A very different first date

[imissdow]

This past weekend I took 2 of my 3 kids to inner harbor for the weekend. It was supposed to be just my 19yo and I but the 10yos plans got canceled and she came as well. We met up with a guy I've know thru work for the past 3 years. Really nice guy who was thrilled to spend the day with us tour some museums and grab lunch at a favorite restaurant.  The girls and I planned the whole day. The girls really liked him and we had a ton of fun together. We ended up spending more time with him on Sunday. He wanted to introduce me to his brother(the only family he has left) and showed me around his neighborhood.  So Sunday before we departed company we had a private conversation as the girls played at a park. Said he has liked me from the day we met. Talked about why I didn't date him several years ago when he first asked and when he actually "hit my radar" so to speak.  So we talked some about what we both want or don't want as the case may be. He's totally in to us being together long term. I'm not quite there yet but I enjoined him enough to want to see him more. By the way this trip was my doing. I told him I was coming down and he asked if he could "take us out for dinner or something." Something ended up being spending the whole day driving us around the city.  I'm headed to DC this weekend to pick my globe trotting kid up and am spending the weekend there. He has mentioned coming to join us for a day.

 

One could say that I shouldn't introduce guys to my girls early on. Generally I agree with that. However we have been friends for years and this was far from a typical dating situation. He lives about 2 hours from me. I drive down 45 minutes to a hospital that he drives over a hour to and that's were we met and talk several times a week. (Just for clarity neither of us work at this hospital, we're both vendors there)

 

My girls and I have talked about the fact that guys in my experience always seem to be ahead of women in committing. I found this true with my LH . My sister is dating a guy who was all in on date 2. She put the brakes on for a month or so but they are now a couple. I have other girl friends who have basically said the same thing. So I'm wondering how many dates/long was it before you knew you relationship was serious or more permanent in nature with either your late S.O. or your current new guy/gal?

[tybec]

So glad you had such a good time with this new man.  What an open conversation you had!  I, too, am curious about others' responses to long term commitment.  My NG and I have dated 5 months on Friday!!  He told me on the third face to face date he wouldn't be casual with me.  I didn't even know what that meant!  Then on the 7th face to face date, he told me he loved me.  We talk or text daily usually.  He talks about long term together.  I don't know what to think.  He is divorced, and it is nasty, and he has two younger kids, and then I have my one son.  That piece is crazy to me.  I am a kid therapist, and I would tell friends to be very cautious about all this, and yet here I am. 

 

My brother lost his wife in March 2013 to a long battle with cancer.  He married in May 2016 to his wife he met on line in Dec. 2015.  He is in his 60s, 16 yrs. older than me.  Just another experience close to me. I have a friend tell me not to follow any rules as they just don't work.  Live your life how you want, she tells me, as no one has walked this same path.  But given my career, I do consider the kids and all as I have seen the best and worst circumstances in my 21 yrs. of practice.  Best to you.  Open to others'  thoughts, too.

[robunknown]

As a guy. Contrary to popular belief I absolutely think men are more likely to talk being exclusive earlier in the relationship along with the "L" word. I'm in an exclusive relationship now where we both say we love each other.

 

 

For me I wanted to be exclusive after the second date (week 2), but I didn't tell her as I thought it was too needy of me. I waited until I thought she was dropping a lot of hints about being exclusive and I brought it up at about 7 weeks. Turns out she wasn't seeing anyone else and hadn't even crossed her mind, but she liked the idea.

[SemperFidelis]

This is an interesting subject. I am curious to follow it.

 

With my dead husband, I knew he was "the one" early on....like right away. For two years we were on for a few days and then off for months....he would say he was in, and then change his mind. But I think this was due to some major stressors in his life (ex wife of 8years bailed on him when he returned from Iraq, and then gf of two years cheated on him.... And not to mention his disabling combat ptsd).)so I get why he wasn't ready.....but boy did my heart hurt getting crushed like that over and over. But when he was ready, he was ready. It took three years and medication for him to tell me "I love you".

 

My ch2 had to wait on me. He has been extraordinarily patient with me. His desire for exclusivity was early, and mutual. Even though I was exclusive early on with him, I still wasn't sold on him for a multitude of reasons. And I actually really struggled with this....coming from a marriage where I knew immediately that I was IN for good....I felt like there was something wrong With me(or us) that I felt nothing for him and therefore couldn't commit in my mind.  But after about four months, the tide finally turned for me and I knew I wasn't going anywhere. It took this guy nine months to drop the "I love you".

 

 

 

 

[arneal]

Thanks for this topic as it is of interest to me as well.

 

First husband introduced me to family quite early and it freaked me out. I wasn't sure I liked him that much but I was young and went along to get along. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have run for the hills lol.

Anyway, second husband was different. He was persistent in wanting to date me but after an abusive marriage and being widowed at 30 I was in no rush. He was separated and we didn't introduce our children for a while. Eventually we knew we would be a 'thing' -- there was no conversation specifically but it grew organically.

Now here I am, widowed again and dating. I realize how impatient I've been and had a conversation with God this morning about not being particularly fond of the lessons about patience I am regularly being taught lol. In these few months (about three -- we had our first face to face meeting on Memorial Day), I've learned it's been a bit like fishing: I need to trust my bait, wait for the bite, and take it from there. I try to read the signals and act accordingly. We talk openly about our families and I think he is open to having me meet his daughter and granddaughter; on the 4th of July, we were going to a very large fireworks event and he asked if they could come, but as it turned out, it was too far for the short show and his daughter had made other plans. My son and stepdaughter are grown and don't live with me and I have no family here, so there's no one for him to meet that is close. But if they were here, I'd have no problem.

I agree with what others have said: there is no formula but it is important o be safe and sure of all the moves you make.

[twin_mom]

With ng, I knew after the second date, and I actually walked out of our third date and said I didn't want to see him anymore because mid-date I got freaked out by hiw much I liked him and how much we clicked. Luckily, he called me on the way home that night and we talked for hours, i think most of it incoherent babble on my part, probably, so here were are 2.5 years later, he would marry me tomorrow if I would agree (but he understands it's just not in my best financial interest to get married and now understand where I'm coming from).

With dh, I suspected early on, but was much more cautious.

 

So I think yeah, you can know pretty quick. And I think it's a great sign that you are having such open communication!!