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two households.......one me


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HI long time no write....but I still come back to read and for advice when I'm stressed. is that so wrong?


Widowed 6.5 yrs I'm 3 years into a new relationship, just retired and have 2 sons 21 and 23 , one in university one just finished but not yet fully employed. 


Apparently I'm not good at blending my two worlds. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive or too soft on my kids but I will not force their situation to change because of where I am with my guy. They are supportive of my relationship but the younger one(who has mental health issues) is more verbal about not wanting his life to change. In otherwords if my kids were younger  I'd  move forward and work on blending as my BF is very welcoming of my kids(maybe doesn't understand exactly what they need/like) but is very accepting. If they were older I'd say you're on your own and move forward.


But they are kinda in between so for now I live 4 to 5 days with my BF and head back to check on my boys and my house( and  my cat) the other days of the week. About half the time BF comes with me to my house. It is a weird balance, 


I'm trying to settle into this routine but I find myself second guessing if this is the right way to handle this.


So anybody got any insight or experience with this or heck just an opinion on whether this sounds sane or insane...all input is appreciated.

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Good to hear from you, klim.  I'm on a similar time frame as you, with kids the same ages and a relationship of almost 3 years.  


I don't know if there is a right way to manage a blending situation, as I struggle with similar issues with my family.  Gosh your lifestyle sounds kind of ideal, short-term, as long as your kids and your guy (and you!) are okay with it. My kids are accepting of my new relationship, one of his daughters is not, NG and I live separately but talk about living together at some point.  My youngest also says that she doesn't want change, she wants to return home from college and have mom to herself in a house that she knows, without the constant presence of NG.  I'm sensitive to my kids (maybe soft?) and also don't want to force anything on them, as well as on NG's two daughters. That being said, I don't deny myself time with NG, and my kids understand that he's an important part of my life.  NG and I talk about getting a house together in the next year or so, there are still some family issues concerning kids to resolve before we move forward with this.  


It sounds like with time, your sons will become more independent, you can say "you're on your own", and you can then move forward with a full time relationship with NG?   

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I'm all for anyone living in whatever situation works for them and their family. But what degree is healthy (for us) to allow our adult children to guide our own lives? I understand your youngest son has health issues - only you know what that means here. And that certainly must play into any decisions made.


But that concerns me. I guess I'm saying - make sure you are weighing all the factors properly. We do our children no favors if we don't help them be independent. (And having them live with you slows that process down.)  


BUT - as I said, I don't know what degree your son's illness plays into your decisions.  


Good luck! 



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  • 3 weeks later...

Klim - Honestly, I think your situation is ideal for now. You can always live together in the future but you are taking it slow, particularly considering your kids. That is not a bad thing in my eyes (although I think I am an outlier in wanting to be in a couple but not cohabitating/getting married again). You mention about maybe co-habituating if your kids were younger but in my experience now, its super hard to do that with young kids, especially when their ex is super involved. Your new guy may be accepting of your children (and vice versa) but its a whole different picture if you were to cohabitate and the kids (or one of your kids) was living with you and your NG. As long as you and your NG are ok with the current situation, why not keep it as it is? Doesn't mean it has to be this way forever but I completely believe in the slowly, slowly approach, especially taking kids into account. (I understand yours are older and agree that kids shouldn't dictate your relationships but its important to recognize their feelings, especially as one has some issues that need to be taken into account). I wish you all the best,

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I would struggle if I stayed 4-5 days at one house then weekends at my house. Focus on your house. Look at his place as your "getaway"


3 year relationship and we have not blended. I don't see it happening in the immediate future. We are on the same page with this. If you are both on the same page and in agreement,  it can work out. Actually, you can have the best of both worlds in my opinion. I have found that boundaries are important in this type of situation. Boundaries for the kids, boundaries to protect you, boundaries for your BF. 


I know you said your kids are adults (and technically they are)- However, 21 with mental health issues. That can take more energy than a 10 year old. I don't know the right answer, dating is so hard middle age with each person having their own set of "issues and stuff". Does your BF have grown kids? 


I don't try to take care of his house. Sometimes my son will go out and help him mow or weed-eat, but for the most part his house is his responsibility and my house is mine (Although with handy man fix it stuff, he helps me far more than I help him so it's unbalanced- I recognize this and am appreciative) 


Just take time to take care of you and don't overextend yourself with responsibilities. 

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