There must be others with this problem

[MrsDan]

I've been seeing my boyfriend, N, for about eight months. I was initially worried about DD accepting him, because she's always been very reserved around men (except my FIL and BIL), but instead she became instantly attached to him. She gloms onto him whenever she sees him is always saying we have to tell N this or that. Now, it wouldn't necessarily be too much of a problem, except that she also does it when we spend time with N's DD. She's a year old and he only sees her two weekends a month. So he obviously cherishes the little time he has with her, and it makes it difficult to focus on his DD when mine is clamoring for his attention. As a result, the four of us don't spend that much time together and so N and I don't usually see each other on the weekends he has his DD.

 

This past weekend we went to N's DD birthday party. My DD was an absolute shit almost the whole time. Now, she was up a little late the night before, and we've been having some issues with defiance and rudeness with me the past few weeks, some of which I think is just four year old bullshit, and some of which I think is grief related since she just lost her grandfather. But this was a big day for N, and I spent most of it trying to keep her from completely pestering him, and not embarrassing us. N said it was fine; he only witnessed a little bit of her attitude with me, and said she's usually much more clingy with him when it's just the three of us. But he is also very kind. He does try to include DD, but also doesn't want her(and neither do I) to think everything is all about her.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this issue of their kid(s) becoming very quickly attached to their significant other. I'm not so much worried about what will happen if N and I don't work out, more like what will happen if we do. Because because I know her behavior comes from not having a dad, and needing to fill that hole. But N isn't her dad. I know that he cares for her, but he's never going to feel the way about her that Dan did, or the way he does about his own child. It breaks my heart to see her looking to him to be something that he just can't be.

 

It's also hard for me to watch N with his DD. I don't want it to be, because I really am happy that he has her and is such a devoted dad. But it's very hard to see something that DD will never have, that Dan will never have. I don't want it to be, so I find myself pretending it's not, until it just gets to be too much for me and I find myself shutting down. Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone else has had this issue, and what you did about it, to I guess manage expectations.

[Trying]

I am not in your shoes because my kids are older but I did want to share with you the love my step father had for me and me for him. He came into our lives when I was 3, my birth father didn't die but he was an ass and I broke ties with him at age 15. My step father was an incredible Dad to me. I can see why you are concerned about her clinginess interfering with the precious little time he has with his own daughter, and the need to be the center of the world is not uncommon in all 4 year olds and probably more so with an only child. I just wanted to share a positive step dad experience so if you are ever at the point with him you know it's possible for it to be wonderful.

 

Good luck navigating these waters!

[RobFTC]

My take - our hearts have a lot of room for love, and I know I would hope to love my next partner's kids very deeply and enjoy them as family.  If N is with your DD for most of her childhood years, he can really be like a "bonus" Dad, or at the very least a very special friend.  I would try to not put limits on their relationship and enjoy it, given the other ways this could have gone for you.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[daysofelijah]

My youngest is 4.5 and she has become the most attached to BF. There isn't the same kind of dynamic in competition with his kids because his kids are 16 & 19 yo boys. She hasn't ever had a dad either though and she definitely loves the attention she can get from him. She loves him to tickle her and hang her upside down by here feet, lol, things she hasn't ever had before. He loves to play with her, but can get a little overwhelmed by her loudness and energy sometimes. I keep firm on boundaries as far as bedtime or quiet time when BF is here so he doesn't get overwhelmed by her. He loves kids though so it isn't too much of an issue. And being the youngest of four my dd is probably more used to having to share time.

 

I'm sure it's a tough thing. And I think you are doing the right thing by being considerate of his time when he is with his dd. Keep firm boundaries and behavior expectations when you are around him with his dd and your dd will start to learn what is expected and what is acceptable, similar to any sibling with a new younger sister.

 

I very much hope that my children, especially my youngest are blessed with a step-dad who loves them as much as his own. It won't be the same for my older children because they had a dad, not to be replaced, but my youngest never had that. I can see it being current BF, but am also careful to put no expectations on things right now for anyone. I think/hope it could happen though!

[MrsDan]

Thank you for the perspectives. I appreciate that step parents can love their step kids like their own, I just wonder about how having one's own biological child affects that. I'm just not sure how to manage her expectations. He can be a special friend, yes, but my fear is what she really wants is a dad.

[Portside]

 

He can be a special friend, yes, but my fear is what she really wants is a dad.

 

 

Well, if your new guy steps into that role fully, isn't that what he will be to DD?

 

My wife has natural children, an adopted child, and is a step-mother to my sons. Honestly, one couldn't tell that by the way she loves and cares for each of them. I'm convinced, on their part, the kids all think of her as "Mom" in the course of normal day-to-day family life.

 

In all of their minds, she is Mom.

 

I guess what I am saying is, if your NG acts like it, he will be it.

 

Best wishes, Mike

 

   

[tybec]

 

Cheesy, but some songs can say so much.  We didn't ask to be single parents but here we are.  I pray my heart can open to the possibility of my son having another father figure in his life that chooses to love him as his own.  I would not think possible, but being placed in this situation, I am open to it.  Have too many others who share it can work.  Incorporating the birth parent's memories into a new life with new people.  good luck!

[twin_mom]

Thank you for the perspectives. I appreciate that step parents can love their step kids like their own, I just wonder about how having one's own biological child affects that. I'm just not sure how to manage her expectations. He can be a special friend, yes, but my fear is what she really wants is a dad.

 

 

My daughter is 13, she was 9 when he died and 11 when ng and I got serious, so older than your daughter. But ng has kids, including a 19 year old daughter. My daughter adores ng (now, it was a rough start), to the point that she'll sometimes go to him with an issue before she comes to me. And he loves her right back. Does he love her like his bio-girl? No... he remembers being handed bio girl at birth as the best moment of his life. But that doesn't mean that he wouldn't move heaven and earth for my girl and won't develop wonderful memories of her now that they're in each other's lives. He loves her.

My daughter is  very worried that when his daughter is around he won't love her as much because he has his "real daughter". The three of us have talked about this, and honestly he was devastated when told this because to him, my daughter is a"real daughter", and he told her that if he ever does something to make her think otherwise she needs to tell him.

 

In my opinion, as a step mom to dh's girls and now almost step-mom to ng's kids, it depends on the relationship dynamics of everyone involved as  to what kind of relationship a step-parent and child develop. But I do believe that while he'll never be her "dad", he can be a dear father figure.

[Lmsmdm]

My Step Father had 4 of his own, as we all grew up and moved on, it was my visits he looked forward to the most.

 

Yes, they can love another as much, sometimes even more than their own.