Guest TooSoon Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 OK, I know i have been moaning about my not getting promoted. But it is a big deal. It has a lot of prongs that are hard to explain. But getting the final letter confirming I will not be promoted has thrown me into a tailspin. Against such odds, I kept my research going. I get 90% excellent/very good approval ratings by my students and their comments are even better. I have taken 9 students to Europe for the first time to do research for the first time in their lives. This is not Harvard! (though I did get a research grant from Harvard). It is a big deal that they get to go abroad at no cost to them because I raise the funds. I don't want pity or the time I lost because my husband got sick and then died and left me with a kid to raise, I just want a chance to move forward. It is a miracle that I managed to keep my research moving forward and kept bringing students and kept my evaluations up. I'm just cut up that I have to keep fighting. Haven't I proven myself? I never stopped working. I never stopped caring about my students or my work. But still I got screwed. All of my friends got promoted and I am happy for them but I am not happy. I am weeping now because I am the only one who spent two years caring for a dying man and the last five and half for the child we agreed to raise together. I just want to say that I am angry. The work of my life wasn't worth anything to the administration at my university. My research project is a little too forward looking for a little state school. Thirteen years. Fuck. Now I am the boss of all of the people who are promoted and make much more than I do and now I am the chair of the department, ranked below them. And I want to resign right now. Sorry. I'm just heart broken. Everything I worked for. My god. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Part two: I think I am done with academia. I worked hard to get where I am but I don't have to do this for the rest of my life if I choose not to. I could take all of these life experiences and parlay them into something more meaningful like working with kids before their minds are too far gone or get a law degree or become a social worker or work for the diplomatic corps? My god I do not want to go back there. It is such a slap in the face to be the one not promoted after all I have done over all these years, after all I went through to get to get my degree and the brief window of stability we enjoyed when I got the tenure I worked so hard for. It is hard to accept that, really, I no longer care. It is done now. I have to work so I have to put in another year but then I need a plan because I failed at this, or I wont get the satisfaction of recognition for my contribution, and it has run its course and I'll need another plan. Again. Another plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiet Storm Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Ugh. I am so, so sorry. At least you know that you've helped your students along the way. Maybe now's not the right time to say it, but really, that's so important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I'm told myself I would not get upset if this happened, that I'd been through worse, but like Scott's death, I couldnt prepare for this. I will never look at my career the same way again. It is over. I'll always play a role in my research project but I'm going to get out of teaching for the state as soon as I can. I have a lot more to say but it would just inflame people here and its not what we are her to talk about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiet Storm Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Aren't we here to talk about our lives as widow/ers? Please feel free to PM me if you want. I feel your frustrations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Big hugs to you. You have every reason to be pissed off and hurt. Vent away then get to work figuring out what comes next. I am confident that you will put your passion into a new direction that will bring you more professional and personal satisfaction. So many changes are thrust upon us in our widowed life that it gets exhausting but professional change can be exciting and motivating, I'm in the middle of that now, and it feels good to take control of the changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Just echoing what Trying said. I am so sorry TooSoon, and vent away. What not all privileged people IRL realize is the tremendous additional effort it requires to get a promotion (hell, even go to work for some of us) amidst personal chaos. You have overcome great adversity and were and are still there for your students and delivering innovation that other universities and professional environments would kill for. The fact the administration cannot see it is mind-boggling and I can see the great insult managing people who are paid more (WTF). I imagine you are already working on a gradual exit plan--the situation would be untenable for me as well-in my sector there are rules about that salary situation that prevent it from transpiring. It's not right that you have to plan again and leave, but hopefully other great opportunities will arise where you can shine again and be appreciated. It's amazing to me how some widows here get kicked and kicked again by fate -it's effing unfair (yeah yeah, I know that life is not fair, we all do, it brought us here). Sending solidarity and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 TooSoon, After spending nearly 4 decades in academe and having witnessed the many negative changes that have occurred in the profession during this time, I am very glad that I will be retiring soon. And at this point, I would advise virtually no young