So Very Confused...

[georgina114]

I feel so very confused at the moment... I feel like running away but I don't know where to go or, really,... what to do... I lost my husband Brian on the 21st of this month.  It was just 3 weeks ago that we learned that he had pancreatic cancer, stage 4.  He was healthy as a horse, no symptoms, nothing.  We thought it was just gastric acid problem... It was so late when we got the diagnosis that the doctors did not even suggest chemo because the cancer has affected all his other organs.  He underwent 2 operations just after diagnosis but it was just palliative.  I thought I was prepared when the doctor said he would not last long.  Brian and I even talked about it and he made clear his wishes... We (me, him and our dog) flew from the UK to the Philippines to try and see if it would be a great place to retire.  But instead we got this devastating news.  The doctors advised against flying him back to the UK because it was very advanced.  He died in a foreign land.  I am here and I do have family in this country and he said, as soon as he is able, he will travel by land to make sure he takes me and our dog, Chester, to my family so I will have support and after that he will let go... I thought it was just a joke.  But 2 days after travelling and taking me back to my family, he passed away.  I am still in so much shock.  He didn't want the Filipino wake, embalming, etc, and he made clear he wanted to be cremated on the same day.  So when he died in the morning, he was cremated in the afternoon.  7 days on and everything is hitting me so badly.  I thought I was ok.  I consoled myself with the fact that he is now in a better place without pain and illness and that at least he did not suffer much... But what about me and my doggie?  Although I am surrounded by my immediate family, I feel so very alone.  I miss him so much...  Much more as the days pass.  I don't want to go out because Filipino community is very tactless when it comes to grieving and pain.  They ask all sorts of inappropriate questions and I am not ready for it.  I tried yesterday just to have a walk with my doggie but the neighbours were so insensitive (asking me questions like how much did I spend in the hospital, how much was the funeral and how much money did he leave me with stupid grins on their faces as if I've hit the jackpot, unbelievable!) that I don't think I could go out again.  I hate it here, but I'm not sure where else I can go or if I can make it on my own especially since I am bipolar and Brian was the only person who understood my illness (mental illness is still a taboo subject here in the Philippines).  I just need to hear from people who understand me.  My friends are mostly in their 30s like me and have no idea what I'm going through so I do not want to see any of them.  When I'm gripped with my depression (low mood swing) all I can think of is following Brian... to be where he is.  I know he loves me and he understood me.  No one here does.  :'( 

 

I don't know if the clip is allowed but I'm posting it here because it's full of our happy memories.  It makes me cry everytime I see it... I was such a wonderful man... https://vimeo.com/196731567

[Julester3]

Georgina, so sorry for your loss. I come from a Filipino family and though we have been In America for a long time, I understand the quirks of the culture. People in general can be as tactless as some Filipinos, I've experienced it. People have a insatiable curiosity so good sense goes out the window.

 

Just take it a day at a time. Hugs!

[Wheelerswife]

Georgina,

 

I am so glad you have all of those pictures of you and your love.  It is so difficult to lose our spouses.  My husbands and I did not have children and we spent so much time together - just two of us.  In the first weeks and months, it is very difficult to figure out how to keep living without them.  All the other people around us can't take the place of the one who knew us so well and loved us so deeply.

 

My first husband died after an illness and I was actually very prepared for him to die.  But...I was not prepared for him to actually be dead!  I remained fully present for him and his well-being while he was declining and dying.  I wanted him to know that he was loved and I worked to make his death as free of fear as I could.  Then I went home...alone...and it hit me.  He was gone.

 

It takes time for us to process death and grief.  We have all been where you are now.  Try to just breathe.  Cry when you need to cry, drink water, try to sleep and eat.  It will be some time before you don't feel his absence in every waking moment.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

I thought I was prepared

----------------------

7 days on and everything is hitting me so badly.  I thought I was ok.  I consoled myself with the fact that he is now in a better place without pain and illness and that at least he did not suffer much... But what about me and my doggie?  Although I am surrounded by my immediate family, I feel so very alone.  I miss him so much...  Much more as the days pass.

 

I'm so sorry.  It is very very early on.  Be patient with yourself - even/especially when your world/surroundings are not.  It's not something anyone can truly be prepared for, and certainly not within three weeks.  I don't even remember much from the first 3-4 months.  Losing our partner is so all-consuming: we suffer for their suffering, we suffer for their loss of life, we suffer because our whole world and all our plans are gone, we suffer because the one person we need to help us get through this is the one person that is so completely, so suddenly non-existent.  It is so painful and so shocking and so incomprehensible.  Our minds and bodies and hearts need time.  We all have walked or are walking this path and understand.  I hope that at least brings you comfort.  I am thinking of you and wishing you moments of comfort and solace. 

[Laura1612]

Hi Georgina,

 

I'm so sorry you are joining us. I am two months out, and the people here all understand what you are going through. This early, you can only breathe and cry and grieve and survive. That's all I did.

