Nuggets

BC, Canada ~ we are out of vaccine, and expecting partial shipments in the near term - supply is expected to stabilize in March. We have a calculator for approximating our spot in the queue.... I am mid-May-ish (my birthday present? 🤪), my daughter is mid-March-ish (front end worker, health issues that qualify her) - but we are both casting our lot in with my 80 year old mother that lives with ~ she is 1A for priority. There is no provision in the calculator for who lives in the household, and her Doctor has confirmed that is a favourable factor and he has made notes on her file.

Funny ~ I was chided a couple months ago that I had 'been a widow a long time, now' - and yup, I replied I would be a widow as long as John was dead.

My post from 4 June 2017 is still valid. John's birthday is 1 Jan and always sets a dose of Melancholies loose... he would have been 75 this year, I can't imagine him being 75 ~ he gets to be 58 forever. The WidowNet community had a sobering occurrence with the death of one of "us" in December ~ but it did stir up the membership to get back to the boards and offer up what made both communities work. To the newbies: You are NOT alone, if you reach out someone will reach back. To all of us: I still hate that we're here.

I'm an old timer ~ it will be 15 years in July. I am no longer actively grieving ~ I have deconstructed my 'couple self' and rebuilt an awesome 'solo self' ... my spiritual home was a site called WidowNet, and for several years there were a couple of us that were active on both WidowNet (WN) and the YWBB site ~~ WN is still live, but the Facebook WN group is more active, YWBB shut down and members picked up the baton that became this site. I was widowed at 44 years old, had an 11yr old son and a 20 yr old daughter and a cranky dawg ~~ and I wanted support at my leisure. I functioned fine but every so often would totally derail - I wanted to connect with people that got that, but was surrounded by people that had no frikken idea.... WN and YWBB - now Widda - filled that need. I come now to give back -- my journey would have been remarkably different without these sites. I want newbies to know they are NOT alone, and this place is always open. I have met many members of both sites in person, some have become good friends ('the family I chose' as one of my WN friends says) all have invested a bit of themselves in my healing - I can only hope that my reply and words will do similar for someone newly widowed. I hate that we're here ~

I wore a bright pink dress and jacket that used to make John do 'wild pig noises' (it looked good on me, but he said it looked better in a pile on the floor ) ~ when I got home that day I rolled it into a ball and stuffed it into the bin for garbage... I was never going to wear it again, and did not want to chance seeing anyone else in it if I donated it.

Another ~ it will be 15 years in July, son was 11 - daughter 20.... they are able to talk together and remember a great relationship with their dad (I am convinced they lost the best parent -- John was crazy about his 'offspring').... but it feels like we are all peeking through a misty portal into an old life. We have all gone on to live our best lives ~ I live in Costa Rica most of the time - have not recoupled and not even caring whether or not that is a possibility anymore, daughter is in a place that she has worked hard to achieve both emotionally and physically, and that 11 year old is now a P Eng doing great for himself and the world around him. There are days it seems I have been doing 'this' way too long.... ((hugs, SB -- I thought it got easier, it gets different - not easier))

Ahhh, my expat friend ~~ I signed in to check on you... I spent the day drinking wine & watching Netflix in my PJ's -- sorry that 1 Jan will suck for both of us for a long long long time. ((hugs from Alberta))

Ya, getting worried ~ still nothing and I have followed up on a couple leads from this posting, etc...

Welcome back! This widow thing is sort of like Hotel California, isn't it? / I am, and always will be, fabulous ~ it is the only way to be!

So sorry for your loss, Blue Green ~ and the extra pressure of young children that are grieving. Please take time for yourself to heal, and to provide kind environments for those little boys to heal -- finding another daddy is a very low priority right now. You are so new to all of this, the motto in the early days is 'one day, one minute, one second at a time' .... My son was 11 when John died ~ he's 26 now (graduated both polytechnic and university) ~ we figured it out ... one day, one minute, one second at a time. I have not recoupled (two significant relationships in 14 years, neither resulted in a second Happily Ever After but that is not my point) but went about rebuilding a life that was going to continue without John as a physical presence. He is still very much a spiritual presence. Be kind to yourself ~ come here often and let us row for you when you need a break.

