Jump to content

loving with all that pain and fear - normal?


Recommended Posts

Hi. so I have been married for 10 years, and after struggle with cancer for 8 of them my hubby died leaving me (27) with our girl and another girl not yet born.

Now its been 6 yrs, 7 month ago I got married to an amazing (!!) guy and at the beginning it was a bliss! all the clouds have gone away.

But something in me just won't let me rest. I have an history of anxiety and the last 7 months are a mixture of happiness and fear and panic attack and crying.

Thing is all the weak points my new hubby has causing me anxiety. Thoughts like: my DH never did this, How would I deal with it?! I can't, why do I have to? I was happy before 

I am in therapy but I feel like no one gets me. My husband is so caring, he listen to me, he tries so hard, he is amazing with the kids and I feel like such a horrible person

criticizing and getting anxiety whenever he acts on his weak points (and I know his weak points aren't the problem here because I keep changing them - once this bother me, next

day it's fine and it's something else) . I got from another widow that it is  something that happens, but is that really true?

If I accept that that's how things are, that there will always be pain will it get better? 

please help

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Shelly. It is a well traveled myth that there is always pain, uncertainty and sadness for the widowed, not matter how the rest of their lives unfold. It's untrue. Most of us, after some time, get on with the rest of our lives and are happy and well-adjusted.


You mentioned that you have a history of anxiety and are seeing someone for treatment. Great! Perhaps though some type of change is needed: either in your therapist or with medication or something. Maybe just a little something to take the edge off. 


You said your husband is a great, caring guy - that's wonderful! Seek some additional techniques to relax accept the goodness present with your family.


Good luck!





Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you have so much going on, that your anxiety is in overdrive. You had it before, so it is just exacerbated with all your new challenges.  Plus, medical issues with your husband and then his death certainly qualify for some as a traumatic experience.  And you are pregnant, so add the physical reality of hormones impacting mood. That is fact.  So, it can get better but may need to talk to therapist about it all or find someone with good anxiety treatments, evidenced based practices. EFT, Emotional Focused Therapy is an option for getting to the deep emotions. Cognitive Processing Therapy is for trauma. EMDR.  There are lots of choices, but you need to find the right fit. 

Anxiety comes out in different ways,  I have struggled some and it didn't fit the model of anxiety I knew. Well, now I know.  Knowing is half the battle.  Good luck and much joy to your new family. You can get there.  

Also, lots of folks struggle with anxiety greatly, and they are not widowed, so it is not just us.  But we have a great loss that adds to it.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remarried after being widowed.  In a way, I was really glad that my husbands were very different men. I am coming up on 10 years since I lost my first husband. I will tell you that there are still times that I miss the life we had. (I also lost my second husband, and I really miss that life.) 


I think my best advice is to accept that your new husband is amazing in his own ways. Think of how you can have 2 really great friends - and they are very different people. Your friendship with each of them brings you different kinds of joy, understanding, and perhaps occasional frustration. Wouldn’t this apply to comparisons of your late husband and your current husband?


But try not to compare. Enjoy the relationship with your second husband - because he is here in the present and he loves you. If you have differences, talk about them. Learn to accept him as you would like to be accepted. Take advantage of his strengths. He brings something different and unique and wonderful in its own way. 


Your perspectives on life are different now - and they always will be because of what you experienced. But - don’t let that keep you from living this marriage to its fullest. 





  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.