Shutting out the world.

[Hermit]

Hi all, I'm thinking it's time I better reach out, something seems wrong with me, and I'm hoping for some feedback, clarity, or maybe even someone who knows what I mean - or direction maybe? Yikes. I don't want to bore you with a super long story. I lost my husband 5 years ago this month - I was married to him at a young age, 22 years and 2 kids later - he was my world. Time is supposed to heal us right, we keep going, we go through all the stages of grief, we move along, people expect you to move along! - I even took that step and got into a new relationship and now I live with him! My problem is this... I'm starting to notice a pattern and it's getting worse. I am getting rid of everyone in my life (aside from my kids and BF), I have bailed on all my social activities, I turn down any new ones or people who try to make friends with me, I've ditched any social internet sites like Facebook etc... Basically I have slowly just crept away to become a hermit/loner. Top it off I feel like I still haven't fallen in love with the man I am with although I adore him to pieces, it's a constant argument or guilt maybe in my mind. I've come to the conclusion I can't lose again -  I don't wanna get close to anyone anymore! I have tucked away all my emotions, I was a mess after he passed, but I had to pull myself together for the kids, I had to move on - but I think I'm drowning because I didn't deal properly. In fact when I had seen a counsellor when my husband passed and adding in all the other events of sadness that went on over a few years she actually said to me, "Wow, I'm surprised you did not turn to drugs, alcohol or any other form of abuse". I stood as strong and dutiful as I could. But now I feel stuck.....

 

I lost my Mom last year, and since then I just haven't bounced back... so last October I started cutting everyone out, unless they call me, no-one would know if I dropped off the face of this earth lol cause I'm out of sight, out of mind. If I possibly staved off depression in all those years, it just feels like it's all piling up on me now. I thought I was doing so good with letting go, being strong and moving on - but more and more thoughts are creeping back in like, I miss him, I wish I could see him, I want to talk to him etc.. It's unhealthy and like hurdling backwards full speed with the brake lines cut! I am so mad at myself. I don't want to do this all over again. In all this time I have been proactive to help myself, or had the drive to move forward, work things out - now I feel utterly-totally-disgustingly burned out, with zero motivation. I'm so lost. What's going on with me?, I just don't understand, and what can I do to correct this before it gets more out of control? I am thinking of looking for a widows support group in my area maybe or counselling again -sigh, which didn't really help. It feels like I need to start over... I just don't know how to this time. I read so many stories about women regaining their lives again, I thought I was.. this is becoming a major setback Has anyone relapsed like this for an extended period of time? or feared to get close again? I'm so sorry, I'm new here and I just blurted this all out, sigh. Bless you guys for even just reading. Feels like taboo just being a widow too.

 

[Bunny]

Hello Hermit. Welcome. You know, I was just talking to myself about this the other day... how small my world is now. And, at this point, much of it is my own doing. I just don't have the desire or energy to be as social as I was before widowhood. Granted, my husband had a billion friends/acquaintances so that made it easy. And two of my closest have moved very far away recently. But I know there are plenty of people who would love to see me if I made the effort...and therein lies the rub. If I don't make the effort, it likely won't happen. As the childless friend with an erratic work schedule, I was used to working around everyone else's schedules. But now, well, I'm pretty low energy in that direction most of the time.

 

I'm a bit over four years out and I also have a boyfriend. We spend A LOT of time together. We probably socialize more with his friends, though he can be just as big of a loner as myself so we can easily go weeks in our own little cocoon- gardening, cooking, watching movies...I know this is what some relationships look like anyway, but not any of mine- so this is new to me. I'm trying to just observe without judgment, but there is a tiny voice in the back of my mind warning about putting all my eggs into one basket...

 

Sometimes I look at my bf and think- am I really doing this?! Yup, guess I am. I absolutely adore him. But I wonder why I am more interested in having a boyfriend than a husband when other widowed seem to take the plunge so easily. We already speak in lifelong plans, so what gives? Why do I cling to this tiny bit of autonomy that single-hood represents for me?

