mekender Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 First posted the other day, wife of 12 years passed away at 41 on Halloween weekend from a sudden stroke... Wife's best friend let me know yesterday that she had found out she had a 4 day weekend so I told her to get up here with her and her 3 kids... She and her kids have been like family to me and my family... So close that when she had a house fire 2 months back, my wife and I immediately told her to get in the car and come up to stay until her house was fixed... When my wife had her stroke 4 weeks ago, I had to tell her at least a dozen times that day not to come up, not to disrupt her life that much, that there was nothing she could do. Well, today I asked my wife's cousin about either me and my kids only stopping in for a little bit during Thanksgiving or just doing at my house instead... Less than 20 minutes later my mother in law emailed me wanting me to call her... Ten minutes later I was on the phone getting cussed out by my father in law including the gem of "Are you really that horny?", my mother in law telling me that a judge would not look kindly on my job history over the last 10+ years (IT contractor, I have had 6 jobs end without notice in the last 5 years), how bad it was that I went out with friends for 5 hours on Sunday while my 17 year old watched the kids and put them to bed, etc... I have been boiling for 3 hours now... I am more mad at my in-laws than I have ever been at anyone in my entire life... If my extended family was not 10 hours away, I would be on my way there now... The only thing running through my head right now is "how dare you!" Course, I also realize that this could be the first volley in a much more complicated war that they may be about to start... So I have kept my mouth shut and not called or emailed exactly what I am thinking... But it seems like I am still expected to go be a family on Thursday... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Ok - I get it but since there is already enough assholishness running rampant, try not to contribute to it. First off, you don't have to answer to anyone. We each needed to do what we needed to do to get through the first few days/weeks. But, consider how it looks to the ILs. Yes, they have it completely wrong but they just lost their child unexpectedly and also are hurt, confused, grieving and at a loss as to how this whole mess came to be. Expect them to be unreasonable. Maybe just back off a bit and try not to engage them. You won't be able to talk them off the ledge on this one. They already have a ton of anger built up - based on a false premise but, it's what they believe. They may cool off in a day or two and apologize. I hope. I don't know what to tell you about Thanksgiving. If you've heard nothing by then, maybe a call to them and ask if you are welcome. If not, don't go. Who want's that shitstorm anyway? Oh, and a judge doesn't give a shit about who you are sleeping with (or not!!) if you are a single man. And sadly, you are. Play the long game here as best you can so this doesn't turn into a few years worth of battles for custody. (They would have to show you as a unfit parent for them to make any traction anyway.) Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Oh I am trying really, really hard to just not call or email... I totally get my father in law flipping out after thinking that I was trying to move some chick in a month after my wife died... He calmed down a lot after I explained it was only for 4 days... But my mother in law mentioning a judge tells me that the idea of taking legal action is already in her mind... And that is beyond the pale... I am not going to engage them on this if I can help it but any way this sorts out, I think that Thanksgiving dinner at my wife's cousin's house is a bad idea... If I had more than 2 days to plan it, I would be going to my dad's place, but planning a trip to 4 states away with 4 kids takes a bit more time to plan than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Idk all the details, of course. But I'd take a step back from getting involved with this new woman so fast. It is your life, but jumping into inviting the woman to stay with you for thanksgiving a month after your wife has passes is going to look bad to everyone around you, not just the in-laws. I get you maybe don't care at this point, but think of how it will reflect on your kids and how they see what your relationship with their mother meant. Slow it down and take some time to grieve. Just my opinion. I'm sorry for your loss and trouble with the in-laws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Idk all the details, of course. But I'd take a step back from getting involved with this new woman so fast. It is your life, but jumping into inviting the woman to stay with you for thanksgiving a month after your wife has passes is going to look bad to everyone around you, not just the in-laws. I get you maybe don't care at this point, but think of how it will reflect on your kids and how they see what your relationship with their mother meant. Slow it down and take some time to grieve. Just my opinion. I'm sorry for your loss and trouble with the in-laws. That is the thing, this is not a woman that I would in any way be getting involved with... She is someone my kids refer to as "aunt"... She was best friends with my wife since they were both about 14 years old, her and her kids have come and stayed with us for the last 3 years during the 4th of July week... They were already planning to come up at some point this holiday season before my wife died. She was coming up to help me decorate the house for Christmas, to help me get some stuff sorted out that was my wife's and to help me get some stuff that I don't need any more listed on eBay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I thought you had mentioned having inappropriate thoughts and conversations with her in your other post. Or was that someone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 I thought you had mentioned having inappropriate thoughts and conversations with her in your other post. Or was that someone else? We have had some moments where discussions strayed into areas that would probably not be suitable for family audiences, but nothing overt and it is certainly nothing that either of us would act on... My life is a big enough train wreck right now without adding her train wreck to it, and hers is a doozy to be sure... