4 years this week...

[piecesofapart]

This week it's been 4 years. Can't believe not ONE family member or friend acknowledged my husband's Sadversary. But should not be shocked- no one did the other years either- unless I posted on Facebook. But after the first year and having a friend- who I thought was a good friend- respond... OH Wow it's already been a year? I didn't want to set myself up again....

(Only my bosses- they were sweet- gave me a nice card of support and some treats)...but then again- it was only because I requested some time off.)

 

It's sad that - that life seems so far away- like it never was- even though it was 20 years together...maybe it's all the changes I've made- got a new car, re-did the house- new furniture for a few rooms we spent most of our time in (it was hard looking at the way it was...and seeing "his spot" his chair" and knowing he was never going to sit there again. So at the time I felt I had to make it mine- so - I did some painting, updating yard with planting trees- so the base is the same..it's just the fluff over it. (actually kicking around the idea of moving..but that's a whole other thing...)

 

I still think of my husband many times each day...photos are still up- I like to look at them each day- and still have the little things that made my husband- my husband in an everyday way..like his keys and sunglasses..jacket in closet..the little things still mean a lot and bring me comfort to see if I feel like opening the drawer or closet.

 

But I started crying on the way to work again. And feeling so blah- at the end of the day-like here I come again to "nothingness"- just no energy or drive at all.

 

I've tried to fill my time-and keep moving- but it's really not living- it's just existing and now this week everything just seems so meaningless- like why bother? I know it's the time of his passing- so this time of year- and this week will most likely always be hard-(I also hate that the season is changing- I hate to see summer end) and the memories of the last week of his life are strong.

 

I've lived thru the 1st-year of the shock-and disbelief...and pure anguish ( boy glad that anguish part is over- but it still hits a little bit here and there- but I guess I have gotton used to the punches and they don't hurt so bad -and knock me out anymore- they just sting.

 

Second year- was just starting to feel a bit better- but my sister passed- so another new "fog" began.

 

Third year- I was making an effort to try to find things to make me happy again- and I found some new hobbies to keep me busy.

 

Any insight on the 4th year?

[Guest TooSoon]

Not gonna lie - I'm a bit more than halfway through year four and it has been tough and topsy turvy.  I feel like I now know it is no longer about my husband but about the collateral damage his illness especially and then his death did to me.  I had a traumatized child by the time he died who needed my attention.  I didn't have time to think about how damaged I am.  I think that damage has compounded over time by my not confronting it and this year I finally realized and am starting to accept that I'm going to need to do still more hard work to heal myself.  I thought I had done that by getting our lives straightened out but that's not the same as self-care.  Hugs. 

[Trying]

I'm hitting 4 years in September and have no great insight to share, just wanted to say that you are not alone.  I go back and forth between "how can it be 4 years already?!" To "did that life we shared for 20 years really happen?"

 

Over all I'm in a good place but some of the damage seems permanent.  I think I'm ok with that because the 20 years we were married has permanent effects on me so of course losing him should too.

 

I know I won't get a lot of people marking the sadversary this year, my kids, his parents, his sister, my mom.  My sister never acknowledges tough days for me or my mom.  I happen to be getting married 10 days after the date so I am anticipating being a bit of an emotional wreck this year. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Chiming in here at a quarter of the way into year 4 and you all echo how I feel as well.  I'm trying to find a new way for myself but still have that "how can this be my life"  feeling and thoughts every now and again. 

POAP yes this... "It's sad that - that life seems so far away- like it never was- even though it was 20 years together".

This time of year for me is kind of sad too as it was DH's favorite time of year.  Summer ending and him getting excited and prepping for hunting season.  Today is a colder overcast fall kind of day and this morning all of that rushed over me.  Thankfully its not as long or dark as it used to be.

Hugs to all.

[jgib]

January marks four years for me. I agree with all the things you all have said! 

  I go back and forth between "how can it be 4 years already?!" To "did that life we shared for 20 years really happen?

 

Trying, my thoughts exactly!