RemysWife

Bump.

I found the YWBB before my husband died. I thought that if I found a support group it would fix everything - HA! I probably signed up within the first two weeks. I spent so much time reading posts. I met a couple of really nice people - some that I'm friends with still after all of these years. I'm in a couple of FB groups, but the reason I still post here is because there is something really freeing about being able to post your deepest thoughts... anonymously.

Hi Candace - I remember you from the old board. My dad died last year. It has been really hard for me. I lost that last person that really loved me more than anything. In ten years I lost both parents and my husband. I hate being alone, but I'm not sure that I have the strength to change it. Keep on keepin' on as they say. If you believe it can get better, it will, right?

My husband died 7 years ago. Life is different now. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I think the difference between earlier and now is in the beginning I believed things would get better, and now I'm thinking this might just be it. Ugh. That sounds super depressing when I type it out. I didn't have a great marriage. I loved my husband and he loved me. But I was not happy and I'm not sure that it would have lasted. I think about that all of the time, and it's probably part of the reason why I'm not more actively looking to date. That and some of the guys that I met online were absolutely disgusting... they said things to me that would have made the fraternity guys I knew in college blush. I don't have a thick enough skin for that. It's the time of year for resolutions and new starts. Maybe I'll look back one day and say that 2019 was the year I turned everything around. I don't know. Maybe this is enough.

There was a thread like that on the old board. A LOT of people wanted to go there. And, honestly, a lot of those toys were awesome. I would have loved a polka dotted elephant.

(((hugs))) I get it. It hurts when they leave us. My dog is my best friend. Is he the same as a human? Of course not. But he is a huge part of my life and I spend more time with him than anyone else. No one loves me as much as my dog does. Sorry for your loss. :'(

Bump. Two days away!

This month has been 6 years for me too. I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. Those first few years, I could relive everything about those last two months when we found out the cancer was back to when he died. It was hard to push those thoughts out of my mind... now I have to actively call up those memories.(which I try not to do.) I still think about him all the time, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's more of an emptiness that doesn't go away. It's so weird how after all this time, you can still feel so in tune with others who have suffered this loss. ((Hugs))

Anyone live near Niagara Falls? (Either side of the border.) I'll be in town on Sunday, 11/26.

Back in 2008, my mom died from cancer. It was my first real loss, and I miss her to this day. But I never missed her more than I did three years later, when my 37 year old husband died. Moms know how to make things better... Dads just want them to be fixed. My relationship with my dad was strained some after Mark died. It just seemed that he put so much pressure on me to be "ok" which was so crazy to me, since he was absolutely not ok with Mom dying. In 2014, he went into a nursing home which I was against from the start. I did not think he would be happy, and I was absolutely not happy about selling our home full of memories. In the beginning, it was actually pretty good. He made friends, took part in activities and did way better than I expected. But that didn't last for long. He start withdrawing and just complained about not feeling well. I would try to visit, and he'd say not to come.... even on Christmas. After awhile you stop trying. In August, I called him and said that me and the dog were in the neighbor hood (I live well over an hour away) and he had to come out and see us. He played with the dog for a bit, gave me a kiss and then went back in. That's the last time I saw him until.... I got a call from my brother (who is the emergency contact) that my dad went into the hospital the night before. He wasn't sure what was going on, because he is on a cruise and can I try to figure out what was going on... For the next 5 days, I came over every afternoon and sat with my dad. We'd watch baseball or Law and Order. He'd complain that he wasn't getting better. (Told me some stuff "just in case" that I didn't want to hear. He was improving in some areas, but his lungs weren't getting stronger. When I left Saturday night, his breathing mask was off, he was eating and we were talking about what we were watching on tv. I thought he was getting better. The next day, my brother gets there, and suddenly I am hearing "no more options" and "palliative care" and "his wishes" and all I can think, is I don't understand what happened since yesterday - how is it possible that my dad is dying? He was doing better! And after he took his last breath, I cried, "I don't have anyone left." I lost my mom, and I made it. I lost my husband, and it was really hard, but I made it. But now I lost my dad. So now there is just me. What am I going to do? How will I make it this time?

