Will my kids be okay?

[Jennica]

I would love to hear stories of how your kids are doing after years of being without the other parent. I guess I'm wanting to hear how they can still thrive. It has only been 5 months and I think my kids are doing fine but then they say something and it makes my heart break. We always talk about their dad and I've never wanted it to be a bad thing even if we all end up crying. We mostly laugh. My husband was the excitement, he was the center of our world. He was the fun one and of course I am the responsible one.  I have an 11 year old, a 9 year old, and a 15 month old (she was a surprise and truly a blessing especially now). I think I worry more about the middle child because he is a boy.

I'm just looking for inspiration, something to hold on to.

[Mrskro]

Jennica;

 

I'm more than happy to brag about my kids 

 

My DD was 14 and my son was 12 when my DH suddenly passed.  My husband was the fun one too, I'm an introvert so not big on lots of people.

 

We are 2 years out now and my kids are thriving.  My DD made the honour roll last years, all 90's    She's an introvert too, but has put herself out there, runs an anime club at her high school, organized the teachers to run a hockey team (they hadn't had one before), and had a party for her friends here over Christmas.  She's in grade 11 now and is planning where to go for University.    She works part-time, coaches a hockey team of 6 year olds with her brother and is a happy normal teen. 

 

My DS is the outgoing jock of the family, he's made an elite rugby team (heading to Vegas for an international tournament in a couple weeks), plays hockey, and football.  The sports are a kind of therapy for him, he broke his wrist in November and it's was tough on him not to be able to participate 100%.  He has a learning disability, in the same family as dyslexia, he's worked hard to overcome that and came home with all 90's his first semester in high school  He's/we've been really lucky to have a lot of fantastic men step up for him, coaches, father's of friends, other dad's of his teammates. 

[Portside]

I think it is safe to say most of us with children are/were more worried about the effects of the death of their parent on them than the effects on us.

 

With a little luck, our children will be okay and live the lives we hoped they would have.

 

I have four boys - two were adults and already out of the house when their mother passed. My two youngest were 9 and 10 at that time. Long story short - all is well with them. I did insist that they each go to a grief counselor for about a year after their mom's death. My wife took her own life by means of a GSW to the chest. She set up the situation such that my youngest was certain to discover her body. Naturally, both of them, but especially the youngest, were severely impacted. My youngest became mute for 3-4 months and would not leave my side. He reverted to exhibiting many behaviors of a toddler such as sticking his fingers under the bathroom door when I was in there. Stuff like that.

 

Eventually, he returned to his old self and, as the years went by, experienced all the normal emotions and ups and downs of teenaged high school life. Both of the kids are doing fine now and have grown into normally adjusted young men without a hint of the horrors of their adolescence.

 

They are 21 and 22 now - One in his final year of college and the other a missile technician on a Navy guided missile destroyer somewhere in the Pacific.

 

Try not to worry too much. Support them as they need it over the years and encourage them to be bold and make their own lives.

 

Best wishes - Mike 

[calimom]

First of all, Jennica, I'm so sorry for the loss that has brought you here. It sounds like you guys are holding up and that says a lot about you as a parent.

 

My family composition is a bit like yours: I have an older daughter, and young daughter bookending a son. They were, respectively. 14, 5 and 14 months when my husband was killed in a car accident 9 years ago. The eldest is actually my stepdaughter and I became her legal guardian after her father's death. She and my son had some tough times but we got through it. Family therapy with the teenager, and play therapy for the younger one helped a great deal. Resources are out there, it's OK to make use of them.

 

Today, they're doing great! My big girl got a full ride scholarship to a wonderful art school and is now living independently, working hard and having a good life. My son is a high school student and involved in lots of activities. The "baby" is a happy and healthy 10 year old. Losing their father at a young age is absolutely a large factor in their lives but it is not the end of their lives by a long shot.

 

Some of the best advice I ever received was - the kids are ok when mom (or dad) is ok. Which means it's good to talk about the missing parent, you can grieve, and it's also good for kids to see that you're moving ahead with life. If you fall into a pit of despair and anger about your situation and people around you (friends family), the children will be affected. Your new family configuration is not less then others around you; it's just now different. You're in a transitional phase. Keep those who love you close, even if they're not always perfect and say the right things at the right times. We're all human.

