Struggling

[MrsDan]

I have been doing a lot better lately but I am really struggling this week. I guess I just wanted to tell people who understand it's still a struggle.

[Forgottenwife]

I do understand. We just plod along in our daily lives, and some days it really hits me. I'm glad I can come here. I get it. Take it easy on yourself.

[Trying]

I understand completely, hope the cloud passes and brighter days are ahead.

[TornApart]

(((MrsDan)))

Yes. I hear you.

[Guest TooSoon]

I understand.  It is still a struggle for me, too, sometimes.  Solidarity.  xx

[trying2breathe]

Solidarity - I get it.  Peace to you in the days ahead.

[iloveyoualways]

MrsDan, I'm almost six years out and am struggling now. We're not supposed to talk about it as we're supposed to have our shit together. It's tough being a young widowed mother. I'm thinking of you.

[MrsDan]

Thank you. I thought I was climbing out of it but I think that was an illusion.

 

Lately I've been wondering what kind of mother I would have been if Dan hadn't died. I think part of what I'm grieving is that relationship, that experience. Because I hate the mother I am now. I am crabby and tired and said and impatient. And yet, she still cries for me, still loves me so much.

 

We would have been married ten years this year. Instead he feels so far away, like a stranger.

 

I lost almost my entire family in the wake of his death. My boyfriend wanted to see some photos of me before we met so I sent him a picture me when I was little, and my sister, who was a teenager then was holding me. BF insisted on showing DD, and she asked who she (my sister) was. "Just someone I used to know." The remaining family member I still have a relationship[p with, I don't feel like we have much to talk about anymore.

 

I hate my job. I am constantly invalidated, which is completely demoralizing. I am completely disillusioned with my field, and yet I am not qualified for anything else.

 

I am in pretty much constant pain. A few years ago on the old board I posted about a doctor's visit in which the doctor attributed my pain to grief. It wasn't nearly as severe then. Now, I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I have shooting searing pain in my hips and legs all the time. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I don't think that is helping

 

I hate my life. And after all this time, when I wake up each day, I still cannot believe that he drank so much that his liver shut down and  that he hemorrhaged and died. I just can't believe that he died.

[Julester3]

Hugs Mrs.Dan. Seems to me you are re-assessing and reflecting on how things have been and it's negatively affecting you. I wish you some bit of peace today. Hugs!

[MrsDan]

You know Julester, I'm not sure what it is. There's no anniversary or significant date coming up. I am unhappy at work, and in a tremendous amount of physical pain. Maybe those two things are draining my reserves. I do recall in the early days really struggling more when I was extra tired. I spent part of my morning crying in my office. I don't feel like that's happened in a long time.

[canadiangirl]

Just writing to send hugs and solidarity.  I get it.  I meet all the criteria you mention, except the fibro. I am so sorry about that -constant pain must be extra exhausting.  Yours in crabbiness and exhaustedness and in constant invalidation.

[MikeR]

MD,

 

I haven't written here in quite a while. I was very active on YWBB for a number of years.

 

Constant pain has a way of changing your mood. I know - I had pretty bad back pain for a couple of years. Better now, but I remember how it affected me.

 

I'm a big believer in how what we eat affects our health (positively or negatively). For what it's worth, take a look at this:

 

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/03/07/could-your-muscle-pain-really-be-fibromyalgia-what-you-should-know.aspx

 

The suggestions can't hurt and they might help. And removing one thing (your pain) from your life might just help with the others.

 

When things got to me, one thing that kept me going was to remember that I wouldn't ALWAYS feel as I did right then.

 

Wishing you peace,

Mike R

[MrsDan]

Thank you. I have a few strategies I'm either working on or exploring for pain management. It's frustrating though, because finding time or money for some of those things (like acupuncture, which isn't covered by my insurance, eye roll) is tough.

 

Lately,  I think what I'm really grieving is my friendship with Dan. I miss my friend.

[twin_mom]

I hear you. Like you, I'm recoupled and he's great. But I'm grieving the relationship I used to have, I find myself again picking up the phone to call DH to tell him something, 4 years, 5 months, and 14 days out... It's like my brain suddenly thinks he's just moved away and I need to call him to fill him in on the kids lives, my life, to get his opinion on things.