Will they be forgotten?

[Wheelerswife]

It is a weird day for me today - it is the anniversary of the death of my second husband's late wife.  I know that takes a little bit to follow - my second husband was widowed.  This was his late wife.  He isn't here to remember her anymore.  I want to acknowledge her life, if only for him, as she was an integral part of what made my John the man I loved.

 

These ideas take up residence in my head.  Cemeteries are full of people long forgotten - people who were loved and who loved others and are now gone and nobody remembers them.  Well, most of them.

 

Sigh.

 

Maureen

[hachi]

Wow, Maureen,

 

Not too many would get this. I have the same thoughts when I walk through cemeteries. Who were these people and what was their story?

[Leadfeather]

This is something that bothered me a lot for a while. I struggled to remember all the special things between us. Because forgetting would be doing a disservice to her.  I finally realized memory is for the living. Depending on  what someone’s belief is about what happens after death Chris is either living in perfect joy or no longer exists. Either way she is beyond caring about what I remember or forget. It is enough to know we loved when it was possible to love and that I made her happy while she was here.

[jeudi]

Maureen-

 

If maybe just for today, with us, acknowledge her life and tell us her name and something you know about her from John.

 

And Leadfeather- you've said something beautiful with this

 

It is enough to know we loved when it was possible to love and that I made her happy while she was here.

[MR]

Maureen,

It takes guts to do what you are doing. You are a gem.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[Mizpah]

At closer to 7 years than 6, and given that we had no kids, and that I went on to recouple and have a child and a busy working mom life, I would characterize it now more that he's part of me always/constantly, more than that I do actual specific countable remembering.  (It used to piss me off so bad early on - and still does really - when people say he'll "always be with me" or "always be a part of me," but it's true.  Still, it's really no consolation for losing someone, or for HIM losing his life....)  Anyway!  There are many little and big ways he's part of my life.  I bear his name, so he's in my daily consciousness.  A couple times a year, I randomly wear his cologne.  I wear jewelry he bought me.  I mention things randomly.  For example, my sister posted a memory on FB the other day of us and our brother, and I said out loud when I saw it to NG: "That was taken the week I met DH."  Or if someone's talking about their favorite this or that, and it was his, I'll say: "That was DH's favorite too."  He's always there, but it's casual now.  I'm not saying it right.  He is a fact of me.  A fact of my life.  A fact of my past.  A fact of my relationship history landscape, a fact of my relationship style preferences, he's a fact of a great man that I have fragments of still, and I've lost many fragments as well.  (And yes, he's a fact now, rather than an existence independently.)  What was will never not have been, and that's how I approach it now, and that's the comfort.  I used to worry about forgetting and losing him more, but I don't anymore.  Parts of him are in me and part of my world and life, and parts of him are gone forever.  All of him will eventually be gone forever (when I'm gone), especially given that he didn't have kids.  I mourned that tragedy - all aspects of it, immediately and deeply and intensely for a long time - and still do in ways, but not in the ways I used to - in quieter, more accepting, casual ways.  I hope this isn't upsetting to anyone earlier out.  It doesn't feel upsetting anymore, it feels peaceful, though I know that it is also unacceptable. 

[twin_mom]

At just over 5 years out, I know exactly what you are saying Mizpah. He's such a part of my everyday life that NG will even ask the kids things like "didn't your dad like that, I remember your mom talking about it?"

 

But I hear what you are saying Maureen, I try to remember DH's dad and repeat stories to my kids, even though I never met him.