 

It's hard to be a single parent. Do things that recharge you for the enormous task you know face. Take care of yourself, love your kids, cut yourself some slack. They'll be ok. You'll be ok. I have always thought I needed my children as much as they needed me.

 

 

[Julester3]

The kids will be fine, if you are fine, generally. I find at 10 months out they are okay as long as I am calm and fine and keep my level headed cool. If I fall apart, they tend to feed off my emotions and fall apart too. We're all females here so I suppose it's a hormonal chain reaction, inadvertently. I think it's good to follow their lead and to be open. It's the only reason I think we are doing so well emotionally. We have other challenges (teenage stuff, etc) but they aren't related to losing their dad. They like seeing his clothes in the closet and his shoes in the mudroom so I left them there. They love to talk about him and recall funny, favorite stories. We aren't in a rush and I am thankful we have the ability to take our time.

[RyanAmysMom]

We're 19 months out - and I am finally starting to think that we'll all make it - My kids are now 16 and 13 - and they are going through some very "normal" teenage stuff that is amplified by their grief.  We have major milestones to come where Dad will be very noticeably "absent" but we'll deal with those as they come.

 

I think that at about 10 months I realized that my kids were going to be ok - When I heard them belly laughing together about something trivial - I felt so relieved to hear them laugh.....

 

Another person mentioned that "the kids will be ok if mom's ok..." but I have spent the better part of 19 months NOT being ok - and I've just had to explain to them that I miss Daddy and I miss my best friend - because I lost both - My son is to the point that now when he sees me crying, he just rolls his eyes.... which makes me smile...... and reassures me that he's ok... 

 

Hang in there - take care of yourself and take time to grieve - it takes a long time.....  but yes, your kids will be ok.  (I promise!)

[MR]

Hi Jennica,

I am also 5 months out and kids are doing fine. So yes please take care of yourself as then only you can take care of them.  I talked to  them about their mom sometimes in funny way and sometimes little serious way but they are getting use to it.

 

Thanks

Manoj

[Jennica]

Thank you all so much for sharing. To hear how your children are thriving and succeeding, and just enjoying life. That's what I want for my kids. I think about how much my children have lost in losing their dad and it just gives me so much pain. I still have both of my parents and it just makes me sad sad that now they just have me. I know I can't see it yet but I pray all the time that we can enjoy this life we have.

 

Thank you all again!! I am so happy I found this place. At time I feel so alone in this world and to come to a place like this gives me comfort.

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I am so sorry.

 

This also caused my greatest anxiety my first couple of years. All of my children (3 kids) were under age 5.

 

Now they are 14,12 and 9. They've thrived and excelled.Academics, socially, athletically, community wise.

 

They are my single greatest achievement element in life. We are very very close since it's just been me for the past 9 years.

[twin_mom]

Mine were 9 when he died, we're 4.5 years out and they're great, typical 14 year olds who will pat my back while rolling their eyes if they catch me crying these days.

 

You'll all come through this.

[Missmybecky]

When my wife died, my son was 5 and my daughter was 3, that was 4 years ago yesterday. We have certainly struggled during this time, but I have done my best to give my kids a happy and stable family. I have held down the same job, and stayed in the same house, despite an urge to run away from both. We are doing much better now and we have lots of fun. My son is in 4th grade and my daughter in 1st grade and they are very mature, intelligent kids and I couldn't be any prouder of them.

[MelGibbs]

Jennica thank you for posting this and everyone who replied. I have the same question! My husband passed suddenly on Friday and my kids and I are devastated. My daughter is 14 and her bio dad passed years ago. Eric and I had been married almost 9 years (next week) and he just formally adopted our daughter last month. Our son is 8. Yesterday I cried pretty much all day and there were friends and family around us. At one point I was curled up in a ball on my bed and my 8 year old came in and patted my back and told me everything will be OK. I am trying so hard to stay strong for them and also wondered if they will be ok. They are strong kids and I have faith we will get through this together somehow. Trying to keep things together for the kids!