When I get caught in there tough spots (you know, where you say 'never' and other definitive words? ) I try to reverse the situation or do the 'What if...' game. What if you didn't make the effort for her or for your niece? FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing -- if your conscience was struck to do this, some intuition allowed you to put your feelings for Monster-in-law aside and let something else through. It's a small gesture that produces big results ~ and I'm betting it will be appreciated on the receiving end. It's not an indicator to drop the guard on your heart; and do not permit anyone to push buttons or drag up hurtful things from the past: 'I am here today... and I'll be leaving soon. Sift through the ashes when I leave if you wish. Thanks!' Words to M-i-L can be neutral: 'Hi, XX - it's good to see you see. I'm sorry you're sick / ill / not well.' 'I'm well, thank you.' Good luck with this, please come back and tell us how it went. The good, the bad and the frustrating

Thanks, calimom --- you flatter me. Traveling solo - YES! Start small if you have doubts -- a weekend away, a concert (yes go to hear people you love live... no one in the audience knows you're there by yourself!), a movie -- start with something you can handle... but start. Combine things - I love live music. One of my solo trips was to see Sheryl Crow in Lake Tahoe. Made a 4 day weekend out of it: flew into Sacramento, drove to Tahoe, did some sightseeing in the area - it was August and perfect, went to the concert (had a GREAT time! Toots Maytall and James Blunt were her warm up acts).... and came home. The big cost was the ticket to the concert - the rest was scavenged from award points and careful shopping. Then, check out journeywoman.com -- you will get some destination ideas, some smart travel hacks and an INCREDIBLE amount of empowerment and validation. Go to Chapters or Indigo and check out some of the travel section: 'Go Your Own Way: Women Travel the World Solo' is a collection of short stories that will surely inspire (https://books.google.co.cr/books/about/Go_Your_Own_Way.html?id=hE5RVBHGlLEC&source=kp_cover&redir_esc=y&hl=en) and '100 Places Every Woman Should Go' will do similar. (https://books.google.co.cr/books?id=pnd2LjALLKgC&printsec=frontcover&dq=1000+place+a+woman+should+go&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiSvbe0ofLOAhXLJx4KHaXNBYYQ6AEILjAD#v=onepage&q=1000%20place%20a%20woman%20should%20go&f=false) I am in Costa Rica these days and spend a lot of time between here and Canada, but managed to squeak in 3 weeks at a widow friends place in Florida and 10 days in El Salvador in 2016 --- two different experiences (natural building workshop in El Salvador) but fun and fulfulling. You are welcome to contact me or come back and tell us all about your adventures! Start.... Buenos viajes

He would have had the best, brightest set of golf clubs available --- titanium and graphite shafts were just coming into vogue when he died. He was a maniac for golf. He would have hated or loved the advances of internet and computers -- he read articles and science websites for hours but struggled doing his monthly Expense Report for work on Excel. He would love that his son is an engineer just like him - albeit a different discipline (John was a Civil Engineer, son is an Electrical Engineer) ... he would have been totally blown over that he backed the wrong offspring. He thought our daughter was the natural engineer - she started the same path as her father but confesses she did it to get her dad off her back and never thought she was engineer material... she bailed the term after her dad died, and now has a career for an international security firm as a Trainer and Procedures Auditor. He would be distressed that I am vegetarian now and have several tattoos - but he would probably still make 'wild piggy' noises at me, especially when I get the blue hair dye going on.

