I hate this life. What's the use in going on.

[LTSLforever]

Too many firsts - it's almost one year

October 28 - Steve's birthday

October 31 Laurie and Steve get "married" (exchanged rings) in his hospital bed

October 31 evening - Steve is transferred  to hospice

November 6 - lost my love and I died with him.

 

If Steve could hold me one more time, if I could hold him one more time, if I could hear his voice, if I could see him, if we could be together again.............

 

If I could just see more light than I see darkness.

[beth_krkswidow]

I'm so sorry.  Hugs

5 months and I absolutely have no reason to go on. Not helpful,  but I agree. I hate this life. What's the use in going on?

[Julester3]

You are coming to an end of the year of firsts. I hated getting past our wedding anniversary. It hurt so bad. Hugs for you this week as you get through and re-live it.

[Frederick]

I still have this feeling three years out.

 

That may sound discouraging. But...I'm still here three years out.

 

So make of it what you will.

[Adley]

It sucks- bad. Nothing is funny anymore. We've all lost big parts of our identity, maybe the biggest parts. We've learned firsthand that no matter how good something is, our partnerships, marriages, loves, and lives will come to an end. I myself am burnt out and bone-tired. I don't know what we're here for, but maybe (cliche i know) its to help other people, directly or indirectly. I've

learned for sure that it can always get worse, I've been observing that amazing phenomena for over three years. But physics tells us, and I know it as sure as I'm breathing, that it can always get better. We're in the desert and don't know for sure where the water is, but its gonna be good when we find it. 

[beth_krkswidow]

I don't know that it "helps" to know others feel the same way,  but it's good to know I'm not crazy for not wanting to go on. I'm so sick of people telling me I have so much to live fo. NO I DO NOT. I have no reason to go on.  None. Zero. My reason for living is gone.

[serpico]

I don't know that it "helps" to know others feel the same way,  but it's good to know I'm not crazy for not wanting to go on. I'm so sick of people telling me I have so much to live fo. NO I DO NOT. I have no reason to go on.  None. Zero. My reason for living is gone.

 

This is distressing to hear, and I hope you can understand the love that comes from those people telling you how much you have to live for.  Please know that many people believe this, even if you can't see it right now.

[Bunny]

I don't know that it "helps" to know others feel the same way,  but it's good to know I'm not crazy for not wanting to go on. I'm so sick of people telling me I have so much to live fo. NO I DO NOT. I have no reason to go on.  None. Zero. My reason for living is gone.

 

I felt this way for a long time. I struggled to find reasons for staying here, to keep waking up each day- and I settled on my parents and my pets (I'm childless). And I totally resented all of them for needing me to be here for them, because it was never for me that I kept going on each day...until it was. That didn't mean I was suddenly okay- just that I started doing little things to engage with the world again. I did these things even though they brought me no joy, no sense of accomplishment. I just kept doing them any way. And eventually they got easier to do, and eventually some of them even brought me happiness. but it took a long time. I never thought anything in my life could ever be beautiful again. And I was okay with that. Healing takes as long as it takes. Just keep hanging on. Eventually you learn to navigate this parallel universe you've been thrown into. You will never see the world the same way again- but eventually you understand that's not always a bad thing.

 

I'm so sorry.