Is this normal?

[mbanyard]

Hello Everybody,

 

Christmas is in 5 days and I feel...nothing. This entire week so far has been this odd kind of limbo, where I know it's the first MAJOR holiday without my DH, but where I cannot motivate myself to do anything....and I mean anything. (My house is a mess and I have SO MUCH to do for my business year end that it's a little frightening).

 

I had thought I'd cry the entire holiday season, so this weird neutral has got me a little freaked out. (Doesn't help that NOBODY, not friend, nor family, has bothered with me much at all....so I'm alone and freaked out )

 

 

Anybody else feel this their first holiday?

 

Thanks for your input,

MB

[beth_krkswidow]

Exactly.  Exactly

 

Certainly not helpful, but you're describing me exactly

[MR]

This is exact me. I don't have energy to do anything unless it is related to kids where I don't have an option.

[WifeLess]

mbanyard,

 

I recall my first Holiday Season after becoming widowed 4 months earlier. My plan was to merely endure, rather than celebrate it. For the first time in years, I put up no decorations and sent no Christmas cards. When January 2 arrived, I considered all of it finally over. And I had survived. Somehow.

 

--- WifeLess

[Mizpah]

I decided to respond with a resonant, "YES!!!!," before even reading your post, and stand by that now that I have read your post.  My widow friends and I from my same timeline (around 5-6 years), often use the hashtag #TotallyNormal in our messages with each other.  It started sarcastically, but for good reason.  The strangest feelings (or lack thereof) become normal in an abnormal situation. 

 

Is it normal to feel nothing?  Yes.  Is it normal to feel something, then nothing again, then some things, then all the things, and/or also nothing?  Yes.  It's not you, but the situation that is messed up. 

 

My first couple years, on holidays, I didn't join family (it hurt them a bit but they understood).  I went to the gym and to the movies and took long walks.  I opted out.  Many would say, "fake it til you make it," but it wasn't for me.  And now I've re-engaged with life, on my timeline, on my terms, and I'm glad I made the decisions I did (not that that is for everyone). 

[Dannette]

I feel the same way you do. I don't hear from friends at all and I lost most of my family in the last 4 years. I don't even have the energy to eat anymore. I haven't even been able to go back to work since my husband passed. I am just focusing on 1 day at a time and skipping the holidays this year.

 

So I guess I am saying you are not alone.

 

Hang in there I hear it does get easier.

 

Dannette

[beth_krkswidow]

We'll just skip the holidays and meet back here in January

[Julester3]

One strong concept I have heard throughout our counseling sessions as we approached the holiday season and with talking to other widows/widowers real time: make it your own. Do what you feel is best and put yourself first. I struggled with this concept because I am and have always been a family centric person who'd always sacrifice my own wants and desires for the sake of family and tradition. Our whole holiday this year I've planned to be on our terms and we modified tradition to suit what we are comfortable with and to what my girls and I need. It feels liberating so far and it got us through Thanksgiving. I am confident it'll get us through the rest of the month.

[Adventureland]

I haven't baked cookies, sent cards, or really much of anything this year. Just can't do it.

[beth_krkswidow]

Nope, can't do any of it.  Especially cards... and sign just my name?  Can't do it.

[Julester3]

Can I say I don't like the holiday cards this year? I used to love to do cards but seeing other people with their newsletters and pictures and their "2016 was awesome!" It all turns me off. I am just placing them by a basket in the kitchen. I am not doing cards at all this year.

[Lolligagger1983]

This is my first holiday with out my partner. I haven't celebrated anything since his passing. My birthday was only two weeks after his passing and then his birthday was really rough. Thanksgiving was not the same. The numbness I felt in the first three months of his passing has now turned to hurt and sadness. My family wants me to go to holiday events and I don't want to!!! I think what you're feeling is normal. Everyone grieves differently. Some days I'm okay and drift through the day without thinking about him or that my life is forever changed and other I have flashbacks and cry. I don't know how long this is supposed to take but for me it's been almost six months. However I do have to say each day does get easier and though not everyday is happy each day the hurt is less even if just a teeny tiny bit. Life goes on and some days you just have to put your big girl panties on take a shower brush your teeth clean your house and live. As hard as it is you can do it!

 

So to answer you I think what you're feeling is "normal". That's just my opinion. I hope me sharing my grieving has helped you realize you're not alone.

[mbanyard]

Thank you. I won't say it's nice to know that others are in the same boat as I am, but I will say it's comforting.

 

I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that people truly do not understand. For example, a very old friend messaged me today that another friend's daughter is in my city and stuck at the airport. I don't know this child at all, nor do I really know the mother, but I have been informed that I am expected to not only pick her up at the airport if she doesn't get out on standby this afternoon, but that I am to also house her tonight (I do not have a spare bed in my house) and feed her.

 

This is all after I told them, once again, that I am a wreck as Christmas is in 2 days and I am alone.

 

Why can people just not be respectful? I am in no shape to have to both taxi, and to accommodate a complete stranger.

 

I need to go to the "f" you thread me thinks....Lord.

 

MB