His stuff, again

[cmf]

The past few weeks have been tough. I've been in the midst of moving into our new house with my new husband, and have been away from computers and without internet access for much of the time since the closure of YWBB was announced and now. I copied my first post from YWBB to post in the intro section here, but that was all I had time for in the midst of the chaos of the move. I am sad to have lost my history, and our collective wisdom. I didn't post much (at all, really) at YWBB any longer, but I did read almost daily, and have continued to do so here on my phone as time has allowed. So before I get to my particular issue/question, a huge thank you to everyone who had a part in getting this place started.

 

As I said I am in the midst of moving into our new house with my new husband. This is a long time coming. I sold my house 18 months ago (if anyone remembers), and much of my stuff has been in boxes for that time. But also all of V's things have been in boxes for that period as well. Things I couldn't imagine giving to charity or even shredding 18 months ago, I now wonder what to do with. I can't say that I want to unpack his clothes in my new house, or even keep boxes of his stuff in closets, but a huge massive purge also seems wrong. My new husband hung the pieces of his wife's clothing that he still has in our guest closet. It seems very strange to me to hang V's clothes next to L's clothes--a closet of dead people's clothing just doesn't seem right, and then their clothing is sharing a closet just as my clothing shares the closet with my new husband? 

 

I know the obvious answer is to just keep it in the storage box in the garage or closet or wherever, out of sight out of mind. And maybe that is the best solution. What seemed so important to me 18 months ago, just isn't any more, but I also don't know that I want to reopen the memories and unleash the emotions in the midst of this happy time of us finally being in our house.

 

Thoughts? 

 

 

 

 

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VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

[Guest look2thesky]

Discuss with your new husband ? Obvious you are both widowed. How does he feel about it ? Only you could make those tough decisions I think ?

 

I have a few things of Hers in the closet. And have had a few relationships since. I've kept only a few things, if someone had a problem with that I would be saddened and concerned.

[Wheelerswife]

When I moved out of the house I had with my first husband, I consolidated things that were "his".  I let go of a lot.  I also let go of a lot of my own property.  My second husband also let go of a lot...things that belonged to his late wife, things of his own.  We were moving toward a simpler lifestyle across the board.  I kept a few things belonging to my first husband in my office.  John had reminders of his late wife in his shop/office.  I moved into the house that they shared.  I came to integrate many things that were "theirs" into the mindframe that they were now "ours".  Since John died, much of the house has remained the same, but I feel freer to to let go of things that really aren't "mine."  Most of the things that belonged to Barry or Cheryl ended up stored in boxes and bins in the basement.  We both felt the need to hold onto things, but not necessarily to keep them in our living space.  Maybe it helps that the house is only about 800 square feet, not including basement space.  We pretty much put stuff away, occasionally in some private moments we ventured a peek at things, but for the most part, we lived in the present.

 

I'm not sure if this gives you any answers.

 

Maureen

[anniegirl]

It gets down really to what you want. If you don't want the stuff and don't want to go through it. Get rid of it.

 

If you can't get rid of it yet but have storage space, put it away and forget about it. Those boxes have a way of resurfacing all on their own. And then think and decide then.

 

We combined houses. Stuff. Some stuff we still use but over the years things have been given to adult kids, charity or thrown away. Not memories. Just stuff.

 

8 years remarried almost and there are still boxes downstairs. I couldn't even tell you what is in them. We are renovating and will need to clean the basement this spring/summer and much of what is left will go. Because it's just stuff. The memories are in my head/heart.

 

There's no hurry. If the clothes in the closet and the boxes in the basement aren't causing issues or pain. Leave them alone. You'll know when it's time to let them go in all likelihood. And if you never let them go, so what?

 

The way I see it, if I am not likely to be targeted for a hoarder intervention, I am doing good.

[cmf]

Discuss with your new husband ?

 

Ha... what a novel idea!  It is just stuff, and it needs to find a new home. Until then I think leaving it in boxes at my Dad's house is the path of least resistance.

 

 

 

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VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

[Guest look2thesky]

I kind of also meant the things of his deceased Wife's. If it bothers or concerns You it may escalate in your mind ?

I believe in marriage, also means compromise, and discussing possible things that would concern you.

I just heard an old movie line:

 

" It takes more energy to keep quiet than to speak the mind "..

 

Just a suggestion.

[IfIonlycould]

His stuff went away slowly and in stages...I gave away much of the clothing to his family members, some trinkets that would have meaning to them as well....other stuff I packed away in boxes....each year I seem to have let go of the stuff in those boxes a little at a time...given away, donated....I have kept all of his tools and use them...I do reno work...I still have a plastic memory bin of HIS stuff...not ours...but his memory bin that he was keeping...I haven't gone through since just after his death...I'm thinking this year I will and let go of much of it...I am in the process of simplifying and letting go of much of my stuff I guess I feel it is time to let go of his too. 

I live with someone now...I'm not sure if he realizes what is even still here of my DH's but I know he doesn't care...I still call them DH's tools to BF, he's fine with that...I guess it is whatever works for you and your new husband...maybe you just place the stuff where you want it and as long as neither of you seems bothered you live with it that way or as someone suggested you talk it over....You will each know when and if to let go of the stuff....

I know I had MANY MANY posts the first few years on the YWBB about stuff....I probably drove people nuts....but this whole topic of stuff can be very difficult for some of us...so for now if leaving it at dad's house is an option until you figure out what to do next go right ahead...when you are ready you will take care of it.