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First fight


MrsDan
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Ugh. Boyfriend and I had our first disagreement. He made a comment about my parenting, and I did not react well to that. We talked it out, but I still feel like crap this morning. My anxiety levels are up. I know couples fight, it's just right now, with my wedding anniversary coming up next week, I have extra anxiety about a lot of things, including this relationship.

 

For those in post loss relationships, when was your first fight? What was it about, and how did you handle it?

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I'm sure it was hard to feel as if he was criticizing your parenting. Do you think he said it to be critical or out of care and concern? My bf has helped me see some things in my parenting that I have been lax on due to feeling sorry for my kids. I realize feeling sorry for them and allowing them to be spoiled and have lesser expectations has not served them well and I am trying to change. That's just what has been my experience so far though, hasn't led to any fights.

 

I don't know if we've actually had a fight yet. We have a couple of incidents of me getting very mad at him, and him apologizing, but that's about it. I can recall three times, two when he let his son manipulate him away from previously agreed upon time with me, and the other when he accidently called me by his x-girlfriend's name. We don't fight much. I usually melt down emotionally and he calms me down with logic, lol.

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I think he overstepped, and I overreacted. He commented that I sounded angry when correcting DD. I feel pretty shitty about it because earlier in the day, I asked him if he thought I was too strict, and he said he thought I sometimes hold her to unrealistic expectations. I told him I appreciated his honesty, that people are always telling me what I want to hear when it comes to my parenting. So I realize I basically opened the door to his opinion, then slammed it in his face. I feel like a dick. I do think it was coming from concern; he's too sweet and good natured for it to be otherwise. I think I also got defensive because he hasn't had to deal with the toddler stuff yet; his daughter is only a year old. And I've been doing it, by myself for practically her whole life. But I'm bummed, because I really make a concerted effort not to make some of the same mistakes I made with Dan, like getting worked up over small things, and I feel like I failed in that respect.

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But I'm bummed, because I really make a concerted effort not to make some of the same mistakes I made with Dan, like getting worked up over small things, and I feel like I failed in that respect.

 

Oh, have I been there! I thought a lot about the little things I would fight with Joe about and was convinced I wouldn't repeat those mistakes because I now had perspective. It was a great goal, but ultimately it just isn't possible for me. I had to accept despite knowing better, I am still human and can sweat the small stuff. For me, the big difference isn't that I don't get upset, but when I do get upset I am so much quicker to let it go and realize where I overreacted than I was before and for me, that is growth. It sounds like it is pretty similar for you and I think that is okay.

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I guess it's a good sign that I can't remember our first big fight...but i know it does feel different because it isn't a married couple fight- i.e. having it from a place of absolute commitment to one another, whereas now there is still room for one of you to throw up your hands and say 'fuck this shit, I'm outa here'.

 

For me, fighting about something and realizing I didn't then want him to go away forever was a sign i was  committed to the relationship. It's unreasonable to expect there won't be some disagreements arising from time to time. I mean, just because we're widowed doesn't mean we are now conflict-free simply because we realize the fragility of life, love, and all that shit...but hopefully we can resolve things quicker and with less drama because we do -ultimately- realize those things that are truly important.

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My bf has helped me see some things in my parenting that I have been lax on due to feeling sorry for my kids. I realize feeling sorry for them and allowing them to be spoiled and have lesser expectations has not served them well and I am trying to change.

 

This has been my experience exactly. And I've found the key has been to have an open mind and to realize that just because I've been parenting these kids for three years by myself it doesn't mean I'm always right. Quite the contrary, actually. I mean, I've got our syatem down pretty well, but sometimes a fresh set of eyes can bring a much better perspective.

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Guest TooSoon

MrsD, I think it would be odd if every now and then in a relationship things didn't come to some kind of incident like this. Andy and I have never argued/fought or disagreed on something enough for it to be an issue but as I've struggled with the time apart, I've flipped out and been irrational and in March I felt like we reached an impasse I wasn't sure I could weather. It was deeply unpleasant and we both felt awful, but we worked through it and moved on to a better place. I believe these things can help relationships grow and deepen.  Bumps in the road are not fun but entirely normal as you're figuring out what an "us" looks like, I think.  I hope you're feeling better about things. 

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Our disagreements tend to be about things we are each insecure about.  My boyfriend is also the only person in my life who is honest in his opinions and advice with me because he is the only one I am completely honest with about my struggles ( except all of you here).  He has young children and I have older teens and I can get pretty defensive when his opinion of my parenting hits a nerve.  He is often spot on and it's a matter of the truth hurting but there are times when it's more that he hasn't had to deal with a teenager yet.  Other arguments have been about me being so less available than he is, he usually realizes pretty quickly that he is being unfair and me realizing that I get defensive because I can't always be the girlfriend I would like to be since I have 24-7 parenting responsibilities.

 

Being widowed has not translated into me not sweating the small stuff but it has lead me to look at the whole picture and not stay stuck in petty arguments. With DH I wouldn't always talk out what was bothering me and it would fester under the surface for too long.  Conflict is natural in a relationship, figuring out how to deal with it as a couple is key.

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