Online dating newbie - help?

[RyanAmysMom]

Can I ask a very frank question that really demonstrates my naivete?  (and insecurity...)

 

I'm in two conversations online with men who seem to be quite handsome.....  both claim to be widowers....

which I find to be a plus - maybe I won't have to explain why I'm hesitant to start dating....

 

Do men really actually like women with a little meat on them?  'Cuz I totally thought I wouldn't be attractive to some of the men that I am chatting with......  I mean - I'm at the top of the plus-size range....

So guys.... Are you interested in heavier girls?  Or am I being "played" here?  Please be honest...

 

And.....  is it safe/reasonable to give out a personal cell number? 

[momtokam]

SunshineFL has offered excellent advice. Please follow it.

 

Sadly, handsome widowers are now a red flag for me. Most of my scammers have used this MO. Especially with some kind of engineer or gemologist profession, and working overseas. If they  give you their email and phone number and ask you to go off site too early, that is another red flag.

 

If it is a scam, please remember, it's not you. We have all had scam attempts and been targeted. It's a very normal part of on line dating. They must think widows are more vunerable but we need to show them we are not!

 

That is why I mess with them quite often! If I waste some of their time, it's less time they have to go after someone else.

 

I will only give out my cell number after a few messages on line to rule out if they are scammers or crazy or married etc. If I'm still hesitant I will ask for their number and call them with my number blocked. If the call is comfortable, I will text them after so they have my number. You can Google your own cell number and see what comes up. Make sure no identifIable info comes up.

I also Google different parts of what I do I give out to see what comes up. My first name, and some other seemingly benign info brings up more info than I would like, so I am careful with what info I give out initially.

 

As far as looks go, everyone has different preferences. You have already proven you can have a loving relationship with someone. You can have that again. Don't ever think differently. Confidence in yourself is one of the biggest attractions to many men. Be happy with yourself,  own it and flaunt it!

[Abitlost]

RyanAmysMom,

 

SF and MTK have given good advice. I will add to that, I learned in my online dating to research every single person I agreed to meet or converse with. A little Google research goes a long way. I would start by a simple copy/paste of small portions of their profile verbiage into Google with quotes around it; a lot of scammers rip off and/or post multiple profiles in different cities, sometimes with the same photos, sometimes not, but often with the same text. Then I would do a Google image search just to see if they are who they say they are; couple times these searches revealed they had lifted the images from news articles or other sites. I would also search a few terms, their phone number and/or information they had given me; I saved myself from meeting a couple married men this way. This applies to all the sites and apps -- free and paid -- but I found more scammers in the free sites. Even if you build a text/email/phone relationship with them, don't ever send money. And always meet in a public place with a friend knowing where you are.

 

All that said, there are wonderful people out there! Just be cautious!

 

abl

[arneal]

Yes to all of the above! I would add to check photos as well. If you use Chrome, right click on the photo and you can get a menu option to reverse search it. There is a website (https://ctrlq.org/google/images/) were you can upload a photo and it will do the same thing. As has been noted about verbiage, some of these creeps use stolen photos as well. The people are real but are not the ones who created the profile sometimes. Spend some time chatting on the site if possible -- also as said, get a sense for the person. Rushing off-site is sometimes a flag. If you decide to meet, do so in a safe place, preferably of your choosing. That way, you can set up your view spot to see whoever it is and can leave. Have a friend on post for you is also a good protection. That said, there are some good people out there and yes, there is someone for everyone. After meeting a creep who gave a lot of the scam lines and photo stuff discussed here, I found a great guy. We've been dating since the end of May 2016. Know that it can happen!

[klim]

Great advice peeps...not going to add to that.

 

but everybody has their preferences.....two personal stories related to size preference.

 

My Brother in law ...6'2" muscular build great looking  has been in 3 long term relationships in his life....all have been with plus sized women...definitely his preference.

 

Online dating story..my niece (25 yr old)... charming nice girl but very round figure......found someone on line that is not heavyset at all and if we're classifying looks seems handsome...

.

.so I guess don't jump to conclusions but be cautious

[RobFTC]

Hi @RyanAmysMom,

 

There's someone for everyone, and it seems like everyone has unique tastes.  Your laugh, your violet eyes, or any other of your characteristics could be an attractant.  If you attract attention, you attract attention.  I did find interest in me picked up fairly sharply when I lost weight, but was that actual appearance or the fact that I made a positive change?  I don't care, I'll take it :-)  Writing about recent positive stuff is a good thing, regardless.

 

I usually exchange a few messages and then suggest a very public place to meet, like a coffee shop, for an hour so that we can get a feel without wasting each others' time.  Some prefer to hear my voice first (which I enjoy - I think I give good phone), while some want to message more.  As long as I don't feel like I could be forming some kind of attachment with a phantom, I will let the woman steer here.  Guys can rush in like fools, and Not Being That Guy is a nice new thing for me.

 

Regarding phone contact, one thing I have sometimes done is give out my phone number and ask a skittish woman to call me for that first call, further inviting them to use the caller-ID-blocking prefix.  I also like the idea of a Google Voice number and an alternate e-mail address to give yourself a cushion.  match.com also has a virtual phone feature that seems good, too.  The best advice is probably to actively listen to your gut.  It may not be clear immediately, but it should get clearer.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[momtokam]

 

I really do hope that sharing our shared experiences can help pave the way smoother for others.

 

This was my intent when I started the online dating vents and laughs thread, what seems like ages ago.

 

I wish I had more info like this when I started out.