This is sort of awkward.... Wondering if anyone has heard from the YWBB member 'rabidbadger'. I was friends with her on Facebook she posted she was taking a break - and has dropped right off my radar. She hasn't answered emails to her workplace - I do not have a personal email for her. I have an interest in her well being, we are not close friends and I swear I have no ill will or any nefarious reasons to hear from her or about her.... but if you know who I'm talking about and have recent (March 2016 is the last for me) contact with her, I just want to know she is doing ok. Send PM here, or PM if we are Friends on Facebook - I also have a throwaway email account at essentialgemini at yahoo dot ca (yes, 'ca' for Canada - .com will not work). Gracias y saludos, Marlene aka Nuggets

First: So glad you are OK and walked away from the accident. Second: Ya, everything changed - not in a hurry, but not afraid of it either. Living has presented me with way more challenges than dying or dead will.

** waves at Tracy from Costa Rica!!! It was good to see your posting handle. And ya, listen to the Universe ~~ I get into more trouble ignoring her than listening. ((hugs))

14 years of widow-ness and I still sit as close to the door as possible, and make sure I drive my own car for that hasty get away... You're going to be there for part(s) of it ~ that's all that really matters. ((hugs))

Agreeing with Portside --- LH kept these people at arms length, he died .... you can include, dismiss or keep these people at arms length at YOUR choosing. LH doesn't get a vote anymore. I think it was kind of you to reach out when LH was in his final hours, I think they responded admirably. I'm having a hard time seeing much of a problem unless you're hoping to protect co-workers and golf buddies .... and to be honest, you worry about that less and less as times passes.

So sorry, Dragon Tears -- but I am also happy to 'see' you here again. ((hugs)) from me.... I have been wondering how things are going for you.

Hikermom, this is an awesome post, and the replies compliment so well.... so much of it resonates with me and of course, some doesn't - because all of our experiences are so unique. Crises Schmises: I sure get that one! I've had a couple incidents where it would have been easy to set my hair on fire and be in full blown crisis - however, instead of doing that I said: 'How does this compare to holding a person that I loved deeply and profoundly as he pulled in his last breath?' Funny thing is that the answer always turned out to be: 'Ummm, not even worth asking that question - deal, get it behind you and I bet you still make last call for Happy Hour.' Over Planner: In my 'Other Life' I was an over planner, now I am so relaxed and casual that it's frustrating for some people around me... unless it means: 'Life or Death', 'electricity service will cease' or 'Police and other first responders are on their way' --- I will likely not make plans for it. I will make plans for an Aretha Franklin performance if I ever get the opportunity -- then I'm going back to this. It has been liberating. Empathy: I feel deeper than I ever did for strangers... a cancer diagnosis - I know the challenges that EVERYONE will face, a sudden accident - I know the trauma and shock the survivors will be experiencing, etc. And of course, it is extra painful if these types of things happen to friends, family and acquaintances. Life & Living Quality: I believe that dying isn't the worst thing that can happen to me. I am far more troubled about not living the best life I can, or having opportunities removed or put out of reach. I hope we all continue to find peace and acceptance on this journey ~~ it's not for the timid.

Ahhhh, some of these offspring do well either because of their parenting, or in spite of their parenting! LOL Congratulations to your son for a job well done, congratulations to you for being so proud of him.

We call these discoveries 'gifts from the dead' and evidence they were here (14 years coming up, that evidence gets harder and harder to find) --- I found golf clubs stashed every where. Seems to me there were a couple that were stashed behind the freezer, too John could not pass the discount barrel at the pro shop or a club for sale at a garage sale... and was a golf maniac.

A long time widower acquaintance (expat Kiwi...) when asked about why women 'do better' with the widow experience: '...women flock, men don't...' Succinct, but he was alluding to openness to support and comfort from other women (or men if they offer it) -- and that women are better at offering support and comfort. Generally, I have found this is my experience.

Another Canadian that felt such loss with the announcements -- it is hard for me to read about some cancers, GBM is one of them - and feel any sense of hope. Knowing what we know and all that, I hope he gets the ending he wants and his family and loved ones get the support and comfort they are going to need... John died of pancreatic cancer - when I hear of someone (famous or regular people - we also know cancer doesn't discriminate) with pancreatic cancer, I know the outcome and it is hard to look hopeful people in the eye and stay positive. Blow at High Dough - some of the lyrics seem pretty appropriate:

... oops wrong thread.