Unfaithful

[Sweetpea83]

I just joined this page.  Hope I am doing this properly.  I lost my common-law partner in December 2016 just before Christmas.  He died of pneumonia at the age of 42.  I took him to the hospital, both thinking he just had a flu, and I watched him die in the emergency room that day while nurses pumped on his chest to re-start his heart.  We had been together for 8.5 years.  Never married, but planning to start a family this year.  I loved him very much.  That day was the hardest day of my life and the worst I have ever felt... until I opened his cell phone.  It took a few days for the brain fog to clear enough to remember what his password was.  On New Years day, alone with a bottle of wine, I looked through his cell.  He had many photos of other women and many text messages with other women.  He even had a screenshot of a login for a swingers website saved in his photos.  I saw it and my heart sank.  I had no idea anything was going on.  And it was going on for what looks like a very long time.  Years even.  We were together most of the time, so I don't know when he had the time for all these others.  If he had spent even half the time on me that he spent on these websites, messages, etc., I don't know that I could have ever been enough still.  I feel betrayed.  The best word I can come up with for him is "selfish".  You don't buy a house and plan a family while you are doing things with other people.  You can't expect to keep up both lives.  My grief has been clouded over by anger.  Any thoughts that pop in my head of him are about what I found on that phone.  I haven't talked to my family, his family, or his friends about it.  It isn't going to help anything to taint their memory of him with this.  I don't know what to do with it.  I have told very few people.  I guess I was alone in the relationship long before I ever actually lost him.  Just wondering if anyone else out there found out about their loved one being unfaithful after they passed??

[Trying]

I am so sorry for your loss and for he betrayal you have discovered.  I didn't experience this so I have no advice really.  I would imagine that sharing this with his family would only cause them more pain but maybe someone close to you could be a good support if you share it with them.  I'm not sure if you've done any grief counseling but I would suggest it if you can because you must have so many conflicting emotions alongside your grief.  If you chose in the future to look for another relationship you will want to have worked through trust issues from this betrayal so you can have a healthy relationship.

 

For now, I give you tight hugs as you deal with this.

[arneal]

Sweetpea. I send you many hugs. Like Trying I have not experienced this. However, my first husband was horridly abusive. I was young. He too died at 42. Massive heart attack. Probably from being so mean. Had three other children by three different moms before marrying me. After he died, I cut all ties. Didn't write, didn't call, nothing. Sent back some things his oldest daughter tried to send. I wrote her a letter that last time, telling her that I had to move on because I knew her dad in a different light and it wasn't fair to her as a daughter who loved him for me to be around because inevitably it would come out. I haven't looked back. My second husband who died last year was very different because I learned a lot from the first go.

 

I tell you my story to encourage you into the future, whatever it looks like for you and whenever you seek it. Know that you are among friends here.

[Mrs_mize]

I have never posted but I wanted to reply because I have experienced something similiar. My husband passed away in December 2016 very unexpectedly. I found he was texting, and DMing with two women very sexual things. I also had no idea this was going on and was completely blindsided.

 

What has helped me most is talking to a grief counselor, specifically one who specializes in complicated grief. I also have shielded his and my family because I don't want to ruin their memory of him and I don't want them to have to figure out how to forgive him. It has helped tremendously to have an unbiased person to talk about everything with and be able to get it out.

 

When I'm angry I have a few things I remind myself and I don't know if those will help you too. 

1. Even if he were here there is nothing he could do to take the hurt away.

2. I fulfilled my vows to him and did everything right by him.

3. Above all else this was not my fault. I did nothing to cause this, it was his own demons he was fighting and he is now released from them.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is a tough complicated situation to be in.

 

[Sweetpea83]

I appreciate the feedback.  I have found that if I try not to look at things as a "victim" and just try to look past the situation, I do okay.  I have a list of tasks to get done and things to sort out so I can start to cut ties with his friends and family.  Then, I won't have to keep secrets from these people that loved him so much.  I will simply start to have my own life.  I will still try to remember the good thoughts.  I will try to stop using "we", "ours", and "us" in conversation and focus on me.  I realize that it takes two people to make a relationship, so I am trying to learn from this whole mess and find out some things about myself that will make me better for the next relationship.

 

As much as it sucks that everyone on this site has gone through such pain, I am finding that reading other people's stories and advice on here has been very positive for me.  None of us are alone in what we are feeling. No two situations are the same, but there is a lot to learn from each other. 

[Guest Metv]

So sorry you are going through this. I've met a few wids with similar stories and it certainly is hard.

Wishing you the best.

[Captains wife]

First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. Finding this kind of information out just complicates the grief....I don't want to go into details as I want to leave it in the past but I did discover a few issues when I went through my husband's email 4 months after he died. I was caught off guard and very angry.

 

But I know my husband loved me and I know that I didn't want to pollute the memory of him with this information so I kept the information to myself for a long, long time. But it was at that point that I sought out a grief therapist to help me handle all the emotions I was feeling and it helped. I also tried not to let that overwhelm the many good things about him. But I will tell you that it changed my grief in certain ways.

 

The attitude you are taking is a positive one - and I too look back on my marriage and everything that happened and have tried to understand more about his and my behavior and I contemplate what I can do differently the next time. Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.....

[Christopher]

I have adopted a saying for things like this: "Okay. *THAT* happened. Moving on..." and I leave it behind, mentally and emotionally. If it chases me then I fight with it until it goes away. I cry if I have to.

 

I too found out after the fact about infidelity, though it took some years. I just never asked. One day I found out. Ok. That happened. Moving on.

 

I hope you can find the peace in your heart to acknowledge that it's not your fault. Something was wrong with your partner and it's ok now because it can't be dealt with. Now you know why some things were the way they were though. That's all you need it for: reference. I hope the next one (if you move on) treats you better.