 

Now I breathe, cry, grieve and survive, but I also eat and go to work and spend time with friends. Once or twice I genuinely smile. We are all different though. I hope that you keep living and taking one step at a time.

 

Laura

[georgina114]

Georgina, so sorry for your loss. I come from a Filipino family and though we have been In America for a long time, I understand the quirks of the culture. People in general can be as tactless as some Filipinos, I've experienced it. People have a insatiable curiosity so good sense goes out the window.

 

Just take it a day at a time. Hugs!

 

Thank you Julester3... I've been living out of this country for 15 years (I left right after Brian and I got married) so I am n longer used to the callousness of the people.  It hurts and makes me angry but I have to restrain myself because if I complain or tell other Filipinos, most of them would not really get my point.  I am just trying to let each day pass.  It is getting more difficult, especially since a very strong typhoon just hit our place here, and although our property and most of my family and friends are safe, there is still no electricity.  It's been like this since Christmas... I am literally grieving in the dark (except when the generator's on which is not often)... Ugh!

[georgina114]

Georgina,

 

I am so glad you have all of those pictures of you and your love.  It is so difficult to lose our spouses.  My husbands and I did not have children and we spent so much time together - just two of us.  In the first weeks and months, it is very difficult to figure out how to keep living without them.  All the other people around us can't take the place of the one who knew us so well and loved us so deeply.

 

My first husband died after an illness and I was actually very prepared for him to die.  But...I was not prepared for him to actually be dead!  I remained fully present for him and his well-being while he was declining and dying.  I wanted him to know that he was loved and I worked to make his death as free of fear as I could.  Then I went home...alone...and it hit me.  He was gone.

 

It takes time for us to process death and grief.  We have all been where you are now.  Try to just breathe.  Cry when you need to cry, drink water, try to sleep and eat.  It will be some time before you don't feel his absence in every waking moment.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

 

Thank you Maureen.  I am sorry to hear about your husbands too.  I can't imagine going through this twice over.  I don't even know if I can get over this one time.  You are a brave and admirable woman.  You're right, I feel his absence all the time now... much more than before... It's only been 8 days (He died on the 21st) and it is still very fresh.  If it gets much worse I don't know how I will handle it.  I feel so alone despite the people around me.  I'm like an odd man out.  I want to go away because I hate being stared at for having swollen eyes from crying.  I don't know what they are all thinking because no one says a thing.  I guess they think ignoring my grief would be the best thing so I can't blame them.  So I walk around people who just gets on with everything, jokes with each other all the time, while I feel like a walking zombie with swollen, red eyes all the time.  Sometimes I just want to be alone and live with just my doggie as company but I'm not sure I will be able to cope with my bipolar disorder.  It used to be just me, brian and chester (our dog) and it all fits together.  Brian understands my quirks and my illness and he knows how to handle me.  Now I am surrounded by people who thinks mental illness is just a made up thing and talking about grief and someone you lost is taboo... Thank you for listening to my blabs here though.  It somehow helps to unload... thank you all

[georgina114]

 

I'm so sorry.  It is very very early on.  Be patient with yourself - even/especially when your world/surroundings are not.  It's not something anyone can truly be prepared for, and certainly not within three weeks.  I don't even remember much from the first 3-4 months.  Losing our partner is so all-consuming: we suffer for their suffering, we suffer for their loss of life, we suffer because our whole world and all our plans are gone, we suffer because the one person we need to help us get through this is the one person that is so completely, so suddenly non-existent.  It is so painful and so shocking and so incomprehensible.  Our minds and bodies and hearts need time.  We all have walked or are walking this path and understand.  I hope that at least brings you comfort.  I am thinking of you and wishing you moments of comfort and solace.

 

Those are exactly what I need, comfort and solace... Thank you all for listening to me.  It helps ease the burden a little bit, knowing that someone understands and that I am not alone in this path.  My husband died on the 21st so it's only been 8 days... I am sorry to hear about your husband too.  I can't imagine going through this for months.  I wish there is a shortcut way.  At the moment I always feel like the very best thing would be to follow him/be where he is.  But my baby dog still needs me and he is keeping me going.  Not the people around me but my baby doggie... He is my source of strength and sanity in this crazy world I suddenly find myself in.  Thank you for walking with me in this path.  I really appreciate it.

[georgina114]

Hi Georgina,

 

I'm so sorry you are joining us. I am two months out, and the people here all understand what you are going through. This early, you can only breathe and cry and grieve and survive. That's all I did.

 

Now I breathe, cry, grieve and survive, but I also eat and go to work and spend time with friends. Once or twice I genuinely smile. We are all different though. I hope that you keep living and taking one step at a time.

 

Laura

 

Thank you Laura.  Yes feels like I'm just swimming and swimming without reaching shore.  Like at some point I will just let myself sink and give up.  It hurts so much... so much more each day.  I am sorry for your loss too and thank you for understanding me... xxx