depth of my grief that I *couldn't* feel being "single."  I had been ready to delve deeply into my grief - on my own in the world, but not the complexities caused by loving a man who wasn't DH. 

 

It's like a whole new world of firsts, and you know those grief firsts are intense.  So much more so when it's love again, and the player is not DH/DW, but a person you never would have met/known/loved had it not been for death.  It causes so many intense conflicting simultaneous emotions. 

[robunknown]

Thanks I'm pretty excited (though a little cautious)

 

It's funny you say that Mizpah. I dated someone over the winter. Then I had pretty much found someone who wasn't emotionally available like I thought I wanted to be. Once I figured out I was open to be emotional again I ended it.

I think I definitely needed a "starter" (lol) relationship to see where I was at.

[Captains wife]

Congrats on meeting someone - its not easy ! : )  For some reason, when you meet and fall in love with someone new, people on the outside seem to think that you are ok and have moved on. Its not that simple - I have had a few boyfriends since my husband died (ugh - not been that lucky so far in love) and meeting someone new that I really liked and heading down that path brought up all sorts of anxiety for me...it was odd sometimes how I felt, when I felt I should just be happy. But instead I felt sad and anxious. But I also found that the right partner will help you through all these emotions....

 

The day by day approach is good - slow and steady...although I totally get the feeling of wanting to sprint. Those new feelings can be really intoxicating : )

 

Wishing you all the best,