Creating a New Now

[arneal]

Hello everyone!

I haven't posted in the Time Frame threads since first discovering this incredible community last year after my second husband died. I have spent most of my time on the Social Encounters boards as things have gone on and in one discussion, I posted this:

 

One thing I have read pretty consistently is that for [new beginnings] to work we need to have other things, like hobbies, to focus on. The idea is that if we don't have our own stuff to keep entertained with we can become needy or just boring.

 

Like [one person] said so well, we aren't new to the world. What sorts of things, besides work, school, or being crazed about your new relationship (lol) are you doing?

 

I have become a kitchen maniac. I have tried more new recipes in the last year than I have in my whole life. My latest was grissini (Italian breadsticks) last night. I also called some friends who run a food bank and homeless ministry. LH and I used to volunteer there and I went back after he died. Then they had to move and I had car issues but I have wanted to get back to it. I plan to be there tomorrow morning! I also go to the gym and have some friends there who are connected to me on social media too. NG watches the exchanges between me and my gym sisters and I also post about my local wildlife.

 

What sorts of hobbies have you either taken up or gotten back to since the death of your spouse or since finding a possible new partner?

 

Hoping to hear from you all with your experiences and ideas!

[BrokenHeart2]

Good thread A. 

No NG here but at almost 4yrs I have tried pottery and I really enjoyed it.  I have waned from it for now.  I need to feel inspired and it's just not happening right now.  I have recently taken up quilting and I am really enjoying it.  I joined Victoria's Quilts and we make quilts for cancer patients.  I am really enjoying doing this right now and get a good feeling hoping that one of my quilts may bring a bit of comfort to someone suffering with that horrid disease.  Lost my DH to cancer and I know he would have loved to have one of these quilts if we had known about this group.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Awesome!  I've gone through a few phases of trying different things such as a winter baking my own bread every few days and trying my hand at vegan baking (with mixed results on both counts!).  I always have a vegetable garden in the summer, so I'm looking forward to that again this year.  My daughter is a swimmer and swim team season is also coming up.  Somewhere in year two I started taking myself to gigs, very often alone, sometimes with friends - into music and enjoyed being in the crowd; I try to get to at least one museum or historic site every month (been on a Colonial/Rev. War era kick since my daughter's obsession with Hamilton but this summer we're going to explore regional Underground Railroad and Civil War sites).  Its been so nice, I'll admit, having Andy here this year to do these things with me.  I have a research project in Italy that I work on from here during the school year; I'll be taking my students to Rome to work on it in a couple of weeks. And as always, reading is my go-to; I couldn't read more than a magazine article for a while after Scott died.  Was so relieved to get my concentration back enough to return to novels.  Last summer, I had a terrible career disappointment and spent most of my summer hiking and walking as much as possible trying to shake it off.  And since November, I've been doing a boat load of volunteer work and that has been making me feel like I'm making a real contribution.  It is something I probably should have been doing all along. 

 

I'll also tell you what I SHOULD be doing more of: exercising.  So out of shape! 

 

What about everyone else? 

[arneal]

Thanks, BrokenHeart2 -- interesting you mention quilting as I have a big bag of t-shirts that don't fit or are worn out that I'd love to have made into a quilt. Different thing than your group does but I've pondered sewing such a thing by hand

 

TooSoon -- within a few months after LH died, I was in the gym. I am stalled right now because I have been stress eating. And NG likes home cooking, so there's that I like music as well but haven't found anything I want to go to alone yet. NG and I have talked about going to a music venue but despite plans just before Christmas and have yet to figure out a new plan.

 

I have thrown myself into work more than anything; I love what I do but I also need to pay the bills

 

One of the first projects I undertook after LH died was to clean the garage. It was horrible out there. It's still not exactly where I want it but I am thrilled with what I did. I have redone a few things, like artwork and floor and furniture coverings. My next project is probably going to be the electronics in my family room as I'd like to get that up and running again. I want a greenhouse and have considered expanding my driveway and revamping my backyard. My brain is full of enough projects for two lifetimes, even without NG's involvement

 

Others?

