How to be alone?

[Dannette]

In the last 4 years i lost my sister, my mother, my disabled brother who was living with me, then my husband on june 6th. We been together for 23 years. I don't know how to be alone. I am scared my house is so empty. I have a reoccurring nightmare that I run home to tell my husband something good that happened to me but I cannot find him, then I look for my mother etc then realize I am all alone again.  The best part of life is sharing it with someone without that what do we have and how do we enjoy anything?

[Trying]

Danette I am so sorry to hear about all of the losses you have experienced in such a short time, that is more than anyone should have to bear.  I agree that the best part of life is sharing it with others and while we can never replace the people we lost we need to make new connections or strengthen old ones to help take the edge off of the loneliness.  At over 3 years out I have a new love to share things with but I isolated myself from so many friends in my grief and don't know how to fix those connections.  Feeling connected to people is so important, I hope you have that or find it.

[Julester3]

I am sorry! You have had a rough last few years. It is hard. I agree that sharing the adventure of life with that someone special is what ultimately made it worth while. It's lonely without that connection and I too struggle. I have siblings but they have their own lives. It's not my way to burden others. I sit here and try to figure it out. I lost my parents years ago but they were sick so it was easier to let them go. I have my girls but as teenagers they are pulling away and claiming their independence. I see a long lonely road ahead of me with no one to hold my hand or an empty space I will have to settle to talking to. I have friends but still it's not as fulfilling like a partner. I figure I can learn to be content with my siblings, my kids and my friends in small doses.

 

I make my daily goals simple and that helps me move forward. I also don't make long term plans because it's overwhelming. I keep busy even if it's just to keep my mind occupied.

 

Hugs and give yourself time. You don't have to figure things out until you are ready.

[WifeLess]

Dannette,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

 

Before her death, my wife and I were together for nearly 28 years, and we never had children. She was my best friend and nearly only friend who lived nearby. So beginning immediately after she died, I felt pretty much totally alone in the universe. I previously described my first year of widowhood this way:

 

 

I know what ALONE really means.

 

I spent nearly every night for more than a year completely ALONE in my home with no other living being's presence. No children since I have none; no parents since they're long gone; no siblings or old friends since they live hundreds of miles away and I haven't seen them in many months, perhaps years; no pets since I don't have any. And during that entire year, I stayed overnight with no one, and no one stayed with me.

 

For most of that time, I received perhaps 2 or 3 personal phone calls per week. Not per day, per week. About that many emails/texts as well. Almost no conversation ever took place here, and no voices were ever heard, not even from the radio or TV since I had no interest in turning them on. Though my head was filled with many thoughts about life, death, my wife, loss, grief, etc., as well as about everyday events, big and small, those thoughts seldom needed to be formulated into words and voiced since no one would ever hear them.

 

So I spent virtually every evening for more than a year completely ALONE in my home and in its total unrelenting silence. And long after the loneliness passed since I got used to it, this ALONENESS continued. Finally, after about 13 months, for the first time a widowed friend stayed a few nights at my place.

 

I now know what ALONE really means.

 

But the good news is that I did eventually return to the land of the living, gradually forming many new friendships, mostly with fellow widows and widowers. Fortunately, my life has changed greatly since those early lonely days.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

--- WifeLess

[beth_krkswidow]

Dannette, I am so sorry. So sorry.  Warm hugs, warm hugs.

[mbanyard]

Hello Danette,

 

Boy does your post speak to me!

 

I have lost my father, my mother, one sister, one brother, and now my husband.  I had never lived alone in my life, having left my parents home to live with my husband.

 

I have no major wisdom to give you, other then to say that what has made this easier for me is to make some changes in my home that makes it MY space rather than OUR space, and to them spend time in this space allowing myself to learn about what it is that I want, what I need, what these tragedies have taught me and how they have shaped my path going forward.

 

There is no easy way, but it's a journey we all must take, in our own time, and at our own pace. Give yourself permission to adjust at your own rate, and tell yourself it is ok that it's difficult.

 

Many kind thought coming your way!

MB

[Dannette]

Thank you all so much, it truly helps knowing that other people have gone through or going through the same feelings. I some how feel not so alone after all.

[Laura1612]

I'm so sorry Danette. I have not lost as many, but I lost my dad in 2014 and my husband five weeks ago.

 

I was out on my own from college until I moved in with my husband at age 33, so I have experience. I used to do it very well and was happy about it. Now it sucks. I have a big lonely house. I can't get the dishes done. I haven't unpacked from a trip a week ago. I'm only five weeks out so I'm trying to cut myself a break.

 

Motivation is ZERO. But I'm trying, too. I hope to figure it out again. My dog helps a lot. HE's there to greet me when I get home for work. I have tons of friends and I am reaching out. Of course, that doesn't help when  I still have the house alone at night!