 

A constant feeling in widowhood for me has been exhaustion, whether it be mental or physical. It no longer is debilitating, but it has never completely gone away, just seems to find new ways to manifest itself. I've been thinking about therapy myself, without taking any major steps in that direction. im just not sure I want to go there anymore, but I'm definitely feeling kinda 'stuck' in some ways I can't quite put into words yet.

 

So there's my own rambling for you! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

[Hermit]

Hi Bunny, thanks so very much for sharing a part of your story and feelings... it's more helpful than you may think - to feel like I'm not totally alone. I can't write as eloquently as you can, but your descriptions are so similar to my own. My husband sounds the same as yours was in terms of a plethora of friends. The house was always busy! And funny enough, my BF is completely opposite, and the things you describe of yours is the same for mine.. he has no problems enjoying home-life. Obviously in the state I am in right now, this works well for me, I don't feel pressured to entertain, or go out all the time. I have also had some very close friends move far away too.. we try to keep in touch but even now that has declined as well, which is all my own doing.

 

All I know is this isn't me, I can't even see my 5 year plan. But if it resembles who I am right now - oh lord help me. I hope these feelings dissipate, and I know I need to seek some sort of help or even a group maybe of people who have also lost the loves of their lives. So this was my soft-start, a forum. Losing my Mom hit me hard, and harder that I didn't have my best friend helping me through it.... it's then this all began and I just went downhill from there. The immense sense of loss hit me twice when she passed, I lost her - and it was a sharp painful reminder I didn't have him to lean on. All my hard work to focus on moving forward just vanished.

 

And you are right, it has been exhausting to be in widowhood. It was a long and bumpy road after the fact, but I had a good break there for a while as life started to look doable without him... and now I'm right back where I started internally almost. Thank you so much for sharing your own inner thoughts, it really means a lot.

 

 

[Trying]

Another loner here piping in.  When DH was alive we entertained friends constantly, he was definitely more outgoing than I was but I enjoyed our full social life.  My circle has really shrunk and I very rarely initiate anything with friends and have turned down so many offers that I don't get many anymore.  My BF is also happy to hang out with just me or with his kids, my kids,  so there is no push from his side.  There are times that I think "what if he dies too?" and now I don't have much of a support system left in place.  I've been saying for a while that I need to nurture a few old friendships and maybe cultivate some new ones yet I haven't found the energy to do so.  I admire people who seem to do it with ease.

[Mrskro]

Another loner here.  I'm not as far out, just coming up on 2 years.  My DH was the life of the party, always arranging events, parties, he made sure we had an active social life.  My circle has considerable shrunk.  Some of it was me, I don't need acquaintances, a lot of our friends I just didn't have that much in common with.  We live in a smaller town and all of our friends here went to high school together.  I got really tired of dealing high school drama in my 40's so stepped away.  Unfortunately, the "mean girl" is the one I stepped away from and honestly the rest are afraid to cross her, so our contact is minimal.  I'm busy and tired and don't have a lot of energy to put into a big social life.  Its funny, my DH's best friend, that I wasn't all that keen on is now a huge part of our lives, probably more now. 

 

I lost my dad at the beginning of the year, and it really set me back.  I'm not sure if it's unhealthy or not but I need to talk to my DH too. 

 

I don't have any experience with the boyfriend part, as I've been unable to let anyone get that close to begin with. 

 

I know I need to get out and try and cultivate some relationships but it just seems like too much work.

[Bunny]

I am remembering something a friend said to me in my early days of widowhood. She was talking about the day her mother died. She was there, had been keeping vigil for days, and afterwards she went home to her husband for some much needed solace. She looked at me and realized the person I needed to comfort me most now was permanently absent from my life- it was a moment of realization about the differences in grief.