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Okay I stand by what I said then. Keep this woman at arm's length. It's all about appearances right now to your wife's family, and to the appearances of the in-laws it's inappropriate. It sucks being a single parent to four kids. Believe me I know. Them giving you shit for leaving your kids with your 17 yo to go out is not right, but if they're already watching you this closely, be careful. I highly doubt they could legally do anything, but they can make your life miserable trying. (I leave my 13.5 year old in charge a couple times a week so I can go spend time with BF, so no judgement from me on that point.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Holy moses! My 17 year old is in charge when I need to go out and get a breather and I may go overnight someplace, usually just nearby to scrapbook really. I can easily get back home in a pinch and they have phone access to me all night long. The kids are secure and safe and smart! I hate this older generation over ours who think our kids cannot possibly be self sufficient and responsible. I am so mad at them for judging you. Yes, I recommend stepping back from them and taking a break. I too have a difficult MIL and step-FIL to deal with so I know how it can be trying at times. Hold fast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrskro Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 What a mess! Let me start with wow I didn't get the memo that my 16 year old wasn't allowed to watch my son, so I could go out. Good for you for taking time for you and going out with your friends! It's easy to let our lives revolve around our kids and forget to take time for ourselves. My MIL and FIL passed away shortly before my husband so I don't have any experience with that but I agree with Mike. They are hurting and unfortunately seem to have turned that hurt against you. I am so sorry for that. They have no right to judge! I'm not sure why people assume because we are widowed, that we turn into horny teenagers incapable of controlling ourselves around the opposite sex. My husband's bestfriend spends every holiday here while his wife goes home to her family (they live 16 hours aways and have 6 kids between them and can't afford everyone to go, custody etc). Hell, he spends at least one night a week here watching whatever game is on that night because well 6 kids and his wife hates sports. I do think you need to take a deep breathe and leave well enough alone with the in-laws. They are so angry and telling them how you feel, unfortunately won't achieve anything. I am absolutely appalled that your MIL would even mention a judge! I would suggest talking to her cousin and see if you can't arrange a "drop in visit". Maybe before dinner, let the kids see everyone but not have to stay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill1972 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 I feel for you mekender, keep in mind that a lot of people are involved, and some even believe they are impacted to the same degree as you are. Hopefully everyone can stay positive with what they think and say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Hi there, I'm really sorry this is happening. Is your friend coming up with her kids after all? I found that surrounding myself with friends and hunkering down was the best way to weather the holidays and milestones. Sometimes I just put my daughter in the car and went somewhere just the two of us. I hope your friend can come sit with you, be there for you and with you. In any case, I'm with Mike. Play the long game with the in-laws. My family in law started out extremely hostile, irrational and it was ALL directed at me; 4 years later I can still feel it just under the surface. Over time though (I kept my distance without shutting the door), it morphed into what I can only call a delicate peace. It was important to my husband that his father remain close to our daughter. I committed to that and that alone. They are still nuts and bitter, angry and resentful and think the world owes them something for their suffering and they still hate me and wish it had been me. I can't change that. But over time, we found a way to maintain that delicate compromise. They see my daughter; I keep my distance. But it took time. I also want to say, keep going out with your friends! It is so important. I needed down time a lot early on, just to be alone but over time I took it too far and isolated myself too much and that made things more confusing in the end. If you have that outlet, try to keep it going! We leave my 9 year old with Andy's 18 year old at least twice a week because otherwise we never get to just be grownups. Nothing AT ALL wrong with that. It's not like you flew to Argentina or something. Sheesh. Wishing you - all of you - peace. This time of year is hard for myriad reasons. Sending support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 Wanted to give an update... It took me more than 24 hours before I could calm down enough to get my thoughts put down on paper and sent to my in-laws... I wrote them a very strongly worded 4.5 page email that was not nice, I was not insulting or demeaning but I was stern and unambiguous about the whole thing and what I felt was completely out of bounds and unacceptable. The general summary of the whole thing was that I am an adult, and as such I am allowed to have friends over even stay the night, that the kids are my kids and as such decisions as to raising them or who can and cannot be around them are mine to make, and that I was not in any way asking for permission for my friend and her kids to come up for the weekend. I closed by saying that I would not bring it up after this and that I considered the matter closed so there was no need for discussion at the dinner. Thanksgiving dinner went off without a hitch, not a word was said about it by either side and it was actually one of the better family gatherings we had been to over the years. Friend delayed coming up till Thursday night and we had a damn good 3 days here... Both of us being able to heal and her and her children helping get Christmas decorations put up and tasks done around the house that were much needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skitwin Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 My out-laws stopped speaking to me the day after my husbands death. I called, wrote, but was clearly not welcome. That was 8 years ago. So easy and fun for them to judge me. Somehow my husband's death was my fault. So, whatever. It hurt, but I don't need people like that in my life. Live your life, and hang up the next time someone feels like venting on the widower. Shame on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now