The things we never said

[Toosoon2.0]

This is a hard time of year for me.  It's hard to explain.  I was very very pregnant with my daughter when my husband's mother died at this time of year.  It did and still does cast a shadow over everything at this time of year.  Fast forward a few years later and we were gearing up to bury my husband.  He held on longer than he wanted to.  He knew he was going to die from this time in November in 2012 but he held on - for reasons I'll never know - until February.  I will never know how he died.  I never even asked!?  From early November into the first days of February, we all lived his death.  But I lived so much of it in silence.  The falls, the ambulances, alarms on his bed going off, the screaming child, the sleepless nights, blindness, over to the top religiosity, steroid driven accusations; then when he went into a coma, the vigils at hospice, getting kicked out of hospice and hospitals time and again because he wouldn't die fast enough, my going to work every day pretending like this wasn't happening, passing out from exhaustion in my child's bed.  And then he died and what happened after that.  I'm ok now, but my god the things that were never said, never told.  It still has a hold on me at this time of year. 

 

I don't really remember him now.  We were only together 9 years - two plus of them were brain cancer themed.  Vignettes of happy times; searing images of terrible things.  The good times seem shrouded by what happened.  I have a new life now and wouldn't trade it for the world but sometimes I want to reach back into the past and say, "I did everything you asked me to do so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?" 

 

This will make no sense to anyone but me most likely but I have to get it off my chest.  Today was hard. 

[Euf]

I'm sorry. I just want to say I hear you and understand that the past often holds us tightly even when we have moved into a new place in our grief.  ((hugs))

[Mizpah]

It makes loads of sense, and I'm so sorry for all you had to go through.  I said as soon as the accident happened that I refused, would not, did not want to, remember DH for death and loss, that I wanted to remember *him*, but it's impossible.  It seeps.  The end of the story, the "what happened," it has so much power.  I can't think of him without thinking of death, young death, what happened..... the shroud, as you put it, the death shroud, and now I'm thinking of Jewish burial rituals....  The "what happened," creeping and colonizing, taking away from the "who he was" and "what we shared," it's one of the biggest robberies, injustices.  xoxoxoxo

[Captains wife]

Sorry you are going through this -  I don't know what's going on but I am so sad recently too. Weepy sad. I have a good life but I feel such a loss and overwhelmed by his accident recently. Although I can't remember what I had for lunch last week I can remember vividly what happened the night he died and how I felt. I still feel so many things were left unsaid. I actually have a lot of plans for Thanksgiving this year (usually I deliver meals then sit in a bar by myself somewhere before heading to my inlaws) but I just want it to be over. On top of that my therapist thought we should take a break as I wasn't going regularly enough. Thank goodness for my son, working out, wine and I have some fun planned for Dec on my calendar - all stuff to keep me sane. Wishing us all peace and the best for this holiday season.

[twin_mom]

It makes perfect sense to me and many others I'd wager. I too have a happy chapter 2, but Thanksgiving was always *our* holiday... we'd bake pies and cook, crisis clean the house for company and then get up at 3am to go black Friday shopping. I've avoided being home for Thanksgiving in the five years since his death, but this year the twins have drivers ed so we're home and I just don't think I can do it.

[Toosoon2.0]

Thank you for all of your replies.  Makes me feel a little less unhinged to know its normal to feel a little unhinged even now.  Twin_Mom, this will be our first Christmas at home.  I have avoided it for five years in one way or another but this year we're doing it because it is only reasonable for my 10 year old to finally have a Christmas at home with her Mom and "new Dad."  I'm already bracing for whatever emotions this might bring up but am hoping that new memories will supersede whatever weird nostalgia/triggers could emerge.  I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow.  xo

[Captains wife]

The first holidays at home are tough - I've tried to be  away on a lot of them. But 2 years ago we had our first Xmas at home - it clearly was a hell of a lot more fun with my LH but I'm trying very hard to develop new traditions for the holiday for my son and I. That seems to help somewhat so hope this suggestion works for others too!