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Lost high school friend to suicide this week

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And my FB newsfeed has been blowing up about it.


Everyone now acts like he was their special BFF and suddenly everyone is on the prevention bandwagon

If I read one more "Stay up all night and talk and be there for your friend it could save a life" I will scream.


I was friends with him...but haven't spoken in 25 years...same with everyone else...but yet these "friends" are now experts on preventing suicide.


I have kept my mouth shut. Everyone in town in attending the funeral...Yea we had over 600 at Bens...most I never saw again...many I had no clue who they were. It was like a fucking reunion for some people. Only about 40 people from the funeral kept contact with us and were there for my kids.


And I keep seeing "How hard" this is on people in the community....

But no mention about helping his parents, wife and kids. This is about them....Not about people who are now practically strangers...just because you had Biology class with him 30 years ago doesn't mean you are now especially close best friends.


Sorry....just been really striking a nerve with me...and I can't say it publicly anywhere else but here.

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I hear ya Sugarbell.


This always strikes a nerve with me too. I see memes and messages like 'please offer the suicide hotline number' and 'Suicide is 100% preventable,' that one really makes me feel like crap. And man do we know its just not that simple. Pretty sure the deceased knows there are suicide hotlines and emergency services. I see the same shit too, people come out of the woodwork to go to the funeral and act all supportive... then vanish. My husband was well known in our community and I saw hundreds of people that day. For many of them, right after that it was like me and his kids died right alongside of him.


I get it. I don't know why people think some post on social media or acting like they care about something for a week will make any difference at all. Ever. I see people ignore the family as well and act like the loss is more traumatic for them personally. We HAD great friends that pledged to be there to help raise my kids. They came over one time after he died, and then said it was too painful for them to come to our house when he wasn't there anymore. Unbelievable, they put their discomfort above the children they made promises to, but they post all the time on facebook how much they miss him and what a shining light he was.


I keep my mouth shut too. But, I have changed. I love the people I love, my kids and my closest friends, and nothing keeps from spending time with them and telling them how much they mean to me. That's what I learned from living that social media shitshow. This life and love is all we get, I do my life with actual meaning.

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Sorry for the loss of your friend, however distant.


Only the naive believe that to prevent someone's suicide all that is needed is to stay up and talk with them for a night. In my experience, willingness to do that every night for 6 months or longer is a much more accurate description of what is required. That worked for the first two of my wife's major depressive episodes. But even that was not enough for her third. In 2009, after several psychiatric hospitalizations, after an array of psychiatric medications, and of course, after several hundred long days and endless nights of staying up and talking with her, she nevertheless finally succeeded in ending her life. I often envy the naive.


--- WifeLess



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Unfortunately most are very naive...Even the "prevention " people who have done this for years.


While I do agree with youth...programs..especially with targeting bullying/cyber stuff..can help...youths brains aren't fully developed...and they can make fatal impulsive decisions.


Adults??? No...this isn't something you can "phone a friend" and it will suddenly go away.


I so desperately wanted to write "You all have no idea what survivors go through...weeks, months, years before the completed suicide...how many attempts they have stopped....what they have gone through before the final act. And why so many are just numb and fatigue when it finally happens.


I think at least once a year...these band aid people after a suicide do this crap. Usually last a few weeks month at the most.


And they all are blabbing how they are now survivors...


They have no fucking clue the aftermath trauma the real Survivors (family) will go through in the months and years to come.

I just find it naive and yet insulting and disrespectful.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I've been lurking on here for a bit... husband took his life just 3 months ago (feels like forever and yesterday at the same time). Anyways, this post really spoke to me. I don't think people who aren't actually directly dealing with a death such as this really get it. I was super pissed about this the other day, and have taken to writing down my thoughts. This is what I wrote:


"I get so frustrated when people say “reach out to a veteran” or “a reminder to call your loved ones and tell them that you love them,” as if your death would have been prevented by some random person calling you and being like, “U ok bro?” It’s so patronizing. It makes everyone who deeply loved you feel like shit. Like, if we would have told you that we loved you just one more time than normal that day, you would have been cured. It’s like if someone died from cancer and someone said, “make sure to take an organic cold pressed juice to a cancer patient.” It might make said cancer patient feel better for a little bit, but it wouldn’t cure them. You knew how loved you were. I know you did. And you loved those who loved you just as hard. But I also know that you weren’t thinking rationally, your reality was warped, and in those moments the good things in your life weren’t even close to being on your radar."


Anyways, I think of you all every day, even though I don't know you personally. Maybe I will start posting more  :)

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While I don’t disagree with you JC29, I think there is more than one way to think about the advice to reach out to those whom we know are struggling. I’ll limit my comments to one small slice of the population that is suffering from suicidal thoughts – veterans. I served for years as a mental health care provider for Navy and Marine Corps servicemen and their dependents. One of the most common items that contributes to suicidal thoughts/actions for vets was the discovery that very, very few back in the world had any inkling of what it was to be a combat vet. Many feel there is no one at home that is like them nor could anyone at home possible understand them after their experiences. As one can imagine, this can lead to feelings of isolation, displacement or depression and compounds it if the patient is already depressed.


Knowing this is true for vets, I try to say ‘hello’ to everyone or wave to strangers. Who knows what is going on in their lives? If I happen to reach one, just one, and they can hang on for one more day, is that such a bad thing? No, the sufferer is not cured by my actions but perhaps if enough days pass that they can hold on, a cure will be available to them for whatever ails them.  A call could provide the same contact that might, and I stress, might, help.


It’s a possibility I am willing to hope for.


Btw, my late wife was always going to kill herself. I knew it, she knew, hell, everyone around us knew it. All the treatments in the world did not, and could not, save her.


But I wave anyway.


Best wishes - Mike


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Definitely wasn't saying you shouldn't be nice to people. I say hi to people in passing, too. It's the emptiness of posting something like "reach out to a veteran" or "tell your loved ones you love them" on Facebook and the way that makes survivors feel: i.e. that they didn't reach out enough / do enough to help / didn't love the deceased enough. It indirectly places blame and results in guilt. FWIW - my husband's death was a complete and utter 100% shock to absolutely everyone. Some people are really good at hiding the extent of their suffering.

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