[Trying]

Unfortunately I think I have given up more by way of social activities and hobbies than starting new ones.  What I have done is move to a new home and renovate it, went back to school and opened my own business.  This has been time and energy consuming and positive in so many ways. I miss my book club which has disbanded but it took me over a year before I could get back to reading.  I have let my fitness really tank and need to make this a priority because many of the things I love to do require me to be in better shape than I currently am.  I have been doing more hiking lately and we are getting close to kayak and paddle board season here in New England which my new home has allowed me to really enjoy.  I also love to water ski but i really need to drop some weight because I am going to be 48 and it's not as easy as it used to be to get out of the water!

 

I really want to get more into yoga and need to get over being self conscious about being a beginner.  Social anxiety has interfered too much in my life since Tim died and has caused me to isolate myself. 

[arneal]

I hear you Trying. Love that you are near water. O turned 48 in February and in about two to two and a half years have lost 60lb. Getting to the gym has been my most social endeavor as I have always had social anxiety. My other want-to is to sign up at the local university for swim lessons. I will go into the ocean at a moment's notice having grown up in South Jersey but I almost drowned in a pool when I was small and never learned to swim. If I do that, I won't be scared to take aqua workout classes at the gym I plan to join when my current membership ends. I met some great people but it's too expensive to maintain. Gotta do what I gotta do! When you start, communicate with the trainers. If they won't modify for you, find a trainer (or a gym) that will. It's good to inquire about free trials first so you can thoroughly check the place out.

[Julester3]

I was already chock full of hobbies. The only past time I have dropped is volunteering because I was a volunteering hound and I worked PT so I could do those things. I had to go to work FT to support us and get us health insurance and I also just need a break to reassess my personal goals. It was natural to stop at this point with my kids getting older (they are teens). I used to do not 1 but 4 levels of local, regional and state PTA as well as local foundation work.

 

I listen to music, sew, crochet, scrapbook, cook/bake, read, collect dolls. I have plenty to distract me and I use them all at various times when I have down time. So I have no need to add more to what I already do.

 

I have had several people offer to have DH's things made into quilts. I laugh because I can easily do it myself BUT also my girls still get some comfort wearing DH's shirts. They aren't ready to give them up just yet for me to cut up and re-purpose.

 

Only thing I'd like to try is yoga but there are so many studios and disciplines to choose from here where I live. I feel physically restless and I have a feeling yoga could fit the bill. The only type of yoga I don't want to try is hot yoga. I hate the gym because it makes me feel too self conscience and I can't run outside because my allergies are terrible right now. Last thing I want is to trigger my allergy driven asthma. I used to do all sorts of aerobics but it no longer interests me.

[arneal]

Julester3 -- I hear you about the kids getting older. I was glad I had stopped FT work when my son turned 18. It was also around the time LH got sicker. I work FT but not for one university so my time is flexible. The insurance thing is problematic; I am with MediShare which fills the gap but I would like something a bit more traditional. It would be nice if one of my gigs turns FT one day

[Needytoo]

Great thread Arneal!!  I never had hobbies before everything focused on work and the family.  I remember one therapist told me I need to find a passion, I had no effing clue what she was talking about.  Now four years later I am a bit of a sign-up-junkie.  Love my exercise classes, yoga, zumba, bootcamp and pole dancing . Fourth year of doing pottery and I am really good at it.  I have taken up sewing a skill which I was totally horrible at in my youth. Hoping to take up quilt making and weaving.  I do stain glass. Many other workshops I have done and love all of them.  Sure have come a long way from sitting in my car in a parking lot at a widow support meeting and being pulled out of the car by other widows. 

[arneal]

Thanks for popping in, Needy - I have wanted to try pottery! But the main bucket list thing is archery. Used to love it. When I am able, I want to take it up and maybe even buy a bow set. Once I learn to swim, I plan to get a wetsuit so I can go to the ocean anytime

[trying2breathe]

Great post, arneal.  Good to hear what everybody is up to.

 

 

My new now includes a love of competitive latin ballroom dancing - I started training two years ago and I danced this weekend in a competition.  It's impossible to dance and think about anything else at the same time - a good thing.      I also went through training and became a volunteer Guardian ad Litem, advocating for kids in the foster care system.  Best volunteer job ever.

[Portside]

I started a bunch of new activities and had to drop one or two:

 

I've always baked but got serious after my wife died. I don't buy store-bought bread anymore and generally make enough to pass around the neighborhood.