 

So. Yeah. You had to lose her without his comfort. That must have been so hard. It's understandable if you feel the need to take a step back from life to lick your wounds in peace. Perhaps grieving your mother requires more isolation for you than grieving your husband did? We think we know grief, but each loss is unque, yes? And losing the person who has been your number one constant nurturer since birth is a Very Big Thing.

 

...perhaps you are subconsciously trying to remove your heart from any perceived future losses by cutting people out of your life? I mention this because of what you said about your boyfriend. I remember after a friend of ours completed suicide two years before my husband died, it was so painful for me that I told my husband I was through making friends, I'd deal with the ones I had, but no more extra potential pain! Well, I didn't keep to that plan as the pain slowly softened. And perhaps you, too, will be willing to venture out into the world again as the pain of losing your mom begins to soften with time.

 

I am wondering if, in addition to joining a widow group, you might also look into a group for bereaved adults who've lost a parent? it might help to give you some clarity for what you are experiencing now.

 

 

[Hermit]

Oh ladies, thank you for sharing your stories, my heart goes out to you guys. Funny how our husbands were the ones who were our social butterflies. I used to be that person - crazy, when I met him he was the one that said, "geez, you know everyone!" lol I guess back then motherhood tamed my social cravings down a lot, and being he carried that part so well - I just simply stepped aside and enjoyed the colorful personalities he brought into our lives. Albeit it was tiring sometimes. Though after his passing I still tried to at least maintain relationships with those I felt close to. Now - I'm just numb.

 

@Trying, I've had the same thoughts as you, infact almost the same. I've kept this bubble around me so much now, what if something happens - I don't have much of a support system left either.

 

@Mrskro, so sorry you lost your Dad recently *big hugs*

 

@Bunny, wonderful insightful words again -thank you so much, and maybe you're totally right. I didn't think of it so profoundly that I may be dealing with her passing completely differently? I was also there with her when she left us, and it is something I am having trouble with as well. Perhaps as you suggested, a bereavement group is something I need to seek out too. It all seems like so much tho! I am usually quite strong, I feel so silly that I feel so off, and I'm unable to fix whatever is going on by myself! I hate bugging people too with my problems. I am a grown woman afterall. sigh...... You know, speaking about parents, I remember something that was said to me when I lost my husband; my father-in-law said, I can't even imagine your loss, not only was he your husband, but also he was like a father to you. I didn't understand him (I had a Dad - he was an amazing man), but he further said, well, it's like he raised you since you were a teen - that's a long time. I kinda wish he never said that because he was so right in a way. So yes, losing her and not having him to help me move on, has been so hard. I lost my Dad when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, so he was there during that time to push me forward. I am usually a very positive thinker, and I believe everything has a way of working out, I stop and smell the roses, and take in the beauty of everything that surrounds us. I believe in this - I have to. I appreciate every little thing I have and for the people who do love me, and are still here with me. So this road block has been a major downer, I am a downer.

 

So ladies here are a couple of things I am going to start first, now this is a bit late in the summer unfortunately.. but on a whim I went out and got myself an old motorhome, which I plan to just go and find new scenery, youngest in tow. I have wanted to just get away, but I couldn't get myself to move. Now I have no choice. I bought the beast, and I can't just let it sit right? I will be doing this alone with my youngest, so I'm scared of course. He took care of any trailers or MH's that we had in the past, I don't know a thing. With BF working out of town, this just works out great for Mother/daughter time. 2nd, I've decided to reach out to my church, it's been a really-really long time shamefully, but something about going every Sunday, might help as a small step to talking to new people. I hope if I can complete a couple things; I can reach out to the widows group I found in my area, they meet for coffee, lunch or sometimes activities - that sorta felt like too much in my face right now, so I will see how I am after a little vacation and church. Also after reading your suggestion Bunny, I will look into a bereavement group as well.

 

I'm so-so sorry I rambled Your thoughts and stories have really touched my heart and left me feeling not so alone.