It ain't the end of the world but I can see it from here

[Carey]

Insert total frustration here.  I've been hanging on by a shoestring for months and months; to the point of churches and organizations helping with BASICS like food on the table. I got a letter from Social Security a couple weeks ago and I did a little dance in the driveway. Because evidently even though Chad's other daughter is going to school, adult continuing education or whatever they call it is not classified as an accredited high school so they said they are increasing mine back to where it was.  We are talking over $700 a month right there.  AND, my paycheck was being garnished for my student loan which I have finally rehabilitated, so my pay will go back up by $200 a month. That is nearly a thousand dollars people. I was so freaking relieved and excited ........except none of that takes place until the week of the 22nd.  Surely I haven't come this far to fall right before it gets better. Surely.  I stare at Chad's picture here on my desk at work and I just kinda fume at him all day. Alternating from God I miss you to You shithead why did you DO THIS! I went from a brick two story house with a full fridge, freezer in the garage that was always full, two vehicles in the driveway, kids always had clothes and no lunch bills at school to POOF.......Amy here's your new life in your doublewide trailer out in the middle of cow country with one 12 year old vehicle that consumes gas like it's going out of style and scrambling for dinner a day at a time and avoiding phone calls from the kids schools about their lunch bills, dodging bill collectors on the phone and dealing with hazy shady lenders cause that's the only option. I feel like I'm in nomansland, cause we don't qualify for ANY assistance cause :snort snort: we make too much. Chad made nearly $4000 a month. POOF. Gone.  And I have bills and obligations for THAT level of money. They don't really care that the IRS, NC Dept of Revenue, Student Loan and Tax department all have their hands in my pockets, they look at the one egregious number and declare it more than enough.

 

I'm not intending to whine. It just amazes me the people that think when your spouse dies you are all of a sudden well off.  IF he had died a year before he did, yes I would have received $250,000. He was a jet engine specialist and had a good policy.  However, Saudi Arabia doesn't work that way, and he had only worked for them 9 months, so "death benefit" was meager to say the least.  Ive quit talking to most of my family because they try to act like I should have no problem paying bills. They know what Chad made and they assume things about his SS and his insurance that are not true.  The collateral damage from that one man leaving this earth is enormous. If you had asked me two years ago if I would be cooking for friends so I can take leftovers home at night to feed my kids I would never have believed it. I'd have laughed my fool head off.  He acted like he was invincible and the time for being responsible adults was not when we were in our 30s enjoying the good stuff. Hindsight just plain sucks.  It's funny, because when he left for Saudi I was already panicked at how our lives would change and what kind of work he'd be able to find here not aircraft related and how much our lifestyle would have to change. Boy what I wouldn't give for that. There's many many many reasons I miss him, please don't misunderstand.  But my job was always "play money", I don't have a college degree and I feel abandoned and stranded.  I can see land, too bad there's sharks in between. Kids are oblivious ... they full expected things to stay the way they were. They are angry at me for how things ended up and my lack of ability to pull it together and they don't hesitate to let me know Not sure what this post was for really ... just to vent I guess cause I'm sitting at work trying to hold it together, listening to coworkers complain about their husbands having to work late, or what are they going to cook for dinner, concert tickets ...just all this stuff that I'd love to stand in my chair and tell them all just how good they have it. So lucky ya'll ha ha.

[PhotoJunkie]

Big big hugs to you.  I totally hear what you are saying about family members assuming they know your financial situation as I am fighting that battle right now with my relatives.  Im so sorry you are going through all of that on top of everything else. 

 

I wish I had advice or a magic wand to fix it for you too.  One breath at a time.  That is my mantra. 

[Trying]

I am so happy to hear about the SS benefit going back up and hope it gives you some breathing room so you can cover the basics.  The collateral damage of losing a spouse is so much greater than people can comprehend.

[luvmy2babies]

People put a time table on the effects of this thing; but really there isn?t one.  And when you are left to raise children when not only the other source of parenting; but the other source of bearing the expenses is gone, you could be years down the road and still?

 

Reminds me of all of the ?we miss him too? or ?he was our (insert whatever)? you get from people when you lose your spouse.  People have no idea.  None.  Having to move from the family home against their wishes happens to too many widows and widowers.  I?m sorry for all you have been through.  I?m glad though that things will improve.

 

We just moved, a month ago.  Well, we were moving past that date; but a month ago today we spent our first night in the new place.  I got it because it will be smaller, easier and cheaper to maintain.  I didn?t really want to stay given he passed in the house; but I did because he left me with no insurance; so I resigned myself to staying because the financial struggles after that were to the point, purchasing another home wasn?t an option.  But towards the end of 2014, the combination of the mortgage and maintenance plus the work the other house needed was just too much.

 

I get some of the same stuff from my daughter sometimes and it is difficult because I can?t really explain to her why it is so hard sometimes without bordering on painting a negative picture of her dad.  They will see you are doing the best you can with the energy and knowledge that you have. 

 

My mom just recently ?saw? when she was over at the house before we moved.  She said looking at me inside the house she could actually see the weight I was under.