person to enter such a career. Although my reasons are many, I won't go into them here. Having said that, when I have been discouraged in the past, I have often found that removing myself from the work environment for a while has improved my mood. It's amazing what spending the summer off campus can do. And if that is not sufficient, then if possible a sabbatical for a semester or year may do the trick. Something to consider before completely resigning. In any case, I hope the situation improves for you. --- WifeLess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I'm told myself I would not get upset if this happened, that I'd been through worse, but I'm so so sorry. I always feel like I'm so strong! I've been through something so hard and came out the other side! But then when upsetting things happen, I find I'm not the stone fortress I thought I was, at all. This is especially hard though, because we put so many years and so much of ourselves into our careers. It's such a huge part of our time and energy and mind and life. I wish I had awesome advice or you could come over and sit on my couch and yell and cry and hatch a plan. I'm thinking of you. You're awesome. They're so dumb. Big mistake. Big big mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I'm so sorry TS. I hope you can try and see this as the catalyst to move you into something else that you will be more passionate about and that you will be valued for your contributions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Hi everyone, thank you for the supporting words and much needed perspective. Wifeless, I am sure you can understand my disillusionment. My institution has lost sight of "who" it is and has lost its "heart" if you will. My colleague across the hall resigned this summer - I saw yesterday he was awarded tenure and a promotion to associate this week. There are going to be more and more such resignations if the climate doesn't change. What is such a shame is that I do love my students and involving them in my work, but the degree to which my work has been dismissed this year has been a real eye opener. In any case, I intend to do exactly what you suggest, "unplug" for the remainder of break and attempt to go back in the fall, take on this position as interim chair and try to shake it off. We are eligible to apply for sabbatical only once every 7 years (I was halfway through mine when Scott got sick). A whole year is half pay (which I cannot afford now) and if you take a year you must pay it back with a year before you can leave so while I am eligible to apply this year, I wouldn't get to take it for two more years and then add another on that.......four more years is unimaginable to me at the moment. The committee for promotion is this same this year as it was last so I don't at this point see the rationale in wasting my time reapplying but maybe I will change my mind in next month or so. Others are encouraging me to meet with the University President (2015-26 was his first year); that is not my style but I will think it over. Finally, it is true that my life is about to change in a major way and I have been, on some level, mentally preparing to leave. It is confusing to be in this flux right now. Must go back for the year but also know it could be temporary; it hard to know just where to invest my energies. In the meantime, I will continue looking and applying and trying to come up with a clever "Brexit"-like name for my own exit strategy. Work is so important to me. It was ingrained in us by our parents from very early, and work has been and continues to be a huge part of my identity. It isn't and never has been just a paycheck. And since the academic trajectory is such a long one, it has been a crushing feeling to get so close to that final step and not get there - after all my little family has been through - well, it just impacted me more than I expected it would. Maybe I just need some time to recover and heal this latest wound. Thank you again, all of you, for being so supportive as I slog through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 TS, I can only imagine how deflating this must be. Even when you KNOW they are wrong, it's still demoralizing. I am not in academia as you know, but the museum world and non-profit work in general has me pretty disillusioned these days. There is just so much hypocrisy and bullshit. I've put in 8 years; that means I have to put in two more to get half my student loans forgiven. And my problem is, I don't really know what else I would do; I have a very specialized set of skills. I know you have the ability to take your skills and ambitions elsewhere to get the rewards and recognition you deserve; I'm just really sorry you're in a position where you have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I know you get it MrsD. I don't have to leave - I have tenure - but it is the feeling that there's nothing left for me here any longer and then the prolonged insult of this promotion process. I'm over it. I'm not sure your skill set is so specific. We should talk it over sometime. As I've branched out into the "not valid as research according to my stupid provincial school" (sorry, feeling extra snarky today) digital humanities, I have started to see many potential avenues to branch out. How to get there is another question but it is a discussion worth having, I think. Plus, I want to hear more about this student loan forgiveness. How do I get in on that? Thirteen years here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Here you go: https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/repay-loans/forgiveness-cancellation/public-service Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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