So tired

[RemysWife]

Five years.

 

More than that actually - it's been about 5 1/2 years now. It feels like a freakin' lifetime. I look around and wonder who the hell I am. I feel old... broken... beaten down. How did I get here and how do I get out?

 

I have all these thoughts going through my mind and I don't even know how to sort them all out.  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am in the middle of a full fledged mid-life crisis. I was on an anti-depressant but I had to go off of it. (don't ask).

 

It's not really about Mark. It's about me. I don't know who I am or how to make sense of this world I have found myself in. I'm 43 and I feel like my best days are behind me. And I get mad at myself because I have a whole lot of life ahead of me and I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk. I am not ok with just fumbling through life unhappy - but that is exactly what I am doing.

 

I have a ton of friends. People are always telling me that they're jealous of all the fun stuff I do. But I feel like I am going through the motions. (Well, I saw U2 and that was actually really fun - haha.) I don't want to just pretend...

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want things to improve, but don't have the energy to actively do anything to change my situation. I tried online dating - no luck and it just made me feel worse. Mostly I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

 

At one time it felt like I had life all figured out, and now all I can think is... this was not what I had planned.

[CJF]

I have no words of wisdom but can totally relate.  I haven't quite figured out what to do with the rest of my life.  I so get it. 

[Lisa]

I want you to know I hear you and can empathize.

[Mizpah]

I have all these thoughts going through my mind and I don't even know how to sort them all out.

 

Are you in talk therapy?  From what you're saying, it sounds like it may really help you think things through.  I often go in in a muddle, and come out having refined my bubbling feelings into a couple ideas I knew I was trying to find but it was all too confused and busy.  Like you, I do a lot, and it often results in me feeling less fulfilled rather than more fulfilled - scattered and chaotic and like I'm not exerting control or will or preference in my own life, and I crave stillness and quiet to find some peace and centeredness.  I rarely get that silence and stillness.  And like you, I'm full of thoughts, and like you, I feel worn down, and like you, I'm wondering who I am now, now that it's been some years (6+ for me), and some of the dust has settled and my life has changed so much.  You mention online dating so maybe it comes down to loneliness and craving a connection, but I'm in a relationship and I still have these thoughts - busyness but not knowing who I am now, and seeking something more from myself or life, though I don't know what it is.  Anyway, I didn't mean to babble.  I meant to suggest therapy and talking it all through to get down to what it is you want and how to change your habits to get closer to it?  Didn't mean to talk all about me, meant to empathize.  Thinking of you. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi RW, Just wanted to stop by here and tell you I empathize, as well.  Don't believe that what you see on Facebook is the whole story with me ---- some days I swear I have lost my mind.  I, too, have a full life and much of the time I am, if not truly happy, then at least not miserable but there is this constant low-grade feeling of unfulfilledness (I just made up that word) and I feel trapped and paralyzed by it.  I know what is causing it for me.  I hate (a word I do not use lightly) my job.  I know its time to figure out the next step but I'm tired and just feel like I don't know how to make the changes I need to make to transition to a healthier work situation.  I get overwhelmed fast every time I try. 

 

So, I also think talk therapy has helped me.  There I can say things that I feel cannot be spoken in real life.  It sometimes helps me, like Mizpah said, take the emotional jumble and turn it into digestible pieces.  Also, I've just turned 45 and am finding myself feeling like this is a weird stage of life in general (widowed or not).  The conversations I'm having with many of my female friends who are about the same age indicate that its not just me and it is not just because I'm widowed.  In some measure, its because I'm 45. 

 

Longer than I had intended, but I hear you, too, and I'm sorry youre feeling this way.  I will never forget the day I met you guys.  It meant the world to me and so I just wanted to lend a word of support.  I will be thinking of you. 

[Needytoo]

I also get this. I have been in a mental weird space since the beginning of winter. It isn't like I just sit at home, I get up go to work and also get out and do my hobbies, exercise activities, and some social activities.  I have a few friends and try to get together once in a while.  But this "thing" in my head is really getting on my nerves. I want to feel better. 

 

I am so sorry Remywife you are feeling this way. You are certainly not the only one.

[RemysWife]

Thanks for the responses. It does help knowing that others feel the same way. Sometimes I swear I'm starting to go crazy.

 

I'm in the process of making some huge life changes (that I can't talk about yet) and it is just super stressful. I am not good with change... even when it is good change. Things just feel out of control.

 

Right after Mark died, I did go to a grief therapist, and I hated her. It was maybe 4 months after he died, and I said that I was having trouble motivating myself to do anything, and even making dinner was too much work. She answered, "Sometimes you need to grow up and make dinner." Yeah, that's super helpful. I never went back. Maybe there is someone who would be a better fit... it's something I should think about.