[ihs3]

Hi to all,

I am new to this site and finding it very helpful. To address RyanAmysMom, it will always serve you well to be cautious. I am fairly new to this online dating, it's been 2yrs4months since my husband's passing, and though I got online to "dabble" in the dating world after 1 year, which I clearly wasn't ready, I am still not very thrilled with the online dating at present. I am finding that I can't help but be super suspicious about the men online, and look into all aspects of their "presentation", such as what kinds of photos they chose to post, the profile description, the emails they send, etc. I would say that in today's world, it is super important and wise to be very careful. I don't give out my number unless I meet and want to see them again. I try to get a bit of information in a couple of emails beforehand. I have encountered many scenarios where men have reached out, and I knew in my gut that they were not the real deal. I have also had men wanting to converse with me offline before even meeting, and I say this is a red flag. I would get excited if a Widower would reach out, many of these men were super good looking with nicely written profiles, only to find that their profile was hidden the next day or next moment. My message is be careful, don't give out too much info too soon, meet in public place, maybe tell a friend your plans(though I don't always do this), and follow your gut instincts.  All the best to you as you navigate this strange new world of dating.

[bdean38]

 

 

Do men really actually like women with a little meat on them?  'Cuz I totally thought I wouldn't be attractive to some of the men that I am chatting with......  I mean - I'm at the top of the plus-size range....

So guys.... Are you interested in heavier girls?    Please be honest...

 

 

Absolutely! Be confident in yourself! If you're beautiful inside and out then a real man will see that. But yes proceed with caution as some up above have mentioned.

[Guest nonesuch]

It's okay to ask for a Linked In profile. (One date asked for mine before we met.)

 

Emailing or chatting off the dating site especially right away is a big red flag. 

 

I grew weary of men who ghosted. I kept reminding myself it's their shortcoming, not mine, but it's still frustrating.  If  I wasn't checking the dating site often, the site used an old profile of a man and fake a wink or a "Hello" to encourage me to spend more time online.  I learned to check to see when they were last online before spending time and energy crafting a witty reply.

[RyanAmysMom]

So, I finally "met" a man that was a friend of a friend, and was said to be a nice guy....  Have been chatting online, and hit it off....  And were planning to meet tonight.........  And then my youngest spiked a fever....  Right now I wish I wasn't such a good mom......  Maybe next weekend?  I sure hope he doesn't think I'm flaking.....

 

 

[momtokam]

If he is truly interested,  I hope he would understand.

 

Stuff happens, especially with winter colds, kids, and childcare issues.

I have had similar luck. We have talked on the phone a lot and have had video message virtual dates instead. It's pretty funny actually.

[arneal]

Exactly, momto, but I feel ya, RyanAmysMom -- NG has been sick all week; I thought we would see each other this weekend since I am going out of town, but he texted last night to say that he's been miserable. I was disappointed, even though I've been fighting a stress cold myself As one of my friends says, this whole dating thing is so junior high!

[Guest nonesuch]

So, I finally "met" a man that was a friend of a friend, and was said to be a nice guy....  Have been chatting online, and hit it off....  And were planning to meet tonight.........  And then my youngest spiked a fever....  Right now I wish I wasn't such a good mom......  Maybe next weekend?  I sure hope he doesn't think I'm flaking.....

 

In my experiences, it make sense if the one who canceled takes the initiative to set up the next meeting.  "Maybe another time" seems to be code for, "I've decided I'm not interested, and I'm trying to let you down easy."  If someone canceled on me, I learned to wait for him to make the next move.  Mostly, they ghosted.

[twin_mom]

So, I finally "met" a man that was a friend of a friend, and was said to be a nice guy....  Have been chatting online, and hit it off....  And were planning to meet tonight.........  And then my youngest spiked a fever....  Right now I wish I wasn't such a good mom......  Maybe next weekend?  I sure hope he doesn't think I'm flaking.....

 

My thought when something came up with my kids that impacted a meet/date early on- I have kids. They are a huge part of my life and dealing with that is part of the package; if a guy reacted poorly then I knew it wasn't going to work out long-term anyways.

 

For example: one guy I was chatting with was good. Our meet went well. Some time between our meet and our second date, while we were texting I said something like "we decided to not have real dinner tonight and just eat cereal on the couch" he jumped ALL over me, grilling me about who I was with?! I was like, "um... The short people I live with?" -though we had a second date, I knew at that point he wasn't the one for me.

 

Conversely, I was late to my meet with NG- I texted him that I was going to be about 5 minutes late, but it was closer to 15 by the time I got there. The first thing he said after introductions: "I'm sorry, I should have suggested 7:30 or 8 instead so you'd have more time to get home from work and see your kids before coming out". -i knew then that he got it.. not only did he recognize that I did indeed live with short people, but that their very existence was going to impact any relationship that I had.

[Forgottenwife]

This is one of the things I love about my Chapter 2. I too met men that were impatient that I had kids. One said my kids were spoiled because I didn't allow sleepovers with boyfriends. Nope, I stopped seeing him. I think these interactions let us know our compatibility.

 

When I was just dating my Chapter 2, he was loving and understanding and kind. Due to those short people I was raising, I had to cancel a couple of times on pretty short notice, and it was always lovingly received. He just always let me know I could call on him if I needed anything and to let him know when I was available again. My chapter 2 has since told me that he knew my kids had been through a lot with their father's death and one of the things he found attractive in me was that I was a good mom and looked out for my kids' best interests. Not really anything much sexier than that. Everyone has reasons they have to cancel or be late sometimes. If it is a regular habit, I can see it being an issue. But finding out if someone can quickly adjust without being a brat was very important to me, life doesn't always run exactly on schedule.