Thanks for the responses. It does help knowing that others feel the same way. Sometimes I swear I'm starting to go crazy. I'm in the process of making some huge life changes (that I can't talk about yet) and it is just super stressful. I am not good with change... even when it is good change. Things just feel out of control. Right after Mark died, I did go to a grief therapist, and I hated her. It was maybe 4 months after he died, and I said that I was having trouble motivating myself to do anything, and even making dinner was too much work. She answered, "Sometimes you need to grow up and make dinner." Yeah, that's super helpful. I never went back. Maybe there is someone who would be a better fit... it's something I should think about.

Five years. More than that actually - it's been about 5 1/2 years now. It feels like a freakin' lifetime. I look around and wonder who the hell I am. I feel old... broken... beaten down. How did I get here and how do I get out? I have all these thoughts going through my mind and I don't even know how to sort them all out. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am in the middle of a full fledged mid-life crisis. I was on an anti-depressant but I had to go off of it. (don't ask). It's not really about Mark. It's about me. I don't know who I am or how to make sense of this world I have found myself in. I'm 43 and I feel like my best days are behind me. And I get mad at myself because I have a whole lot of life ahead of me and I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk. I am not ok with just fumbling through life unhappy - but that is exactly what I am doing. I have a ton of friends. People are always telling me that they're jealous of all the fun stuff I do. But I feel like I am going through the motions. (Well, I saw U2 and that was actually really fun - haha.) I don't want to just pretend... I just don't know what to do anymore. I want things to improve, but don't have the energy to actively do anything to change my situation. I tried online dating - no luck and it just made me feel worse. Mostly I'm just feeling sorry for myself. At one time it felt like I had life all figured out, and now all I can think is... this was not what I had planned.

Grief comes and goes in such waves. The board is here so you have a place to get those feelings out. We're here for you and it's always good to look for support when you need it. ((Hugs))

I seriously wonder all of the time how much of my exhaustion is from losing him and how much is from being 5 years older.

I went back right away. I was on part time FMLA (meaning I was working remotely, when I could) for the last 6 weeks or so before he died, so I didn't want to take additional time. The funeral was Friday, and I went back on Monday. I'm in marketing, and it is a stressful, high-paced job. I made a lot of mistakes. I spent more time than I should have online. I sometimes don't know how I even made it through. But, at the same time, it was a life saver. It was familiar. I was surrounded by people who knew what happened. It kept me sane. Hang in there. It is hard, but you may find that the routine is exactly what you need. Good luck.

I worry too much about what other people think of my posts... possibly bc I have received unsolicited advice and it pissed me off. (And since it was Christmas Eve when it happened, it especially pissed me off that she basically ruined my holiday.) Anyway, I do worry that I post too much or too little. I am involved with a Pancreatic Cancer group, so when I share our fundraiser info, or news about cancer research, I wonder if it is seen as too much. Then other times, I wonder if I am only posting cancer stuff and not about who he was as a person. Bc there just doesn't seem to be a right way to do this. I think for me, it comes down to I think I have done really well. I honor him through my volunteering, and I remember him at certain special times. But I also have a pretty fulfilling life, even though I'm not dating. And I don't need the random HS people judging me. I guess that is the thing that always sucks about FB.

Five years here... I don't necessarily feel like it is worse so much as there is always a new way that it hurts. Memories find new ways to haunt me. Loneliness feels a bit sharper. When I think I have gotten past the hard stuff there is something else that happens. I never imagined that five years later, I would still look at my life and have no idea how I ended up here. I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I'm not happy either.

June22 and I are going to come. I'll bring shrimp pasta salad. She is bringing potato salad and vegan red cabbage slaw. I'm excited to meet everyone whose names I don't recognize and to see those of you that I haven't seen in far too long. Please inbox me the address.

Just a reminder that we're doing dinner this Saturday! We changed the time to 5pm. I hope some of you can make it to the Green Turtle in Towson!