 

Since all my kids are out of the house, I became a foster Dad for neglected/abused/abandoned emergency cases. The sheriff or children's protective services knock on my door in the middle of the night a number of times a month with a kid or two that need bathed, fed, clothed and read to. It's short term generally and then they are returned to the family that abused them or to grandma if the mother OD'd. The system is horrible. Poor kids.

 

I volunteer teach run/hide/fight classes for the professionals at our local school system in the event of intrusions or active shooter attacks and organize follow-up concealed carry classes for those that desire a County issued license. 

 

I am trying to line up singing lessons now but that isn't moving as quickly as I'd like.

 

I also took up apple cider vinegar making. I have a couple of barrels at the farm going at any one time.It  makes a great gift.

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[arneal]

Thanks Mike! I would certainly pop over for some fresh bread and cider vinegar!

[MrsDan]

I've been trying gardening and landscaping, and getting my daughter involved as much as possible. It's hard to make headway, because she and my dogs take up a lot of my attention on the weekends, and I have fibro, so I'm often in pain and or worn out. My boyfriend helps, although he's really busy right now. I'm hoping my raspberry bush bears fruit this year. I bought my daughter her own watering can so she would get excited about watering it, because i had to plant it on the far side of the yard and it's a pain. .

 

Exersize and yoga help the pain somewhat, but that's taken a a backseat because my dog had surgery and I need that time to do her rehab.

 

We have a lake across the street and at some point I wouldn't mind getting a kayak, but that's a ways off.

 

My boyfriend is a professional clarinetists and bass clarinetist, and he does a lot of experimental and contemporary classical stuff. So he's exposed me to a whole different kind of music. I really like his work, and we've gone and seen some really cool stuff.

 

[MrsDan]

Oh and for those wanting to try yoga but are self conscious, I have an app on my phone called Down Dog. I really like it because I can do it in private, and can set the difficulty, and it's easy to pause and go back if I need to. I paid a little extra to get the version that lets you target certain areas because I use it to help with my pain, but the standard free app is fine.

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, MrsDan -- my LH was a musician and I have the items I plan to keep still scattered round the livingroom; NG loves music and he had no problem picking up each one and playing them. It felt weird at first to see him put his lips to the Native wind instrument after only seeing my LH do it ... I got over it quick though as he was completely comfortable doing it. It was just a bit jarring, you know? Funny thing: one day a few months back, NG shows up with a guitar case. He said something about not having a guitar here and left it. I still laugh about it when I look at it as it's sitting in my livingroom, near LH's former instruments. I can't play anything anymore (played flute and sax for a little bit in jr. high but didn't like it and stopped) and certainly never had the aptitude for guitar so when he plays, I love to watch and comment about how much dexterity it takes and all that. It's just funny to me that he wanted to leave something like that at my house

[Wheelerswife]

I am working hard at creating a new now.  I have finished my Master's degree and I am just so ready to make a change.  I am not getting the kind of cooperation I would like to have with my job search yet, though.  So...I sit in limbo.  My house is half-packed up.  My mind is already leaving Kansas and trying to wrap itself around some mystery location in the northeast.  The hardest part of all of this is that I no longer have the distraction of school, I am not working, and I sit in the midst of what I have lost and what I need to move forward from. Grief has its tendencies to creep in at times like this.  I clearly know that I can't get back what I had and I am ready to engage in something new...a new career, a new home, meeting new people, getting established - again.  I have too much time to think.  I wish I had known that the job search was going to take this long.  I would have chosen to travel - somewhere - anywhere - to work off some of this energy I have.  However, I have been able to invest in my health.  I have lost a fair amount of weight and I get out walking about 1 1/2 hours a day with my dog.  The neuropathy in my legs that was the first symptom of my cancer 3 years ago has nearly fully resolved.  So...some good things....but not nearly enough yet.

 

So...that's it for me...

 

Maureen

 

 

[arneal]

Yay for the better health, Maureen! My full-time contract ended in 2013 and I was completely out of work for a year and a half. I am still not full-time anywhere and have a doctorate. I no longer have the patience for sitting in traffic to go to an office all day and during LH's illness focused on using my post-doc certificate in teaching in the virtual classroom to get online work. It's only now that I am just about at a full-time living wage again. It isn't easy, but with all we've been through, we have the tenacity to keep clawing at it until we win. Hugs! Enjoy the northeast -- I miss NJ, but not enough to move back