Just introducing myself.

[Indira]

My name is Indira and my situation here is unique. I was married to my husband for 10 years, together for about 14. We have two sons, 11 and 7, and we were separated at the time of his death. We planned on divorcing but never got around to it, he had a girlfriend already and I also have a boyfriend. As a matter of fact, I am 8 months pregnant. The boys and him stayed in the house, I moved out. The boys came to stay with me on weekends and sometimes during the week, we didn't have a visiting schedule or anything like that, if the kids wanted to be with me they did.

 

On Tuesday December 6th, I received a call from a police officer saying that my husband was found dead at home. My first reaction was shock, then I thought about the kids, where were my kids? They were safe, in the home with the police. My 7 year old had gotten up to use the bathroom and found his dad on the side of the bed on the floor with his cpap mask on. He tried to wake him and tell him he was on the floor, to get on the bed, but dad didn't respond. He went and woke up my 11 year old and he went and tried to wake up dad also. When he couldn't he went to the neighbors house but they didn't answer the door. He went across the street and knocked also, but no answer either, he then was going to the next door when the previous neighbor came out. My son explained dad was on the floor and not waking up, so they went into the house and tried cpr and called the paramedics. The paramedics and police arrived and couldn't resuscitate him.

 

If there was one thing I could change it would be that my kids not find their dad dead. I cry because I think of my 11 year old's desperation when neighbors wouldn't open the door when he needed help. There is so much regret on my part, I know I should have been there to find him and not them kids. I wish I had told him how good of a father he was, and how I really appreciated that. I wish I had not left him with all the responsibility of the kids and the house, I really think I stressed him out.

 

Like I said before, my situation is so unique, I now have moved into the house he lived in with the kids, my boyfriend is there also. I know people are looking at me and thinking "how could  she move a guy in that quickly?" but its what's working for us. I have made sure that the boys voice their opinion on the changes we are making.

 

Does anyone have small kids also? How did they cope with the death of a parent? My 11 year old just doesn't cry at all. He cried at the funeral but that was it. He sees me crying and doesn't say anything. My 7 year old cries at night and asks why dad had to die. He tells me he wants to go with dad or wants dad to come back.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Hi Indira, I am sorry for the loss of your husband.  I really feel for your sons as well, that is traumatizing.  There is quite a lot about parenting under the Widowed Parents section of these boards.  My child is about the same age as yours and while I am not actually sure if it is making a big difference, grief counselling is to be preferred. The boys' school should be able to help out- I would reach out to them for the services of the school psychologist.  Local bereaved families groups may also help your sons feel less isolated, and there are also summer camps in some parts of the US and Canada for grieving kids.  Hold them close.  All the best.

[Indira]

Thank you for your kind words Canadiangirl. I am looking into counseling for both the boys, they seem to be doing ok I think.

[MACC]

I am so sorry for your loss. My kids were 6 and 4 when their dad passed. They are 9 and 7 now. My eldest son didn't show much emotion around me either and to be honest still doesn't. I think it's because he is afraid it would upset me and he didn't want to see me cry. My daughter who was younger was more open and talked to me about how she was feeling. I recall one of them saying they wish they could fly so they could see their dad in heaven. Broke my heart.I found that my son needed more counseling to have that outlet since he was unable to open up with me.. We all have our unique situations and we all grieve uniquely. I think it is the same for our kids.

Sending hugs your way.

[MR]

Hi Indira,

I am so sorry for you loss which led you to this group. My kids were not of similar age but 18 year old boy and 14 year old girl. My boy cried most on the day of death and little on funeral. My daughter didn't cry much after funeral. Seeing this I stopped crying in front of them as I was crying whole time during funeral and that might have made them think them crying will make me more weak. Your kids might be going thru similar emotions. Also kids seems to get mature faster now-a-days. God bless you.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[libster093]

Hi Indira,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your children's loss and the challenging situation you are in now. My older son was with me and helped the paramedics by showing them where to go and telling how we found his father, etc. on that night. I wish too that he had not been there. My younger boy didn't see his father until the service. Neither of mine have cried very much either, I just keep reminding them that they feel how they feel and it is not wrong to feel one way when others feel differently. Both of them were seeing therapists before this happened, and have continued to do so. I think it has helped them.

My thoughts are with you.

L

[Indira]

Thank you so much for your replies. I have found a grief group that will counsel them.

 

I wish things were different, I keep asking myself why this happened. Why?