Children

[MrsDan]

My boyfriend, N, and I have been together nine months. I have a DD, four years old, his DD is one year old. His relationship with her mother ended soon after she became pregnant, so he has also been a single parent for her whole life.

 

My daughter was conceived via IVF, a procedure I now believe was made necessary by my husband's drinking; they never found any issues with me. I have four frozen embryos, which are still en storage. I told N about them soon after we started becoming serious. When Dan first died, I tabled any decision making about them. I told myself I wouldn't make any decisions about them for two years.  Two years went by, and I still hadn't decided. There were a few issues in play 1. How would Dan feel about me carrying one to term, could I handle another child logistically/financially on my own, and 3., would it be fair to the child? I quickly determined Dan would be okay with whatever I decided. As  time went on however,  I began to realize, I really can't take on the responsibility for another on my own; I know a lot of people here have that responsibility, but it's a very different thing to take it on deliberately. And watching my daughter negotiate life without a dad, I began to feel that trying to have a baby with one of the embryos was not the right choice for me. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, I just began to come to the decision that I couldn't do it.

 

Most of these deliberations took place before I even considered dating, so that wasn't a factor. Because of this, I had come to view it in a very binary way; I'd either have a baby with one of the embryos, or I wouldn't have one at all. By the time I started seeing my boyfriend, I had pretty much reached the decision, that I wouldn't try to conceive with one of the embryos (although they are still in storage). I have been mourning that specific loss, without thinking too much about whether this is it for me as far as having children.

 

Things are going well with N and I, we are integrating our lives bit by bit. There have been a lot of issues with his DD involving parenting time and legal custody, and trying to get that stabilized while growing a career and building a relationship with me, those are his main areas of focus. However, I'm wondering if we should have a conversation regarding where we each stand with having more children. Because lately, I've been feeling like maybe I could see having another. I'm doing better with other people pregnancies; my SIL is pregnant, and that news didn't sting as much  as it might have earlier. But, there's still a twinge. I always expected DD to have a sibling, or at least a  chance at one. Of course I always envisioned I'd be raising her with her dad too, but...

 

Anyway, it's not a deal breaker for me. I love my boyfriend, and I see a future with him regardless. But if that future does not include more children, I guess I'd like to know if I should finish closing the door on it emotionally. Another thing is I will be 40 in a couple months, and he will be 35. Technically there's still time, though not a whole lot.

 

So I guess I'm wondering, for those who felt the need, when did you bring this up? Did it freak your partner out? I don't want to scare him off, but it seems like something that should be discussed. I'm just not sure when the appropriate time would be.

[Trying]

I'm 47 so it is not something that really needed to be discussed but one of us, I don't remember who, did bring it up early on just to be sure.  If it's not a deal breaker than I think you should bring it up in that manner.  I don't think it will freak him out if you talk about it the way you did here.

[azjane]

I don't post often (almost 8 years out) but wanted to ask you why your daughter wouldn't have N's daughter as a sibling? Hope I'm not offending you but thought I'd ask

[daysofelijah]

BF brought up if I wanted to have more kids in the first couple weeks of us dating. But that's because he for sure can't have anymore, and he wanted to be open about that before we got too close. I'm 40 and had 4 (more than I wanted, but dh wanted more) so I am more than done.

 

It's probably something you could bring up at this point. I think it wouldn't hurt to see where he is on the idea of having more kids. I'm surprised it hasn't come up already.

[twin_mom]

Another vote for bringing it up sooner rather than later- it's not a deal breaker for you, but it's good to know if it's a deal breaker for him.

 

NG and I talked about it pretty early on- within the first couple months- because having a child is a big decision and finding out you're not on the same page is not something you want to happen after you've invested a huge amount of yourself, imo....

[MrsDan]

I don't post often (almost 8 years out) but wanted to ask you why your daughter wouldn't have N's daughter as a sibling? Hope I'm not offending you but thought I'd ask

 

Not offending me at all. You know, I think I've been holding the thought of that type of full integration at arm's length, because I'm not sure it's realistic. It's not that I'm opposed to that notion, more like I just didn't want to get my hopes up. It also seems a little unbalanced, because my DD does not have her dad, but N's DD has a mother. So it's hard for me to envision a blended family scenario, and what's more, scary to hope for something that may not happen. But last night N and I had a really good conversation about our relationship and significantly, our relationships with each other's kids. He said something that really caught me off guard, in a very good way. We also talked about the possibility of more children, and the benefits and pitfalls of that. I feel like we're on the same page.

[Mizpah]

I feel like, "at our age," it's totally normal to talk about this very early on. 

[azjane]

Wonderful news.