Join us at the Green Turtle in Towson for an early dinner and some Quality Widow Time. http://www.thegreeneturtle.com/location/Towson So far I am expecting: RemysWife (me, obviously) ManutesGirl June22 (active on the old board) Come have a drink with us and make some new friends.

On Christmas Eve, I posted a photo of my husband sitting next to a doll that belonged to my Grandmother, as a "throwback" on Facebook. The post was actually more about the doll than Mark, except for him being in the picture and being a good sport about us taking a picture of him with the doll. Later, I get a random message from a FB "friend" who I have seen in real life maybe twice in the past 10 years - so this is not someone I am close to. She tells me that she thinks about me because I have lost so much, but she "worries that I may spend so much time looking back to the past, that I am going to miss out on my future." WTF??? I let a few hours go by before I answered her that I am fine, I have a very full life, and yes, I have lost a lot of people who meant the world to me, and the holidays make me sad. I did not answer her breezy response saying that she knows I do lots of fun things, and BTW, what am I doing for Christmas. Her words hung over me for the remainder of the holiday. It took me awhile to even process the feelings that it stirred up in me.(I actually came here to post about it, but I couldn't even find the words.) Her "worry" was judgement, and I feel like I am doing pretty good, so who is she to judge me?? The truth is, the future scares me. There are so many unknowns ahead of me, and I try to focus on what is happening right now, because anything else is overwhelming. Am I kicking ass at this widow thing? Probably not, but I have a lot of friends, I travel, I do fun things, and I'm pretty happy. So why isn't that enough? I can't believe at 4 years old, an acquaintance could put me in such a tailspin. Bitch.

I actually had a similar conversation yesterday. When I look at my life's small picture (right now) I'm pretty happy. Lots of friends, lots of fun stuff going on, it's all pretty good. But when I look at the big picture (future) I'm freakin' miserable! This is not what I want for the rest of my life! So yes, I can be happy one minute, and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders the next. We had plans for our life, and this is not what it was supposed to be like. And I think sometimes the good times can just be a complete mindf*ck because THIS IS NOT WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE! Everything is just so complicated that even doing "better" can somehow still feel off. I also sometimes feel like there is an underlying sadness because of the time of the year. Which I really hope isn't a feeling that lasts forever...... Basically, I'm saying that I think I get what you're saying.

My husband also died from pancreatic cancer. Check out pancan.org because there may be resources to help you. It is a devastating disease, but they are making some advancements. (I volunteer with our local affiliate.) If you contact your local affiliate (if there is one) they may be able to put you in touch with a local support group as well. I'm sorry to hear this sad news.

I live in Delaware, and it's a small state... I know people who remember Joe coming to their schools when they were little kids. Others who knew his first wife, or know his current wife. I also know someone related to Beau's wife. Not all of my friends agree with him politically, but I don't know anyone who has a bad opinion of him personally. I watched Beau's funeral on CNN, and it was heartbreaking. What I saw was a lot of broken hearts. And it's something that you don't fake just to get on the late show. It amazes me that people are so cynical. My only encounter with Joe was at the Italian Festival in 2008. Some guy yelled out, "Hey Joe!" Joe walked over to the guy and laughed saying, "Only in Delaware, can you yell 'hey Joe' and the Senator comes running." Only in Delaware indeed. I wish was the one who yelled "hey Joe" - haha.

Hi Duckie, I remember you from YWBB and I'm glad to see you found your way to the new board. Sometimes, it really does help to come back. Other people's expectations about "moving on" may not be the same as what you need/want and that's ok. You need to be true to yourself. I think the best we can do is continue to move forward. And I define "forward" as moving towards happiness. Only you can know what will bring you happiness. I'm at almost 4 years and I'm still a work in progress. I tried dating, decided my skin wasn't thick enough, and realized that right now that's not something that will add to my happiness. Do I spend too much time cuddling on the couch with my dog? Probably, but who cares? He loves me, and he's super cute. I bet your kitten is too. This is a tough road, and sometimes other people can put way too much extra pressure on us. Hang in there.