Abandoned us for 6 years, now what?

[ColSavMama]

I had posted about this situation in a reply to someone else going through stuff with in-laws. But, I wanted to lay it out here to get some other opinions on the situation.

 

My husband and I got engaged in the month of December, I was pregnant with our daughter so we decided to wait until the following April, and little over a year, to have the wedding. Well, his father passed away that January, a month after our engagement. By that time we had the hall booked and paid for, over a year in advance, and had started making arrangements. But, he had gone through a complete transition when he lost his dad. He didn't want to wait for over a year. He wanted to marry me and start living our life together asap. He wanted to be married before our daughter was born. So, we decided to have a very small ceremony that April and keep our hall booked to have a big wedding on our 1 year anniversary.

 

When his father passed away my husband inherited a house, and a few vehicles, and an insurance policy. He had 2 half brothers (they did not belong to his dad), and a mother who was constantly asking him for stuff. Believe me, my husband was happy to oblige, things that were important to them, things that would remind them of their step father or ex husband, anything that they wanted, they got. But, their tunes changed when we told them we were getting married in a few months, instead of the following year.

 

They told my husband I was after the inheritance. That I was only marrying him for money. They didn't take into consideration that we were already engaged and planning everything before his father even passed. The morning of our wedding he got an email from his brother letting him know that if he went through with it the family would never speak to him again. He was devastated. But, still married me that day. The family continued to bad mouth me at every turn. They told the entire extended family what an awful horrible nasty person I was who was after his dead fathers money. And, in all reality, that money didn't last us a year. We sold the home he inherited, bought a home closer to our area, paid off a car, paid off the lease of the apartment we were in, furnished our home, and were back to broke. It's not like he was a millionaire and I was someone who had just met him. But none of that mattered.

 

The day I had our daughter he decided to try and make things right with his mom. He called her from the hospital and asked if she would like to see her granddaughter. He drove out to pick her up, brought her in, and then after we visited for a while, took her home. We invited her to come spend Christmas with us that year, and she said she would. Christmas Day we didn't hear from her. My husband had managed to track her down at HIS EX GIRLFRIENDS HOME. She had decided that instead of spending Christmas with us, she was spending it with his ex and her family. Total slap in the face. That was the last we saw of her.

 

Fast forward 6 years later. The day my husband passed away. At this point we have not seen or spoken to his brothers the full 6 years, they continued to bad mouth us in public and on social media, but that's it. When he died it was very sudden. He was not sick and there was no warning. In order to reach his family I had to call his ex girlfriend and have her track his mother down. After she reached them his brother called me SCREAMING and CURSING at me that I was lying and he wasn't gone and how dare I do this to them. Keep in mind, I had only found out my husband was gone less than a half hour before this. I was very distraught and emotional and now have someone screaming at me.

 

I said my goodbyes to my husband, I told him all I needed to tell him, and left the hospital. I knew the 3 of them were on their way. Not only did they show up, the staff told me they stayed for HOURS. Hours of them crying and 'I lost my baby' and causing all kinds of scenes. They spent hours with the man they abandoned 6 years earlier. They couldn't spend 5 minutes with our family while he was alive, but spent hours with him once he was gone.

 

After that they pummeled me. I was getting constant texts and phone calls. They want to see my kids. They want us to come for holidays. They want to constantly check in on us. And I'm torn. Maybe they realized in my husbands passing how short life can be, and they really do want to make it right. However, why should I let my children get close to them when I know first hand how easily they can cut off their own flesh and blood and walk away. God forbid my children make a decision they don't agree with, are they going to disown them? Abandon them? Why would I take that chance? They've had 6 years to be a part of my family. They are the ones that made the decision not to.

 

Part of me doesn't want to rob my children of getting to know their Daddy's side of the family, especially now since he is gone. But, part of me is very scared to let the walls down after what they did to me. To us.

 

I really am at a loss at what would be the right decision.

[RobFTC]

Sigh, what a sad state of affairs.

 

Firstly: they have earned your distrust, so you should certainly feel free to have no contact with them.  At any point, if you want to be done with them, you can be.  You are right to wonder if these are people you can trust again, and like you say, you wonder if they would stay in your lives if you let them.

 

Secondly: you're right to wonder if it would be good for you or your kids to be in touch with them.  If you feel like it is your choice to extend them this grace (grace since they have NOT earned this), I would advise moving cautiously.  Visits in public places and a friend present to support you would not be out of line if you feel you need the safety.  If they earn your trust, cool.

 

Thirdly: if I was in your shoes, I would not be able to easily look past some of the bad things that have happened.  Yelling at you, negative comments on social media, and such would be something I would have to talk to them about before things got very far.  That could well cause another blow up.  If they see the error of their ways, cool.  You're probably not close enough to anyone to know their real motives.

 

Whatever your path, I hope it goes well!

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Portside]

I really am at a loss at what would be the right decision.

 

If it were me, I'd implement a total scorched earth policy - no contact ever. I might be persuaded (in the future) to allow one or two folks at a time to visit with your children at a neutral site - not at your home. That would depend on the in-laws behavior on the phone and with their contacts with you.

 

They haven't acted decently, and have not earned the respect normally accorded to family (in my opinion).

 

Good luck - Mike

[ColSavMama]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I guess the smart thing for me to do is to at least distance us and take them slow, if I will allow them in at all.

 

 

[Nuggets]

You owe these people nothing.

 

They have not earned your good favour or your trust and should not expect ANY acts of good will from you. 

You have to protect yourself and your children from toxic people... these people seem to qualify as 'toxic'. 

 

Let the ex-girlfriend continue as the beneficiary of their loving gestures

[jlp]

ColSavMama, I am so sorry this is happening -- as if you haven't had enough to deal with.  I agree with Nuggets, that you really don't owe them anything.  But if you're afraid you might have regrets down the line, well ...  I think I would recommend talking to a therapist/psychologist/etc. if you can swing it.  It is so hard to think clearly when your world has been turned upside down.  An outside party with no emotional involvement may be able to help you focus on what you want to do.  I personally wouldn't expose these people to your children until you are sure they are truly well-meaning (which I doubt).  But, if you think you need to try to mend fences, do it with the guidance of a professional and be prepared to cut ties if need be.  On the other hand, a therapist may just tell you to screw it, protect your and your children's emotional well-being at all costs.

 

Sorry,  I guess I'm not being very helpful, but I do believe in getting outside help if you can.

 

[anniegirl]

I dealt with my share of bad in-laws and it's an awful thing. I understand why you are torn because they are a link to your LH and right now, it probably seems good to re-establish ties because if it had happened when your LH was alive, it's likely he would have been open to this.

 

However, they've proved in the past to be untrustworthy and people who have no regard for others' feelings.

 

They fell out with your LH over an inheritance that they clearly wanted access to and you would be wise to make sure they are not after your money now because estranged relatives have a habit of turning up - remorseful and professing regrets - after someone has died only because they smell financial opportunity.

 

If you do decide to reconnect further, make sure you have your family or friends around when they do visit so you have objective witnesses to what you hear and see and to make sure that neither you or your children are taken advantage of.

 

Though my personal opinion is that you owe these people nothing and they are back only because they want something from you, you must do what you feel is best for you and your children.

 

Please be careful and err on the side of caution until you are sure their intentions are good ones.

 

I am so very sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else. Take care of yourself.