The Birthday

[Bunny]

His birthday continues to be difficult for me. November begins and all of a sudden I find my tears closer to the surface and my skin becomes paper thin. His best friend called yesterday and I will most likely call his dad sometime today. It's the sixth one since he died. It has gotten easier each time, but I'm surprised by how hard it continues to be for me.

 

I tell myself it's because Fall is here- everything dying and the weather more gloomy. But I used to really love the Fall. I know I have much to be grateful for and I do try not to dwell in my sadness as much as I used to, but apparently my body continues on with it's grief schedule even when my brain looks for more distractions now.

 

It seems my grief has morphed into me holding my memories at bay; thinking of him- of us- with a wall up between... it's so hard to find the words for this...I keep all of that at an arm's length now- the old magnifying glass has been put away. I feel more detached, even when I finally allowed myself a really good long cry in the shower yesterday.

 

So. My husband would have turned 52 today. But really he's just forever frozen at 46 1/2.

 

 

[tybec]

Oh, Bunny.  I understand so much of your post.  My Dh would have been 51, forever 45.  I know you are involved with someone new, as I am. It is so strange to have such grief and yet have moved on, right? 

 

I hope over time Fall will be beautiful again.  The holidays are just hard no matter, and that is where we all are headed. DH died in Jan.  So there is that time frame, the last of the last.

 

I cry in the shower, too. 

 

I was driving home from work just yesterday, listening to music.  DH was a rock DJ, and he loved all kinds of music and in 28 yrs together, it is rare to not have a memory with a song with him.  I smiled, a deep memory triggered by the music.  It felt so wonderful, and then the tears came, too.  Oh, this life of love and loss. No words can suffix.

[serpico]

It seems my grief has morphed into me holding my memories at bay; thinking of him- of us- with a wall up between... it's so hard to find the words for this...I keep all of that at an arm's length now- the old magnifying glass has been put away.

 

Same here, and since I have remarried I couldn't do it any other way. Someone gave me a poem in the early days - it was one of those supposedly written from my deceased wife's point of view - and one of the lines said something like 'Think about me a little, but not too much - you've got a life to live'.

[Bunny]

Thank you serpico and tybec, and also to all who simply 'listened' to my thoughts- you silent readers mean a lot to me also. Of course, today feels much lighter, calmer. A friend came over last night and bf lit us a bonfire to enjoy with our adult beverages. I'm so lucky to have her, to be able to talk so freely about my husband (her friend) and my boyfriend, and all the complicated feelings that can occur. She has been so very good to me.

 

I was thinking about my soul dog yesterday, about when he died and how painful it was to think of him and how frustrated I was that I couldn't talk or think about him past a certain point because it was just too excruciating. It took me about five years to be able to think about him fully again, to be able to bask in all the memories whole-heartedly. I guess that's what I'm hoping for, some day, with my husband- to be able to talk about and think about him with my heart wide open and have it not destroy me. (And yes, I did just compare a dog's death to a spouse's death  )

[tybec]

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/10/31/the-day-ill-finally-stop-grieving/

 

I think maybe shared here before.  Anyway, a nice blog.

[Toosoon2.0]

I know what you mean about November.  My husband didn't die until February but it was in early November that I realized, "This is it."  And the trauma started and lasted until February 3, two days after his 50th birthday on Feb 1.  Incredibly, I find this time of year to be much, much harder than the actual anniversaries.  The weather changes, we change the clocks, my garden dies.  Today it is really windy and the leaves are whipping everywhere and I feel edgy for no reason at all except I know what the reason is - for me, I know it makes no sense, he died when I realized the battle was over and it was just a matter of time.  This time of year always brings me back to that moment of realization.  Hugs to you.